All the News That Isn’t January 30, 2012


President Obama is lucky he didn’t get a 21 gun salute from Arizona’s Jan Brewer.

I told her, Jan, if it’s a hassle, don’t pick me up at the airport. I can catch a cab.

At the President’s State of the Union, “yellow cake from Africa” joke falls flat.

Got a big unintentional laugh when he said Obama bin Laden.

The President called for banks to bring back socket wrenches and stadium blankets. Maybe pay enough interest to cover overdrafts.

Said the Navy will go green with baking soda and vinegar powered ships.

Suggested teachers make Chinese tires. May have heard that wrong.
You know, Chinese tires last a long time at those speeds.

Thanked GM for the new Barack Riviera.

Said he would circumvent congress with a calling center in Mumbai.

Will reduce the Pentagon to the Triangle.

The Navy Seals who freed the Somali hostages could not decompress in time for their gallery moment at the speech.

Response at the State of the Union was mixed. Mitch McConnell did not rise once, continuing to hang by his feet from the gallery, wings folded.

Didn’t help the President’s speech that the guide still said “Biggest Loser.”

Its shares rising above Exxon, we may now speak of the Apple Valdez.

Romney says his father, Jorge, was born in Mexico, self-deported to the US.
Technically they weren’t Mexicans they were Mormicans.

Republicans had the most fun in FL since they beat on the windows at the voting registrar.

Republican debate audiences can applaud but they can’t keep time.

Newt got a lot of the older vote in Florida who thought he was B.F. Goodrich.

Newt’s bold new vision: a Hershey Park on the moon financed by Freddie Mac.

Newt asked Callista if he could see Fannie Mae. And maybe Heidi Klum.

Gingrich pooh-poohs self-deportation promotes self-congratulation.

A discouraged Rick Santorum self-deports back to Italy.

Not so much the Republican Party as the Donner Party.

Asteroid buzzes the earth looking for Newt Gingrich.

Rand Paul stopped by TSA with family size tube of Crest taped to leg.

Starbucks now offers beer, wine and pot on the loading dock.

Twitter says there’s no such thing as free tweets.

Joe Biden can do a pretty good Indian call-center guy.

Arab League finished with Syria goes now to Demi Moore.

Wiki-Leaks dude Assange gets own show “I’ve Got Your Secrets.”

Italian cruise ship captain reassigned to Carnival Somalia.

Seal frees Heidi Klum.

Eurozone sold to Autozone.

On a pain scale from 1 to 10 men suffer their own 5 plus their wife’s 8.

Prince Fielder gets paid by the pound.

Eli Manning carries this little brother thing about as far as it can go.

Meryl Streep to play Glen Close.

Huge solar flare causes release of Romney returns and Gingrich indictments.

and, in Wisconsin, recall turns into windfall for Governor Walker, who gets $13 million just for being himself . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t


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