Archive for February 2016

On the Sanctity of iPhones

February 26, 2016

Letter to the Tech Editor:

Farhood Manjoo, writing in ‘State of the Art,’ New York Times (2-15-2016) warns the digital sky will fall should Apple violate “a phone that it had promised users was inviolable,” a warranty which, unless it’s implied, has to be buried deep in the myriad font 6 user agreements. Most of us, terrorists aside, missed the offer entirely. Apple’s is an unprecedented guarantee–even Ivory soap will only go 99 44/100%. Meanwhile, the ISIS PX in Mosul can’t keep the i6 Plus (gold) in stock, and you know the IS IT boys have to keep inveighing against backing up your phone to Apple Cloud, what with clouds being what they are. Even a mass murderer’s property is secure against illegal search and seizure unless there is probable cause for doing so, which the majority of us not tech writers find in the slaughter of 14 people.

Dan Hicks and the Hot Licks on Whad’ya Know

February 24, 2016

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Einstein’s Hair Explained and All the News That Isn’t

February 15, 2016

2-15-2016

Gravity wave advisory until midnight.
Got really excited about the announcement thought it was gravy waves.

Confirmation of gravitational waves proves Einstein was right–like he needs to hear that again.
Gravity waves finally explain Einstein’s hair.

So, a burst of gravitational waves arrives after 1.3 billion years–only one question: where the heck have you been?
Gravity waves hitting the earth with a 30 times the mass of the sun at the speed of light explosion got nothing on Donald Trump.

Butterfly flaps its wings in the Amazon and Jim Gilmore drops out of presidential race.
And wakes Ben Carson out of sound sleep.
Little known fact that Ben Carson wears his mask over his eyes when he operates.

At the Hillary-Bernie debate in Milwaukee both candidates struggle with the bubbler question.
Sanders considered the winner because he did not wear yellow.

After Trump calls Cruz ‘what that lady said’ thousands of New Hampshire ladies agree.
The Lady and the Trump.

Marco Rubio tells his boys, 8 and 10, that the bleeped Trump reference was another name for a cat. The kids now think it’s unacceptable to call someone a grimalkin.
Rubio had more trouble explaining how he was the pretty face in a porn star’s endorsement–it’s complicated, kids.

In Mexico City someone steals the rims off the Popemobile. Should be pretty easy to find the guy around town.

Another look at Super Bowl 50 tapes shows that the North Korean satellite passed directly over Cam Newton just as he was deciding what to do about the game-losing fumble.
Turns out Kim Jong Un’s money was on the Broncos.

Kim Jong Un executes another uncle to clear up seating problem at reunion.

One hallelujah and last cowboy headin’ for the last roundup in Oregon.
Huge pile of bean cans left behind in Oregon reveals occupation was one long Blazing Saddles.

Global slide in stocks seen as boon for those of us who didn’t want to retire anyway.
Converted my SEP-IRA to a SUC-IRA.

Scientists at Johns Hopkins create mini-brains that could be ready for the 2020 Republican contest.

Kanye West says Cliff Huxtable could never have done all those things.

Study shows 46% of women are disappointed when they receive flowers for Valentine’s Day, 59% are humiliated getting anything from Victoria’s Secret, and 100% are disappointed to be handed Kohl’s Cash . . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t2einstens

Cliff Huxtable Loses Obstetrics License: All the News That Isn’t

February 8, 2016

2/8/16

The results from the Iowa Caucuses mean nothing–if America were like Iowa we’d be up to our knees in hog manure and our ears in tassels.
Loved the headline in the local paper “Jewish Boy Wows Hog Farmers.”
Biggest winner in Iowa is Mexico–now they don’t have to pay for the damn wall.

North Korea satellite seriously resembles Kia Soul.

Cliff Huxtable loses obstetrics license.

No evidence to charge Orange County teacher who helped prisoners escape despite the fact that all three got A’s!

Toyota will pay back thousands of minority buyers who were overcharged, but not one dime for all the white guys who got the undercoating.

Study concludes if you use marijuana every day you are probably living in Colorado.

Drug gouger Martin Shkreli calls House committee “imbeciles,” proving even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Center for Disease Control tells young women drinking wine makes you pregnant, while two beers means twins.
99 million year old Daddy Longlegs with an additional long leg a reminder that should you have an erection lasting longer than 99 million years see your doctor.
Who, hopefully, has also been preserved in amber.

First Playboy clothed issue returns full frontal nudity to the hotel mirror where it does not belong.

Feng shui expert says Donald Trump’s mouth entirely in the wrong place for him to be president.

All over but the shouting at the Super Bowl with one big question looming: will this be the last game for one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time Cam Newton?
Now we just have to wait and see if Cam thanks Olivia Munn at the MVP ceremony.
For Peyton Manning it’s pizza, pot and now this.

 

Here in Wisconsin the former Scott Walker, facing a sizable debt from a botched presidential campaign, seen sitting on a traffic island with sign, “Will wurk for million Dollerz.”

cliff_huxtable_cosby_show

That’s All the News That Isn’t