All the News That Isn’t
It’s a gaggle of geese, a conclave of cardinals.
Conclave finally underway in Vatican City after Rand Paul gives up his filibuster.
Talk about drones.
Physician catheterize thyself.
Or do like Strom did–discrete use of spittoons.
Kind of funny the conclave would start on Shabbes. But God forgives.
A democratic conclave–Cardinals of every hue.
50 shades of Cardinal.
What held things up: 115 Cardinals, 114 name tags.
Arguing about their per deus.
Usual Cardinals vs Ordinals kind of thing.
There was some discussion of going to a COO instead of Pope, but POO didn’t scan.
Small faction pushing for a People’s Choice Pontiff.
The Conclave would’ve started earlier but nobody wanted to miss the Real Housewives of Vatican City.
I don’t know, don’t see this much attention for Israel Bond drives.
In other News That Isn’t—
North Korea’s Kim Jong Un warns of a preemptive Mothra attack on the US.
New feature film Kim Jong Oz bombs at box office.
It’s not punishment enough to have Osama bin Laden for a father in law?
President’s dinner with senators a good first step, let’s see how the dancing goes.
Polar bear parts trade seems to be Canadians dark side.
In NFL combine news, there’ll be no more asking “do you like girls?” The only thing you can say now is “do these pads make me look fat?”
Only permissible to ask the center if he likes girls.
When the quarterback yells out “Blue 58!” that means “Do you like girls?”
Girls, shmirls, what you don’t want is an ankle-tackler.
Have an uneasy feeling we’ll see Hugh Jackman in the Hugo Chavez musical, “Hugo!”
The Crayola people will be preserving President Chavez.
Same guys who did Kim Jong Il–do good work.
Main effect of sequester so far is to cancel Romney’s tour of the White House. So Occupy White House is out.
Budget whiz Paulie Ryan says universal no CPR will save billions. Plus, you get the inheritances.
Guess the Do Not Resuscitate Rest Home is out for gram.
A lot of rest homes are no CPR no CPA.
On Wall Street, the bulls rampage in our little china shop.
Small knives now permitted on airliners, although with the TSA furloughs we’ll see the occasional machete and/or Bowie knife.
Only problem I see is if Crocodile Dundee flies coach.
You can bring a hockey stick but not toothpaste onboard, so if you can brush your teeth with a hockey stick you’re in luck.
Time-Warner accidentally spins off both Time and Warner.
Forbes billionaire list is out–if the Koch brothers (tied at 6) could share organs, they’d be hard on the heels of #1 Carlos Slim.
Silvio Berlusconi offered a year in prison or president of Italy.
Global temperatures the highest in 4,000 years, but you’ve got to take the long view.
Some suggestion that Kraft Mac & Cheese is not florescent yellow orange in nature.
Fox News head Roger Ailes calls Joe Biden “dumb as an ashtray.” I have met an ashtray, and it is no Joe Biden, and
Disney to use original cast for Star Wars VII, even though Luke Skywalker now uses a walker, Carrie Fishes only fits in the Chewbacca outfit, and Harrison Ford will be more Hans Assisted-Living than Solo.