Posted tagged ‘Commandments slashed 50%!’

Top Five Must Have Commandments

May 17, 2010

Top Five Must Have Commandments

Today Moses would have 140 characters with which to prove the Lord God more worthy of following than Ashton Kutcher. On his blog, Mo Sez, there would be opportunity to flesh it out a little, although not as much as ten commandments, since only Letterman Almighty still goes that route. Here in the US of ADD it is a well-established principle that you are allowed either one gross bloviation on the state of things or the Top Five Kim Kardashian relationships, ways to stand out during Glee auditions, killer iPad apps, iPad killers, ways to erase blackheads or reasons to stop saying “good job!” to your kids for their own good. By the third no one is paying attention, but a convention is a convention. Fiveness is not just an American preoccupation, as the Japanese have sufficiently demonstrated by broiling, simmering, steaming, frying and pickling; nor is it uniquely post-Modern if you but look at St. Thomas Aquinas’s overkill of God via (1) the unmoved mover (2) first cause (3) contingency (my personal favorite) (4) degree and (5) the teleological proofs of His existence. Five is much honored, with accolades including (but not limited to) Fermat and Eisenstein prime, fifth Fibonacci number, the 5 Pillars of Islam and Books of Torah, Dr. Gary Chapman’s seminal tome on relationships, “The Five Love Languages, and the Five Virtues of crickets cited in Hugh Raffles’ Insectopedia.
One assumes the 10 Commandments had been considerably pared down from the several thousand or so talking points the Lord God summoned forth for starters, and may have, in fact, been only the ones Moses could remember or transport. They were light reading at a time when there were 24 species of birds alone, bat to vulture (despite the ossifrage—bone-breaker—being some pretty good eating) not kosher for consumption. The wisdom of the elders stops short of anticipating the attenuated attention spans of the sons of the sons of the etc. Today Moses’ robes would be visibly drenched in flop sweat immediately following number I. V is pushing it to the max–but which old shoes to drop? The Anglicans have conveniently lumped the first 2 into a preface with which Gershom, presumably, preceded his dad down Sinai (Eliezer following with sources and acknowledgements). “I am the Lord, your God,” is inferred, while “no other gods before me,” an obvious shot across Baal’s bow, nothing if not implicit. Today “No Idols” is a tough sell, although maybe not after Crystal Bowersox. Murder and stealing, boilerplate, really, pretty much have to be in there; coveting, negotiable, in light of the Five Gadgets You Have to Have, none of which, luckily, happen to be your neighbor’s wife or stuff. In Exodus, neighbors are on all sides of you, taking up a good 3 of the original 10 commandments, which pieces might be sewn into the one size fits all garment of Geraldine Feldman’s “Don’t start with the neighbors.” “Honor they father and mother” goes without saying, at least by them, leaving us with

The Top Five Must Have Commandments

1. All eyes here.
2. Don’t steal, don’t lip, 20 years of schooling and they put you on the day shift.
3. Don’t start with the neighbors.
4. Do not murder, profane and commit adultery in the same sin.
5. The Lord God’s name, image, likeness, play-by-play and/or transcriptions may not be used without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball.