All the News That Isn’t for March 5, 2012

Contraception fails in Senate. Guess they needed a small.

Glad we finally could talk about it though.

Ironically, there is a condom machine in the Senate restroom.

The House is leaning toward premature ejaculation. As is their wont.

With what Congress is doing to us, I wish they would wear something.

In other news—

Down to the final battle for the nomination, Mitt vs. Romney.

The Comeback Clod.

Kind of guy you can’t help but not like.

If they can just prevent Mitt from saying anything to anyone–off handed, joking, shooting varmints–I think he’ll take it.

Did win 29 delegates in Arizona who aren’t about to go to Tampa in August for the convention.

Santorum fades–good news is that kids can go to college again.
And they can use contraception. Maybe that should be number one.

Newt, meanwhile, was last seen wandering the streets of Flagstaff muttering about moon colonies. Free gas.

Rocky III for Gingrich.

Callista’s ready to dump the chump. Looking at Paulie Ryan. Nab one on the way up this time.

Israel may be celebrating Purim in Persia this year. Traditional.

The US has Israel’s back, just not its effrontery.

God tells Rupert to sacrifice son James, unlike Abraham, he does it.
Armageddon pushed back to 2040 due to flagging end of days indicators.

Economy is growing–hey, when they give you .3% on savings, 3% is real growth.

The economy is up, employment is up, market’s up–the more the President does nothing, the better it works.

World’s only surviving Republican moderate Senator Olympia Snowe will retire after her genome is sequenced.

Kim Young Un of North Korea will stop the nuclear program for an iPad 3.

Snooki is either pregnant or her baby fat matured all at once.

Lindsay Lohan says the only bad thing about the morgue job was all the dead guys hitting on her.

Rush calls the Lorax a slut.

The Packers sell 268,000 shares of worthless stock at $250 each–the Green Bay Ponzis! and

New poll in Wisconsin shows anything mammalian with a pulse can beat Governor Walker in a recall election . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t

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