Bustier in the Freezer & Other Tips to Beat the Heat

Keep a Cool Dome Under the Heat Dome

1. Get ready for fun out of the sun with wet t-shirt and fruit of the loom contests in the comfort of your own home. You can’t lose when you cool off and your marriage heats up!

2. Turn off all heat sources including family and pets. Why stoke up a the oven when you can cook with a parabolic mirror hastily fashioned from the satellite dish you stopped throwing money at anyway? Pull the plug on your energy death star Kelvinator and get to eat your way through it before it all goes bad. Unscrew or yank all light bulbs, microwaves, chargers, air fresheners, smoke alarms, home dialysis units, mangles and those hair crimpy things. What, are you heating the entire neighborhood?

3. Adjust your pilot light. That’s what she said. You know it’s the little things. That’s what she said. Should climate stress be prolonged, blow out the pilot entirely and take the gas, but only in Oregon.

4. Where possible, rotate your house so the windows face north. Have a mobile home that’s actually mobile? Perfect–rule of thumb is keep the rising and the setting sun behind you, even if it means you end up back at the trailer park.

5. Still 82 when you go to bed? No problemo. Haul your comforters down to the park, like we used to, and enjoy nature’s air conditioner while muggers and thieves enjoy yours.

6. Line the recliner arms with Red White and Blue’s and pour over stacks of Popular Pseudo-Science proving there is no global warming beyond the shadow of a doubt. You may not do anything about the weather, like the fella said, but why be like he who would stand in the gutter and stare into the sun?

7. If you have wings made of feathers and wax do not fly too close to the sun. Try wearing 2 caps, one forward and one back. Eat only white things that reflect heat–Wonder Bread, Weiss beer, cod, the milky Jell-O they used to serve in Chinese restaurants. Make long lists of things that have nothing in common. Guys, take a chance on a shorty mesh tee shirt pushing manly things around Sam’s Club, and, gals, why not keep a bustier in the freezer?

8. Push Sugar over a bit, lay face down on the nice cool hall floor and let the dog walk over you for a change. To cool hindquarters, simply roll over–any belly scratching you get is gravy.

9. Fill the bathtub with ice cold gin and bob for olives. Languish for a while–you deserve it!

10. Move. Although, it is hot all over.

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