All the News that Isn’t

All the News That Isn’t for January 8, 2011

Job offers pouring in for homeless man with golden voice, Jim Packard.

Sarah Palin’s Alaska cancelled due to lack of Inuit.

In Washington, Little Fockers take office.

Tea Partiers open Congress by dumping copies of Constitution in Potomac.

Powdered wigs in Capitol Hill for the first time in 200 years.

Speaker Boehner opened the session by reading the parts of the Constitution he liked. The 2nd Amendment only takes about 60 seconds.

Republicans were hoping to repeal Hawaii’s statehood before the President got back from Honolulu.

House Un-Tea Partian Affairs Committee chair calls the Obama administration the most corrupt since the Bush administration.

Pentagon will save 78 Billion by converting to Call of Duty: Black Ops.

The bad news is that Cheney’s heart pump is made by Halliburton.

Columbus, Ohio man with great voice new presidential press secretary.

Chinese stealth fighter looks suspiciously like fortune cookie.

Looks like Taylor Hefner is next.

84 year old Hugh Hefner, warned about possible fatal consequences of marrying 24 year old, says “if she dies, she dies.”

With the “n’s” removed it’s Huckleberry Fi.

Sudden increase in Republican on Republican crime.

Enterprise commander says no Navy without seamen.
The Navy: what happens on the fantail stays on the fantail.

Uproar as Jon Stewart compares President to Star Wars Jar Jar Binks.

Reagan pretty much unchanged on 100th birthday.

Brett Favre to be Pocket Fisherman spokesman.

Michael Steele offered porter job at Republican National Committee.

Death of thousands of birds in Arkansas blamed on Obamacare.

At 50 Billion, Facebook valuation comes to half a Billion for every friend.

Woman groped by Donald Duck feels goofy.

Every 36 years like clockwork Jerry Brown is governor of California.

Scientists find that a crying woman is nearly as big a turnoff as a laughing woman.

National Enquirer and Star merge to form 2-ply paper.

Court rules strip search of male inmate by female guard unconstitutional even if he asks for it.

Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin scratch each other’s eyes out.

Kate and William register at Target.

In another setback for Broadway Spiderman, leading spider lady eats leading spider man.

Montel fails to put hash pipe in quart sized bag at Milwaukee airport.

Paul Soglin to run for mayor of Madison in 1968 and

I don’t know about you, but I’ve just seen my first “You must have been born on this date in 1990” tavern sign—

Happy New Year!

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