Posted tagged ‘This just in . . .’

All the News That Isn’t from Michael Feldman

May 3, 2010

May 3, 2010

On the Gulf oil platform disaster: All I know is, you put in a toilet—a toilet—and you have to put in a cutoff valve. It’s the law.

President Obama does not tell Brownie “you’ve done a heckuva job.”

Immediately deployed to the correspondents dinner to have a look for himself.

British petroleum is coming! British Petroleum is coming!
One if by land, two if by—never mind, it’s already here.

BP is referring to the disaster as “a spot of bother I must say.”

The rig was in the Gulf but the wellhead is in London. Spouting off more than Gordon Brown.

Thank God it wasn’t Yiddish Petroleum—we have enough trouble.

The good news is the British like their kippers packed in oil.

In retaliation for the wind farm off the Kennedy compound, the Kennedys are pushing a BP platform off the Bush compound.

The car bomb found in Times Square—fire crackers tied to a cat—now seen as less deadly than first thought.

Chairman of Goldman Sachs draws a Blankfein in front of committee.

There will be a controlled burn of the oil slick he released.

Goldman left holding the Sachs.

Goldfinger and Sachs.

Hard times for these guys—you can’t tie the oldest daughter to the train tracks anymore.

I say throw the TARP over him. You want transparency, make him disappear.

Although it makes sense from a business standpoint; I bet my investments will fail.

Congress is biting the hand that feeds it, but they’re doing it gingerly, like your doggy anxious for the treat.

After missing several days of tee times, Republicans relent on bringing financial reform bill to the floor. The Tee Party. Dems were taking divots out of ‘em.

Shakira goes to Arizona to straighten out this immigration thing, is shipped back to Bogotá in a steel drum.

The governor of Arizona turns to WhiteFacebook to make her case on immigration.

The French church is turning to Craig’s List to attract priests.

Iran comes out with its version of the iPad, the ineedashaveabadPad.

Post Office to cut costs by going back to ponies.

Man who smuggled song birds in his pants to be Birds-in-pants man of Alcatraz.

Iceland will fire up the volcano again to soften up Europe for a full scale Viking invasion.
Eric the Sooty.

Physicist Stephen Hawking says space aliens have “To Serve Mankind” cookbook.

The first time Tiger couldn’t make it at Quail Hollow. Just tired.

Men encouraged to do colon self exams. There’s an app for it.

California’s Santa Clara county rips Happy Meals out of the tiny hands of inconsolable toddlers, stomps Ronald McDonald to death in front of them—but it’s for their own good—

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .