All the News That Isn’t for April 15


With 4 million words in the tax code, lucky we don’t have to pay by the word.

President Obama’s 2014 budget comes in at just under 3.8 trillion–down to
3.7999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 trillion after cutting the White House tours.

Paulie Ryan says it’s not enough, wants all tours cut–motorcoach, Globus, Gray Line (especially Gray Line), Carnival, the one you take with your French teacher to Paris–finit.

Correction of an earlier story saying North Korea has a “nuclear warhead;” should read North Korea has an “unclear warhead.”

Pentagon says best way to stop a North Korean missile is to get it while still in the cereal box.

A rare display of bipartisanship in Congress on the gun bill–well, not bipartisan, really, more like swatting at the same fly and hitting one another.

President Obama now says he was trying to encourage Jay-Z and Beyonce to defect to Cuba.

New film “42” about the first black player in major league baseball, Jackie Robinson, spurs hope for a biopic on Larry Bird, the last white player in basketball.

Ex-congressman Anthony Weiner engorging for a New York mayoral race.

If Weiner wins, what will he raise at the swearing in?

You mark my words–first background checks, next foreground checks.
A short step to turn your head and cough.

Dutch recall 50,000 tons of meat because into each meat a little horse must fall.

Big coming-out coming up in professional sports all points to Brian Urlacher. Or not.

I’m looking forward to the first “I’m Gay and I Play” halftime show. Finally give the bands something to work with.

NASA to lasso an asteroid on a whim. Not the first time someone’s been high in Pasadena.

You can mine an asteroid but its best not to pick at ’em.

Kim Jong Un says he has already lassoed an asteroid and is dragging it toward the US.

Some concern over a new app that allows you to take control of an airliner–but at least no more sitting on the tarmac!

Secretary of State John Kerry would like to see North and South Korea go to countries counseling.

The human and the fly brain called strikingly similar, or so buzzes little Vincent Price from the web in the rose bush.

Pols unable to agree on cherry blossoms in Tidal Basin, bloom called off.

Man at Home Depot too cheap to buy a saw.

Goat’s head only bright spot in Cub’s season. Too bad owner Ricketts didn’t wake up next to it.

Margaret Thatcher, who slept only 4 hours a night, catching up now.

The babbling of the Gelada baboon of Ethiopia said to be the closest to human speech of any primate outside of Wayne LaPierre.

Red meat, counter-intuitively, not good for one’s red meat.

Bitter disappointment for Iran after discovering they have been refining urea not uranium.

Tape shows Mitch McConnell planned to attack Ashley Judd’s mental health thinking she was Naomi Judd, and

JC Penny’s fires its Ron Johnson and ours packs up–guy’s really out of the loop . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .
Long, Cold Winter Delays Start Of DC Cherry Blossom Season

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