Archive for October 2014

Walk Like a Kangaroo and All the News That Isn’t

October 20, 2014


Apple introduces the new ultra-thin super-long iPad Maxi–with wings!

In lieu of parking space Apple offers to freeze the eggs of female employees, who will be able to hatch them through the App Store.
Response has been mixed–many women saying a fridge for their lunches would be nice.
Some fear that it’s part of Steve Job’s eugenics plan to create test-tube Appleheads who will automatically upgrade with every product introduction.
Still waiting to see where Hobby Lobby falls on the egg-freezing thing.
Meanwhile, gentlemen, don’t see Apple freezing our sperm anytime soon.

Whole Foods rolls out good, better and best rankings of its food–whole, wholer and wholier than thou.
At these prices better all be best, or I go to Half Foods.

Dow Jones sinks to Davy Jones.
Not to pin blame, but now the index is known as the Obama Jones.

Ebola Czar–there’s an honor you could live without.
Of all the possible czarships available–used car czar, ladies wear czar, fantasy football czar–Ebola the least appealing.
Made a good choice for the job, though–if you can be Joe Biden’s aide, Ebola czar a piece of cake.

Good news on the infinite eating front–between the new Lifetime Starbucks and Endless Pasta a guy could pretty much go nonstop till the end. Assuming endless Obamacare.

Elections around the corner–polls show likely voters neck and neck with unlikely voters.
We have likely voters, pretty-likely voters and forgot-to voters.
When the dust settles, Republicans should control House and Senate and just be a President away from the 7th Seal of the Apocalypse.

Turns out ancient kangaroos did not hop but staggered, much like modern Australians.

Scientists say there is ice-water on the planet Mercury, you’ve just really got to be thirsty to get to it.

In economic markers, builders’ confidence down one floor and a mudroom.

Good news is it looks like no Polar Vortex this winter; Bad news is the Weather Channel still thinks it can misname winter storms, from Astro to Zellus, with Gorgon, Linus, Pandora and Remus in-between.

The war against ISIS, if you can call it a war with only one side fighting, now, at least, has a name: Inherent Resolve.
Rejected names include Indignant Retort, Insipid Resort, Intrinsic Remonstrance, Insolvent Residue, and Take That Sucker.
Ann Romney says “Done. . . done. . .done. . .done.” She did not say with what or whom.

The True Value plumbing module arrives at the International Space Station, must return to earth having wrong washer.

Alien spacecraft buzzes UW’s Camp Randall Stadium during Badgers Jump Around sensing possible hostile intergalactic intent.
Departed when they saw just playing Illinois.

The first Google Glassaholic in rehab straight-jacketed to prevent endless tapping of right temple with index finger.

Woman sues fertility lab for getting incorrect sperm.
Wish I had a nickel for every incorrect sperm. Billions of nickels add up.

Everyone continues to blameis Jameis.

New Google Express delivery can send items to you in the past.
Hard part is trying to remember what you really didn’t need in 1974.

Governor Walker says Wisconsin Open for Ebola.

Walker also said minimum wage serves no purpose while child labor needs to allow for jobs where it takes a little person to get in there–oven cleaning, well digging, volcanology . . . .
That’s All the News That Isn’t_78197623_brianregal

Tesla D Talks to Officer for You and All the News That Isn’t

October 13, 2014


A lot of 17 year-olds disappointed they didn’t get the Nobel Peace Prize.

Kim Jong Un on North Korean milk cartons–and full size!
Probably gone back to his Gangnam style day job.

Hewlett-Packard reforms as Packlett-Heward.

President Obama voluntarily checks into leper colony.
They send my wife out on my engagements drag the river!

Apparently Red Bull does not give you wings. A class action suit on behalf of Red Bull drinkers who believed they could fly gets you 2 free cans of Red Ball and knee pads.

Reacting to the loss of Voter ID, Wisconsin Republicans require pap smear or prostate probe to vote.
I’m taking the pap smear–much less chance of finding something wrong.

Vatican streamlines annulments–now one Hail Mary and Two Our Fathers and you’re outta there.

40,000 year-old cave painting called derivative.

Dairy Queen customer data hacked–that makes everybody they didn’t get at Target and Home Depot.

Sarah Palin says it was not a brawl it was a baby shower.

Three Nobel Prizes for LED’s seems a little high. If they were tiny light-emitting Nobels I could see it.

Holiday sales projections suggest you will have a 4.1% merrier Christmas.
Chanukah will be 8.3 days.

Gay couples lose their last chance to say “Honey, really wish we could get married.”

AT&T guilty of phone cramming–that’s where they take your phone and . . . too easy.

Koreas exchange friendly fire.
Point of pride there is no DMZ between Wisconsin and the UP.

New Tesla D autopilot accelerates from 0 to 60 in 3.2 seconds in any direction it feels like. The D will brake, correct for lane wandering and explain to the officer it wasn’t your fault.

Green Day to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame–how old does that make you feel, kids?

That’s All the News That Isn’t



All the News That Isn’t Bad

October 1, 2014

All the News That Isn’t Bad


1. Gumby loves his bendy iPhone 6.
2. Tiny sea monkeys create giant ocean currents.
3. Derek Jeter not even thinking about baseball.
4. George Zimmerman did not get a reality show.
5. California banned single-use plastic bags but you can reuse ones you got forever!
6. Windows skips 9 goes right to 10.
7. We’re talkin’ endless pasta and bottomless salad!
8. Kim Jong Un feeling much better.
9. Mitt Romney says will not run again but might accept appointment as President, and
10. Brits who agreed to give up their oldest child for free wifi weren’t really going to do it . . .