All the News That Isn’t
1-14-13
Happy 2013. If you’re worried about the 13, remember, the first 13 was Jesus’ Bar Mitzvah!
Joe Biden holds pistol to his head, drags self out of NRA meeting saying, “do something, or the Veep gets it!”
Walmart comes around, agrees to Everyday Low Ammo.
Looks like only gun restriction this year will be on David Gregory.
Host of Meet the High Capacity Clip.
Joe Biden inaugurated in Venezuela in lieu of Hugo Chavez.
Russia offers Jerry Lewis citizenship.
After selling his cable network to Kuwaitis, it’s now Al Gore Jazeera.
Lawyers on ice at NHL opener. Should see their enforcers.
NRA willing to trade assault rifles for drones.
Nobody makes it into Baseball Hall of Fame, but the Steroid Hall of Fame overflows.
AIG to sue US for saving its assets. Like Rapunzel getting an injunction against the prince.
FAA throws Dreamliner under the Airbus.
Man mistakenly drops trillion dollar coin in Salvation Army Kettle. Had it in same pocket as the half dollar he was going to give.
Most of Justin Bieber’s problems come from hangin’ with pal L’il Blunts. Note: if it’s pink and the band says Double Bubble it is not a Blunt.
Although his music has been getting pretty psychedelic.
Django put forward for defense secretary.
Nominee for CIA so ugly he takes Paula Broadwell out of play.
In Sydney, a Kangaroo attempts to go through airport security with more than 3-3oz items in pouch.
The 40 billionth apple app is sold, of which 1,437 are in use.
17 billion earth sized planets and none of them are good enough for her.
Wisconsin’s Walker and Syria’s Assad make exactly the same speech.
Modern parenting found to hinder brain development in modern parents.
I’m landlord of the world’s largest pot shop and there’s a problem, I go down and talk with the guys.
Fighting Irish prove they’re ready for the Big 10.
All they led in was GPA’s.
Researchers find we lose at games because we’re no good at them.
Curiosity lander finds that under the red Mars is taupe.
Lance Armstrong leaves Oprah transfused.
They called the Titanic Dreamliner, too.
Oscar nominations are out and they’re Les Prettydarnhappyes at Les Miserables.
The Wisconsin version of which is called Les Nottoobadables.
Sally Field nominated for her role as the Flying Mary Todd Lincoln.
Lincoln got so many nominations they’re hold the Oscars at Ford’s Theater.
Argo is the fist time corn starch has been nominated for an Oscar.
Life of Pi gets 3.1415926535897932384626433 nominations, and
That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .
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