Michael Feldman’s All the News That Isn’t

May 24, 2010

Dow Jones found hanging from bell at New York Stock Exchange.

Turns out it’s the Davy Jones Index.

British Domestic Partners Cameron & Clegg already having problems. Cameron’s going to Berlin without Clegg, and boy is she steaming! Those Public School relationships are tough to maintain.

FBI warns of terrorist caterers—that’s pretty well established. Try to get your deposit back from Osama.

Arlen Specter victim of the single ballot theory.

Rand Paul, poster boy for Tea Party Intellectualism, calls the president’s criticism of British Petroleum “Un-American.”
His dad is trying to distance himself from Rand, says he was adopted.

Clarifying another misstatement, Rand says he never said slavery was all right in a pinch.

Vatican warns scientists that man-made bacteria cannot be buried in consecrated ground. Pagan bacteria.

“Lost” fans now unable to make sense of life.

US Intelligence head replaced with iPad.

War on terror on hiatus along with war on poverty, war on drugs, and war on paying too much for men’s suits.

Rand Paul’s name is really an anagram for “darn.”

Lindsay Lohan would rather party on a yacht in Cannes than testify at a probation hearing in municipal court. Case dismissed!
This Deep Throat movie should turn things around for her; Lindsay Lovelace.

Reverend Wright says Barrack Obama “threw me under the bus”—but he’s lucky because there was a train a-comin’!

Lance Armstrong says he has nothing to hide, which, after the surgery, is probably true.

Gas prices have been falling ever since they began giving it away in the Gulf.

Sarah Palin rounding up other mama grizzlies for this fall’s “Real Housewives of Hell.”

Senate passes finance bill just as we run out of ‘em.

The Salahis were on their way to get a life when stopped by police.

The state dinner for the Mexican president went off with the only hitch being Joe Biden’s impromptu hat dance with Sr. Calderon’s fedora.

Anti-missile found to actually be afraid of missiles and even, secretly, pro-missile.

Kevin Trudeau, author of Natural Cures You Don’t Want to Know About, sentenced to 30 days of a raw organic diet with daily injections of liquid manure.

Kagan not known for dating at Harvard.

Google street view cannot only video your residence, it can take a posture picture of you.

Facebook fails to explain why people you never heard of dominate your page with news that has nothing to do with you. Or, like, what likes means.

Human Growth Hormone explains half-back going to full-back and tight end wide receiver.

Miley Cyrus does Lady Gag Gag video. Well, Hannah Montana always was a stripper’s name.

North Korea preparing an army of Hello Kitty’s to invade the south, where they will be welcomed with open arms. The Trojan Hello Kitty.

Richard Blumenthal says he sure is going to miss the Battle of the Bulge reunions.

Study reveals men get post-partum, although it’s a different partum.

First Lady says obesity not p-h-a-t.

Elvis Costello cancels Israeli concerts—didn’t realize the Israelis were Jews.

Miss USA says Trump told her pole dancing qualified as a talent.

Ladies investment club at Blue Horizon Retirement Home caused 1,000 point drop in the Dow. The ladies were hedging their bets.

And, a cougar takes out a cow in Wisconsin—Salahis seen in neighborhood . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t

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