All the News That Isn’t for Jan 9

January 9, 2012

Pope names 22 cardinals, 3 dozen finches.

Santorum wins in Iowa after a dozen Iowans found hiding in the corn near Altoona.

Just another fight for the teat as far as Iowans are concerned.

No one flew over the cuckoos nest in Iowa.

8 votes now known as a Romney mandate.

Michele Bachmann acknowledges reality for the first time. Next: Marcus.

Bachmann won the pastors but lost the congregations.

What people don’t know is Romney bet $10,000 to win by 8 in Iowa.

Makes you long for that voice of reason George W Bush. The Deciderer.

Ce Lo Green angers John Lennon fans by changing his lyrics on New Year’s to “I Wanna Hold Your Ham.”

High point of the evening was when Callista Gingrich threw herself over the Tiffany ball when it began to drop.

Apple will release the Doomsday Cloud at its January event.

Shortage of Adderall threatens GPA’s across the country.

Jobs, manufacturing and the weather all up: 2012 could be a Boomrack Obama year. Not bad for a crony capitalist.

In a recess appointment, President Obama replaces John Boehner with Alec Baldwin.

John McCain albatrosses Romney.

Gingrich Super PAC Cossacks burn out Romney camp in Manchester, NH.

Few sleeveless sweaters seen on the slopes in New Hampshire.

Romney goes so far to the right in South Carolina ends up in Charleston harbor.

Standard & Poor downgrades Hungary to goulash rating. G+.

Barnes & Noble sticks Nook in cranny.

JC Penny introduces Rick Santorum line.

Can’t deport every kid who mouths off to Columbia. Still, she shouldn’t have said she was Pablita Escobar.

European Facebook worm proves 50 million Frenchmen can be hacked.

Jon Huntsman denies he is the Manchurian Candidate, says “Raymond Shaw is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I have ever known in my life.”

Romney in New Hampshire: Old Mitt in the Mountain.

Santorum confuses same sex with some sex marriage.

The difference between Ron Paul and Rick Santorum is Paul is smart stupid.

Bad to worse for Demi Moore who now qualifies to play Gloria Steinem.
Ashton was supposed to play Hef.

President Ahneedsashaveabad claims the Strait of Hormuz as Iran’s Hillbilly Riviera.

Chinese spacecraft fails to attain orbit at 25 mph.

Credit libel added to blood libel when Saudi hackers release Israeli credit card numbers.

German burns LA in Dresden reprisal.

Wisconsin Governor Walker gives Oregon’s governor 30,000 jobs to satisfy Rose Bowl bet.

So many concealed carry applications in Wisconsin it’s obvious some guys are more than a little happy to see ya.

President Obama downsizes military to Call of Duty: Black Ops.

And, Van Halen survivors reunite and will tour as soon as the lift is installed on the bus . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t

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