Archive for June 2015

Greek Aid Comes by Horse and All the News That Isn’t

June 22, 2015

6-22-15

Escaped prisoners turn up on The View.

Hundreds of outraged NPR listeners return tote bags after Kim Kardashian appears on Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me.

Greece joins Atlantis.
Problem Greece has always had with the EU is ‘euro’ and ‘gyros’ sound identical.
The final solution for Greece: Windex.

Methane found on Mars. Wasn’t me.

Donald Trump drops ‘Rockin’ in the Free World’ for ‘Old Man Take a Look at My Life.’
If Trump can’t stand up to Neil Young how’s he going to fare with Putin?
Putin, btw, is known as the Donald Trump of Russia.

Here’s a fun fact: if you want to pile up steps on your Fitbit use it as a collar on your cat.
And swing that sucker by the tail.

Jeb Bush’s Spanish better than his English; he runs in Ciudad Juarez, he wins! El gana!

Tiger Woods explains his dysfunctional game as ‘coming from a bad urge inside of me’ he calls Brian Williams.
Brian Williams says he’s African-American and his banishment from Nightly News is a hate crime.

Ancient remains known as the Kennewick Man turn out not to be Bernie Sanders as long thought.
Best thing going for Bernie Sanders is his given name is actually Bernie.

Climate change? Is the Pope Catholic?
You try air conditioning the Vatican–in Rome–in August!
Republicans predictably say there is no climate change and the Pope is not Catholic.

Obama trade deal falls through when we can’t get anybody for him.
Not even a player to be named later.

Why is it your family never says you’re white when you want them to?
Don’t want to get into this thing with the woman in Spokane, however, if she wants to call herself Jewish, she’s welcome to. Because that’s a start.

In a related story, the Census Bureau says on the next forms race, gender and % of Pacific Islander will be on a sliding scale.

Astros hacked by Cardinals and most of the National League.
Meanwhile, nobody has hacked the Brewers.
Wait–here’s an update–nobody has hacked the Brewers.

FDA bans trans fats, but not the fats you eat without even thinking about them, trance fats.

EU aid for Greece arrives in giant horse.

Delaware decriminalizes marijuana.
I’m off to Delaware to score some Dover Wowie and a nice little corporation.

Packers have a new play caller this season: Aaron Rodgers’ girlfriend.

Of the $500 million in state funds for the new Milwaukee Bucks arena (half of which has already been siphoned off from the University of Wisconsin) to prevent their New York hedge fund owners moving them some place more convenient, Governor Scott Walker says,
“Like wives–it’s cheaper to keep ’em!”

That’s All the News That Isn’ttrojan_horse

Jim Packard’s Whad’ya Know?

June 11, 2015

March 5, 2005 Whad’ya Know?

Wherein Michael and Jim switch roles.

 

jim

30 Years of All the News That Wasn’t in a Convenient Capsule

June 9, 2015

30 Years of All the News That Wasn’t
1985: Madonna: Like a Virgin. Like, as in ‘as if.’

86: Voyageur 2 chasing Voyageur 1 into infinity.

87: President Reagan says the question is not what he knew and when he knew it, but what’s the question?

88: NAFTA trade agreement passes; we immediately trade Mexico for Canada and two countries to be named later.

89: Ollie North asks Fawn, are those documents in your panty hose or are you happy to see me?

90: A besieged Noriega surrenders when the Howard Stern show blasted at him.

91: In the Gulf, the first war ever fought over an invading army eating zoo animals is over.

92: After agreeing to end the Cold War, President Bush and Boris Yeltsin wander around listless and out-of-sorts.

93: “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” to “You Bet, Don’t Mention It.”

94: Bill, you know anything about this dry cleaning bill?

95: OJ acquitted, Naked Gun 4 given green light.

96: Dolly the sheep cloned because sheep don’t look enough alike.

97: El nino blamed for everything El padre wasn’t.

98: New European currency, the Euro, easily confused with Greek sandwich.

99: Clinton impeachment ends, takes with it Cokie Roberts and Sam Donaldson discussing oral sex.

2000: Israel’s Ariel Sharon panned for performance of “If I Was a Rich Man” on Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem.

2001: 265 lawmakers vote identically to ban human cloning.

02: Axis of Evil turns out to be AC/DC song from George W’s wild youth.

03: In Iraq, mobile poison gas labs turn out to be Saddam’s tricked-out party Winnebago’s.

04: Facebook, a way of liking people you don’t like, launches.

05: After winning his 7th straight Tour de France, Lance Armstrong put out to stud.

06: After accusing Madison, Wisconsin, residents of “communing with the Devil,” Bill O’Reilly inexplicably coughs up feathers and chicken parts.

07: Democrats take control of Congress and convert the House Gallery into daycare.

08: Britney Spears released after spaying.

09: Steve Jobs says it’s not his liver its just a software glitch.

10: While a cost effective way of transporting oil, BP Gulf disaster decried by many.

11: Arab Spring skips Arab Summer, goes right to Arab Fall.

12: On her Diamond Jubilee Queen Elizabeth tells Prince Phillip, “Don’t even think of getting me anything.”

13: At inauguration President Obama says he has a good feeling about second term.

14: Neanderthals and Humans last had sex 40,000 years ago, and I know how they feel.

and

2015: Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker vows to take collective bargaining rights away from Isis. sheep-cloning-18841288

Whad’ya Know, It’s 1985

June 8, 2015

All right, it’s June 1st, 1985. (Humor me).
I’m doing the first and possibly the last Whad’ya Know? in historic Philo Buck studio, 7th floor Vilas Hall, WHA radio, first to broadcast to all the ships at sea, etc, etc.
But, I am still living and drawing unemployment in Chicago while suffering PTSD from WGN Who-Goes-Next radio experience, attached at the hip to a copter traffic reporter; Cantaloupe and Feldstein as Uncle Bobbie called us.
I will tell you that when I went to unemployment on Division Street and they asked what I was looking for, I told them drive time would be nice, no partner, 50k to start but that’s negotiable.
They told me they had lawn care for 4.83/hr (4.85 in today’s dollars) but I would have no partner. Tempting.
Anyway the erstwhile Jack Mitchell, head of Wisconsin Public Radio, my mentor/tormenter on a couple of earlier shows on WHA, sensing desperation in my on-air persona, met me half-way exactly at the Clock Tower (because of the clock and the tower) Inn, Rockford, asked me what I would like to do should I come back. With both ‘nothing’ and ‘never’ rising in my gorge, and trooper that I am not, I said I don’t know, something national I think (WGN’s 50,000 watts reached most of the same territory as Lewis & Clarke, a heady experience for a kid from Milwaukee). Calls-in’s, but not on hot button issues, small talk radio, maybe a quiz to get people to call in, live audience, because without them I’m dead, a little combo for musical fills if we can find someone to work as cheap as John Thulin.

“OK, let’s do it . . . ” [Jack Mitchell imitation here]
Ah, well, I says to myself,

Whad’ya Know?the Early_map

 

Funny You Don’t Look 3O Party All Sold Out!

June 4, 2015

But listen to Whad’ya Know on Saturday morning June 13th for all the fun–

Until then, there’s this . . .

 

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Creationist Discovers 60 Year-Old T-Rex and All the News That Isn’t

June 1, 2015

Asked which superhero he would be Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker said he was torn between Captain America and Captain Underpants.
Later said he was misquoted.
Asked the same question Rand Paul said Ant Man. Not that he wanted to be but that he was.
Donald Trump said would not accept the demotion.

Federal Court rules immigrants must be deported in the order they arrived–so the English are first to go. Gonna take a while–they breed like flies.

Ireland votes Erin go boys.

Vatican calls Irish vote “a defeat for humanity” but one small step for the priesthood.

So far the only move slumping McDonald’GREEN-BABY-T-REX-55028s has made it leaving Hamburglar to the Cleveland police.

President Obama takes bold executive action to protect America’s drinking water.
So I’d stay away from it if I were you.

After losing Marine Bristol Palin still needs few good men.

Milwaukee Brewers called Iraqi army of baseball.
Iraqi army files formal protest.

George Pataki announcement sends everyone running to Google.
Think he was a tank commander in WWII.
Motley Crue sues GOP candidates.

If your Apple Watch heart monitor gets erratic use the defibrillator app.

Sepp Blatter is Swiss for Dick Cheney.
Knew something fishy was going on when Pyongyang got the World Cup.
Putin bribed Sepp Blatter with a Super Bowl ring.
After cleaning up global football US vows to clean up global goat’s head polo.

Reinvented Rick Santorum means he probably will not bring up marrying your dog this time.
Even as a kid he was known as Sick Rantorum.

Saw a down and out NSA guy sitting at an intersection with a “will work for metadata” sign.
NSA fallback is dumpster diving.
Congress looking at revised New England Patriot Act.

Google solar powered drone crashes on first cloudy day ever in New Mexico.

SnapChat brings in $538 million from investors; unfortunately, 7 seconds later it disappears.

Canadian creationist discovers 60 year old T-Rex.

Specific text that will brick your iPhone most likely lol or repeated lolololol. In caps for sure.
Also watch for omg, lmao, yolo.

The mother who went to jail rather than have her son circumcised fails when she can’t take his penis with her.
Wait until it has a mind of its own and let it decide.

Governor Walker caps off the Wisconsin Legislative Follies of 2015 with the downgrading of the University of Wisconsin to the University of Herzing–Go you Herzing Badgers!

On his recent trade mission to Israel, cheese for sedar plates, Governor Walker did not allow the press to come along, saying he would personally blog what he encountered in the Holy Land.
Here, in an All the News That Isn’t Special Report, Scott Walker’s Israel Blog Aleph:

Oy, vat a trip! Vay is mere! 16 hours on Visconsin Air Nationl Guard c-one-toity–I wouldn’t wish on a dog! My tuchise hurt so bad I stand und hold the strap for 5 tousand miles! Molotov! But ho boy vot a reception at Ben Gurion, the airport–treated like I am Gurion! Bibi calls me mein imbecile (means little) shabbos goy! For it is a borucha to turn on the shul lights, put down the seats, sweep, and close up after. And the geleckhter when I ask for a bigger yalmeka to cover my bald spot! All the way to the wailing wall we laughed. Vouldn’t ya know you can’t mix Visconsin cheese mit Visconsin sausage and the farshtunkene, pork sausage– traif! But Israelis very forgiving except in biblical sense. Had to do again would not bring “Jesus Calling” for Bibi, still ” I’ll throw it on the pile” promising. Ach! Home here in the Father–Holy– Land among my mishpocha–mere voids cannot express. My Tevya—eef I vas a riicch man, doydle, doydle, doyldle dee–surprised more than a few in Jerusalem at the very gate Jesus walked through, now bricked up. “Vot,” I say, “you expecting maybe a toid coming?” lol, lol, lol, (vich is the same in Hebrish–and, yes, they have fressbook, also). Maybe the Japanese rabbi joke–don’t rook Jewish–not so gut. The same by us: everybody with the sensibilities these days. More I write when time I have–everyone btw blogs here, they call it to verblunget. Shalom, shmucks,
Tevye (jk)

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .