All the News That Isn’t
3-10-14
Discovery of a 30,000 year old virus explains why colds are so hard to shake.
30,000 year old virus means your cold outlives you by 29,900 and change years.
Your pall bearer will catch your cold.
All out of plow and salt money around here, so letting nature take her course: glaciation.
The New Wisconsin Age. We got kettles, we got drummonds, we got moraines.
Be worth it just to see glacier advance over Illinois.
Cutbacks at the Pentagon mean an Army of Less Than One.
Marines need maybe 2 Good Men, tops.
Facebook is acquiring drones, so you better like ’em.
United tells oversized passengers with oversized bags to stay in their oversized homes.
After all, it’s not Fly the Fatty Skies.
Thanks to the Russian extended stay in Ukraine ruble crashes, is now rubble.
True to his word President Obama makes the Russians pay by withholding our Paralympics athletes. Putin didn’t even blink those steely blue eyes (that George W fell into).
Pope Francis swears like a Holy See faring man.
As far as I’m concerned this Pope can do nothing wrong.
Conservative Political Action Committee Convention–or None Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest–ends.
Girl Scouts may sever ties with Mattel over Barbie’s impossible body type, even though, in scouting, we don’t know the word impossible.
There goes the Barbie patch, girls.
Oscar Meyer has a new alarm app that lets you rise to the smell of bacon.
Hey, I want the smell of bacon I lift the sheets.
If Little Oscar’s there, so be it.
Tea Party claims it got screw-to-me from the IRS.
Hey, welcome to the USA, land of screw-to-me. Where ya from?
Sarah Palin, long time no stupid, comes up with a good one: Putin invaded Ukraine because Barrack Obama wears mom jeans.
Love her–her stuff writes itself.
Although, Sarah, the constant Carharts is a little butch.
Contingencies for rising sea levels and major monuments: water wings for Statue of Liberty, giant condom for Big Ben and an antenna with a tennis ball on top for the Eiffel Tower.
Putin now says he’s been asked for some help over here from Russians in Brighton Beach, NY.
Radio Shack goes under I’ll have nowhere to go for the thing I need you can’t find anywhere else there place when you get around to needing it. Female RCA plug? Sauropod tooth?
After the missile launch now calling him Kim Jong Putin.
Still, better than Rootin’ Tootin’ Putin.
Minimum Wage increase expected by 1959.
Hopefully, be in 1959 dollars.
End up wearing same thing on Ash Wednesday had on Fat Tuesday.
John Travolta just turned 60 and even messes up his own name. Like he’s supposed to know some woman who sings in Cartoons?
Travolta may not know what’s her name’s name, but he knows what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in France.
Russell Wilson won’t dance, don’t ask him.
Russell is well aware of the effect Dancing With the Stars had on the career of Donald Driver.
Say, I can’t remember where I stashed my $10 million in old gold coins–anybody seen ’em?
Man suing a casino in Vegas for having lost a half-million dollars at cards while being blackout drunk. But what a great poker face.
Crimea will secede from Ukraine and join into federation with North Colorado.
Guy on the street tried to sell me a picture of Justin Bieber peeing in a cup.
They’re taking the essay off the SAT–now I’ll never get into law school.
For many of us the essay was the only hope on the SAT.
The old ones say that one day we shall reach a temperature where water is liquid.
And a reminder that Daylight Savings begins at bar time Saturday night so be prepared to give your last drink back.
That’s All the News That Isn’t
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