Posted tagged ‘At 90 James Bond takes it shaken or stirred’

All the News That Isn’t

July 9, 2012

7-9-12

I don’t know, what would you call getting warmer around the globe?
I know, liberal meteorology.

The no-such-a-thing-as-global warming people are like lobsters; won’t feel the heat until it’s too late. Squirt a little lemon on ’em, they’re done.

Wisconsin was never meant to be served at 104 degrees.
Cow pies hard as rocks. Good to throw, but must be murder to pass.

104 degrees, but it’s a wet heat. Feels like Fahrenheit 451.
Mercury in the off season.

If we do nothing about global warming (out of principle) the next planet away from the sun is Mars, high of 70, low minus 225. Putting it slightly north of Fairbanks.

Wisconsin now has an Arizona climate–only difference is nobody stops you for your papers. Yet.

Can’t even head north for relief what with the buckling of Highway 29 separating Wisconsin from Up Nort’.

Everybody’s worried what if Canada melts?

In All the other News That Isn’t–

Find one more God particle–voila!–little godlet particles.

Get a whole bunch of god particles make something resembling Charleton Heston.

Eventually, there’ll be so many god particles, it’ll be, like, “Not another god ____ particle!”

Funny thing is, I had a bunch of god particles in the bottom of my sock drawer–just threw ’em out. Thought “what am I collecting these for?”

Truth is every particle thinks it’s fundamental to the universe. Just the way particles are.

Remember, the last time physicists were this excited they had just split the atom. You know how that worked out.

Next for physics–the atheist particle. Then the tea particle.

In non-particle non-news–

Romney not only looking at a woman as vice president, he’s thinking sister vp’s.

Romney says the jobs report “a real kick in the gut.” Quite a leap of faith for a guy who’s never held a job.

I don’t know, I add 80,000 jobs I feel pretty good about myself. Governor Walker would.

Unemployment rate 8.2% could go to 8.3 with Mr. Obama. But what a resume! Unfortunately, the president is now over qualified to ever work again. Pretty much how I feel.

On the do I have health care or don’t I front–

Wouldn’t talk up the pre-existing conditions just yet. They’ve waited this long, they can wait a little longer.

Romney now says the mandate is broccoli.

Groucho says “you gotta take up the tacks before you can take up the carpet.”

Stay tuned, we’ll let you know when it’s safe to get sick.

On the internets, denial of service attacks multiply. Hey, don’t talk to me about denial of service, I’ve been married 28 years.

The University of Arizona develops robot that walks with a human gait, deports it when it cannot produce papers.

US to hand defense of Afghanistan to Taliban.

Court green lights attacking priests in revenge, but don’t think you’ll get off with a few Hail Mary’s in confession.

Apple suit forces Samsung to sell new tablets from fireworks stands in the county.

Congress passes balloon rate student loans-your new rates will be on the diploma.

When the rates go up next year, time to think about loaning your student.

Conservative PAC’s begin gobbling up one another in billion dollar game of Pac-Man.

Big Florida tropical storm Debby Does Daytona.

30% of meat eaters would eat a vegetarian. Mmm grain-fed.

Rumored iMinipad–for light days.

PRI–Public Radio International–acquires Mexico. Looks like we’ll be replaced with Sabado Gigante.

Sexting among elderly on slow rise.

James Bond at 90: shaken or stirred, just give it to me! and

Anderson Cooper Bites Dog–that’s news,

and That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .