Posted tagged ‘cheese names’

Cheese Us

March 27, 2014

Hi, Mike Shorthorn here for the Wisconsin Cheese Congress.

I don’t believe it’s much of an overstatement to say the international cheese wars are heating up to near fondue levels. You may have read that the European Union has nailed an edict to the old barn door declaring that Wisconsin cheesemakers must desist and refrain from using the appellations parmesan, gouda, ardsallagh (hard, soft or smoked) asiago d’allevo or pressato, Bavarian or Bavarian -style Bergkase, any and all cheeses with the word brie or bleu in it, marscapone, even Australian, and nearly 400 others to designate any ripened pressed curd product not made strictly within the named village, shtetl, region, province, Provence and/or Landkreise. This even includes Gorgonzola, it may surprise you to know–apparently there is a place called Gorgonzola nestled somewhere in the EU, although it may, in a more literal sense, refer to a zola from gorgan. It’s Italian, anyway, and no business of the French, and, bien sur, the French are behind this. Cheese purete is not the kind of thing the French are going to leave to Stilton or cașcaval-eaters; no sir, cette fromage has French written all over it. And all so unnecessary: who around here is going to make a nice Pouligny-Saint-Pierre and not just call it what it is: goat cheese–or come up with ripely pungent Reblochon de Savoie and claim it just this morning descended the Alps?

Europeans, in fact, are relative latecomers to cheese making, which, after all , was pictured on 4,000 year-old Egyptian tombs and on 5,000 year-old Yan empire vases. It wasn’t until the Roman Empire, to its credit, made the known world safe for the consumption of ripened pressed curd that Europe even became a player. The appearance of cheese in key roles in both Greek and Nordic mythology makes it clear that no one age nor people possess the cheese birthright. Here in Wisconsin we have been America’s Dairyland at least since the1831 Koshkonong cheese works; by the mid 1840’s New Glarus was awash in Ohio cows and Swiss dairymen–and you know what that leads to. To paraphrase the late great Walter Brennan: no brag, just cheese. We do not rest on our Old World Laurels here, but innovate with a strong sense of tradition. Consequently, it is with a heavy heart that we must respond to the EU’s non-competitive clauses re: dairy products (funny they don’t seem to have a problem with Brussels sprouts and Belgian endive) with our own fair trade restrictions.

Effective immediately, we enjoin all European use or reproduction of Velveeta, Kaukauna Klub Cheese, in crock or out, cheese curds, both fresh and deep fried, brick cheese, whether brick shaped or not, “Swiss” or, in fact, New Glarus Cheese, farmer cheese (particularly when you know the farmer), hoop cheese, Munster cheese (which lacks the ‘e’ of the French valley) Colby (the one near Abbotsford) Cheese (Colby, btw, is what happens when you don’t cheddar Cheddar), Liederkranz, a heads-up version of old world Limburger, Brunost, found wherever you find Norwegians, and you sure do, Cheese Whiz, Easy Cheese, Macaroni and Cheese, and Kraft Singles. Oh, and string cheese which some will claim is mozzarella. Couldn’t be further from the truth; try and peel mozzarella.

The Wisconsin Cheese Congress takes these actions mindfully and with regret, in the hope that soon both sides will come to an understanding that while we all have tremendous pride in heritage, ethnicity and form of governance, we also have a shared heritage in the cheese which should press us together. Once we reaffirm this we can abandon limits and restrictions on all dairy products, processed and -un, globally. Because those of us everywhere in ripened pressed curd product know that, in the final end, we are all one under cheeses.

Merci, grazie, dziękuję, danke, gracias, takk, tak, and thank you. CraigCheeseHead

Cheese Us and All the News That Isn’t

March 17, 2014

string cheese


Crocuses down after early advances.

Milwaukeeans push lawn care season with snow tires on their mowers.

California drought results in Lakers drying up.

Russian nesting dolls line Ukraine border.

In Crimea, 150% vote to join Russia.

Chicago election board signs off on the Crimean vote and it’s a done deal.

Ramses II leads Egyptian vote, some irregularities suspected.

McDonalds says paying a living wage would result in  Little Bitty Mac and a 1/16 Pounder.

European Union forces American cheese makers to call Parmesan “little powdery cheese stuff in a green can.”  And Gouda just OK-a.

Mozzarella we may not mention in public or private.

They want to say string cheese is mozzarella, but, c’mon, did you ever try to peel a mozzarella?

Genetic evidence that Native Americans are Russian in origin prompts Putin to annex South Dakota.

General reaction around here is that if the CIA can find intelligence in Congress more power to them.

Weather Channel officially out of names after Winter Storm Zyxt wallops northeast.

Pretty much has to be the last winter storm unless they go to popular baby names.

Malaysian Airlines search team still missing.

Malaysian officials now believe pilots may have had something to do with flight.

Candy Crush game app valued at $7.6 billion minus the 99 cents it costs.

Always thought Bubble Popper would have the higher valuation.

Juan Pablo.

Newly discovered pygmy Tyrannosaurus thought to be ancestor of modern puggle.

The good news is that at 65, as some of us may now be, it’s ok to eat all the protein and fat you were supposed to avoid for 64 years. The bad news is you didn’t.  Well, who knew we just had to wait?

At this point may as well drink, smoke and do drugs because the demographics are in our favor.

As a bonus you get the promised full and rewarding sex life well into your 70’s we’ve all been waiting for.

Pope Francis enter year two hoping to avoid the sophomore slump.

Once Russia annexes Crimea it will be the USS small r.

Sap not yet flowing in Wisconsin but pails raring to go.

United will stream free movies to Apple iPad users and anyone sitting next to or behind them on the aisle.

Green Bay schools ban e-cigarettes after kids crush ’em out on the gym floor.

After being vomited on during her act she is now known as Lady Gag Gag.

And the Milwaukee Brewers make Hank the Dog Franchise Player to avoid Free Agency . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .