Archive for April 2014

Scott Walker President of Iran and All the News That Isn’t

April 28, 2014


After disaffirming affirmative action the Supreme Court will take another look at suffrage.

Supremes: Stop in the Name of Love!

President Obama visits Asia, somehow misses China. Must have got the Silver Package.

President’s sushi diplomacy runs into some bad blowfish in Tokyo.

In the middle-east the merger between Fatah and Hamas a good thing since Fatmas is a lot less threatening.

Sinkhole under Florida retirement community found to be metaphor.

G7 nations agree to harsh new sanctions against Russia–Russian nesting dolls will not be allowed to nest anywhere in the EU.

Teen stowaway on flight to Hawaii raises serious questions about teens.

Joe Biden looking at a presidential run in Ukraine.

In the Afghan elections Abdullah Abdullah leads Abdullah 2 to 1.

Teen taking 38 million gallon pee in Portland reservoir new record holder.
And boy what a stream!

Saints rise to 8,052 with John Paul II and John XXIII, medallion manufacturers strive to keep up.

FDA approves codeine-laced rushlimbocodone.

A 10,000 year-old Michigan boy finds a 9 year-old mastodon bone–that’s news.

After powdered alcohol–powdered water.

New gun law in Georgia means you can wear the same holster Sunday morning you wore Saturday night.
Downside is you never know in Georgia if someone is happy to see you.
Georgia on My Belt.

FDA restricts electronic cigarettes to Cyborgs.

After Ronald McDonald trades yellow jumpsuit for mustard cargo’s and striped rugby shirt he is asked to stop hanging around playgrounds.

Net Neutrality dead, average users will have to borrow a cup of bandwidth.
Netflix says ‘let them eat dial-up.’

Should Northwestern football players vote union expect a rash of wildcats strikes.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker named to Time’s 100 most influential as president of Iran.

The Milwaukee Brewers having trouble scoring at home and I know how they feel . . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

800px-official_photo_of_hassan_rouhani_7th_president_of_iran_august_2013 copy

Ellie’s Whad’ya Know 4-16-94

April 24, 2014

3 year old Ellie on her dad’s show 4-16-94.

23 now and a little embarassed about this. 20131212_113431-1


Bird Shit Butterfly Gone but Memory Lingers On

April 22, 2014


Linguistic researchers from the University of Tubingen in Germany find that the so-called “aging deficits” in recall disappear once the enormous data overage the over age sift and winnow compared to the paltry smatterings of the young are factored into retrieval time, the time it takes to come up with the name of the guy who played Ernest Borgnine’s buddy Angie in “Marty.” Joe Mantell. This means that a 20 year-old has full access to very little, while a mature individual has little access to a great deal. It’s a trade-off. Still, what goes around comes around; by 2057 the median millennial’s data will be stymied in gridlocked neural traffic with, and like, everybody’s else’s. We’re talking a lag of several to several-more milliseconds trying to recall the name of Justin and Miley’s oldest who looked like him, sang like her, and ended up selling compilations on cable.
Memory loss phobia has moved a huge amount of otherwise useless Japanese knotweed reimagined as Resveratrol, promoted omega-3 from just another fatty acid, and made Dr. Oz the Schweitzer of a not-so-brave new world of Nuvigil, Cebria, Profiderall, and your entire class of nootropic cognitive enhancers. It’s a memory pandemic. Next to whatchamacallit, memory is now number one on older American’s hit parade of worries all but negating the full and rewarding sex life promised in their 70’s. None of this would be a problem at all could we pick which memories to toss and which to cling to, you know, in case this sex thing doesn’t pan out, and be able to reassign the computing powere to a socially useful task like coming up with a name for the tartan-clad Divine Savior girl who unwound like a mainspring before running out the door of her own house in Wauwatosa sometime in 1966. I’m thinking she’s probably wound up pretty good again by now.
There are many kinds of people, but just two kinds of memory: short-term, or fluid, when you know where you’re going instead of merely finding yourself on your route, and long-term or crystallized: mom telling you to eat a piece of fruit or take a plate so there won’t be crumbs, and not to walk with your head to the side–no, wait, that was Howard. Dad illustrating, via thumb and forefinger, how they are just this far apart, whatever they are are, or were. While there is no substitute for a cultural heritage you can inflict on your offspring, many if not all of these upbringing remnants could be frozen until a cure is found for whatever behaviors they were intended to abate.

Still and all, it’s funny about what you do remember–what you can’t forget: locker numbers–16-42-1 …38-37-17…27-5-35; a Milwaukee Public Library card 55-19412C (55 the year I got it–C that I lost it twice); Pictures at An Exhibition, chicks hatching right through the Great Gate of Kiev; memorizing Marsha Manion’s freckles as her dad, ironically, helped us memorize state capitols; my dad asleep in his easy chair with an entire Kent’s worth of ash drooping from its micronite filter; the Milwaukee Braves radio song “Milwaukee’s the home of the battling Braves… brought to you by these famous names: duel filter Tareyton, Miller–High Life! (repeat), and Clark Super 100 gasoline; Percy Dovetonsils reading poetry submerged in a tank of water, mom having painted the tiles of our bedroom floor with unforgiving red model dope while dad and us boys were up in Lac du Flambeau; the driver’s right high beam on our 61 Impala illuminating the treetops on the way home from that same Lac du Flambeau after 12 year old Michael drove the car very nearly all the way through the woods; the bird shit butterfly captured by Arthur after a dropping doppelganger miraculously flew off a fender of 55 Pontiac at Uptown Motors; and, always and forever, the so-pretty girl on the train I dared not even look at full-on who smiled and gave me a little wave after disembarking with her family in Omaha during one of our epic Zephyrs to California before mom learned how to fly–all of it hard-wired for the long-term.

Feldman Enters Wall

April 11, 2014

A last minute switch of votes perhaps due to intense lobbying by the law firm of Howard Feldman has resulted in the induction of Michael Feldman to the Washington HS Hall of Fame where he will join “a senator, a MLB commissioner, a movie star and several other extraordinary people” in the wall display adjacent to the child care center. Washington–School of Victory!

Feldman Fails to Enter Washington HS Wall of Fame

April 10, 2014

The ceremony is on the 24th and it’s the 10th already, so it seems pretty clear I will not be making the Milwaukee Washington HS wall of Fame this go ’round. Bud Selig is in there and Gene Wilder, and others, I imagine, never seen it. It was all I could do to get out in ’66, I’m not going back at 66. But my brother Howard, ’56, believes in the right of return and in the wall–showcase–of fame, and believes little Michael deserves to be in it. I don’t know, I’m not commisioner of baseball nor have I danced to putting on the ritz with Frankenstein’s monster. I can do the monster’s “PUTTIN-ONTHA-RIITTH!!–pretty good, but the tap with high hat and cane is not that easy. Howard was adamant about it, in light of  his coming back for another damn reunion (I mean the attrition is getting pretty bad) this fall and told me he expects to point out his brother up on the wall to a WHS survivor who doesn’t even remember who he is. So, against my better judgement had I any,  I let my name be put in contention.

The fact that my inquisitor’s sister had gone out with my brother Clayton in ’54 got things off on the wrong, not even my, foot. Clayton said she dumped him for a Great Lakes sailor who piped her on board as it were. That should not be my problem, nor even Clayton’s, really, 60 years being the statute of limitations on heavy petting aka tripping on the bag rounding second. Then the inevitable somebody said, this one being that I had said something negative about Washington, the Purgolder experience or possibly Principal Arlie Schardt and his damn red rubber ball in the jar of beans, “shake your beans and your ball shall rise to the top.” Perhaps the offhand remark, 5 or 600 times, that we had to swim naked and, hence, I never learned the backstroke. OK and the unfortunate “Miss Ganos has a Nice Anos” on my folder, but it was the nearest rhyme that worked. The vice principal gave me an overview on the Spanish Civil War for that one, still don’t know why, guess it was just on his mind. Mr. Tolkan, Bob, was much more serious than his famous brother Phil Tolkan, he of the Phil Tolkan Singing Pontiacs.  Or it might have been something else. I don’t know, for me going up the steps to Washington High was a lot like people must have felt passing under the Work Shall Set You Free sign.

My last best hope to make my case for the case was the brief essay requested: what Washington did, or possibly meant, to me. That’s just asking for trouble. But here it is–you be the judge. I’ll say this–it sounds like me. And isn’t that what Alma Mater Washington is all about?

Michael Feldman
Washington HS Class of 66 AD
6 semesters of Spanish club, have no idea why unless it was Sandy Chavez.
Stage Crew, best thing to get on since David Gregory could call your classroom and say you’re needed backstage. Loved it, learned a little about lighting and which rope to pull, etc.
Host 1965 Tonia Toppers Variety Show, was NY, NY or possibly IC, IOWA. Wrote the skits, wore the tux, under the able guidance of Ms. Georgia Ganos, now Glaser. Ron Glaser, btw, should be in this case. Great ballplayer.
4th of Feldman boys to attend WHS after Clayton ’54 (est) Howard ’57 (or so) Arthur who should have graduated in ’61, and me class of ’66. While we’ve never compared, because Feldmans don’t do that, I believe my 3.8725* average led the pack.
*should have been straight A but my new to teaching American History teacher gave me a B because she said it was too easy for me. And who’s fault was that?
Went out for tennis got seeded Ricky Dominitz, large but a killer athlete in all sports, hence never even numeraled and just wore the jacket to change oil in later years.
Recent life experience: since 1985 hosted “Whad’ya Know” on Wisconsin Public Radio, syndicated nationally on Public Radio International.
Married to wife Sandy since 1984 with 2 very nearly fully grown daughters Ellie and Nora, all of Madison.20140410_11260420140410_112938


Zebra Stripes and All the News That Isn’t

April 7, 2014


The bad news–had to rake up piles of still frozen leaves. The good news–the rake broke.

Told ’em Wintersconsin was a lousy tourism idea.

The only compensation is that all great art and invention occur at this latitude. Not necessarily here.
Gotta do something to stay warm.

Don’t know about you, but I could use a climate change.

In All the News That Isn’t —

Obamacare reaches its goal of 7 million signups to universal disdain. Barack Dangerfield: can’t get no respect.

Russian troops on Ukraine border wearing same outfits for nearly 2 months now–something’s gotta give.

McDonalds closes its restaurants in Crimea because they couldn’t keep up with the demand for Russian dressing.

Darth Vader will not run for Ukraine president after being deemed a little light in the lightsaber.

Supreme Court decides on Powerball limits for campaign contributions.

Court’s ruling make the Koch brothers a branch of government.

The Supreme Court gets 10% of everything over a million. Well, the majority does.

Something is wrong when fat cats can spread the wealth but farmers can’t spread the manure.

After allowing voting only when people are working, the Wisconsin legislature tightens the noose with a law allowing poll watchers to look over your shoulder and guide your hand at the polls.

Next up in Governor Walker’s voter containment blitzkrieg: making giving someone a ride to the polls a felony.

President George W Bush shows his painting of world leaders highlighted by a very buff, blue eyes looking into your soul Vladimir.

Great about the kid from Long Island, but probably would happen more often if everyone applied to every Ivy League school.

I applied to all 10 (at that time) of the Big Ten schools, and, except for Purdue, had it.

Our very own Paulie Ryan’s budget plan calls for Social Security to be replaced with guaranteed McDonalds crew-chief positions for every fairly able-bodied old person. Got to pull themselves up by their own walkers!

Knew Letterman wouldn’t last. Will be replaced by Joe Biden.

Europeans three-fold advantage in Neanderthal genes serves them well in football. Or, as Cro-Magnons call it, soccer.

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg gets 3.3 billion return on his one dollar salary. Pretty good, but how does a person with no social skills spend that kind of money?

Rand Paul favors immigration reform since his dad comes from Tralfamadore.

GM to place Cobalts in a gunny sack and drown them.

Researchers say 7 portions of fruit & veggies every 2 or 3 years not enough. For most people.

Other researchers find that zebras have vertical stripes in front to make them look taller and horizontal stripes in back to make their butts look smaller.

Too much running tied to shorter life span–or maybe you just get to the finish line sooner.

Cheerleader who sued her parents gets $56,000 scholarship and, boy, are they nice to her now.

Putin’s divorce comes through after he annexes wife Ludmilla’s divorce lawyer.

The governors place their bets on the Wisconsin-Kentucky game: Kentucky bourbon versus Wisconsin teacher retirement accounts . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .