Archive for December 2015

2015: All the News That Wasn’t

December 26, 2015

All the News That Wasn’t for 2015
January: Candidate Scott Walker takes his first foreign trip ever to the UP.

February: Mike Huckabee compares being gay to drinking because he’s only gay when he drinks.

March: Hillary’s emails will be released just as soon as Bill’s Snapchats are pulled out.

April: New England Patriot Act: you can collect a guy’s data but you can’t deflate a guy’s balls.

May: President Obama calls a Gulf Summit and only two guys from Gulfport show up.

June: Canadian creationist discovers 60 year old T-Rex.

July: Pope Francis clarifies his remarks by saying that “fettered capitalism, however, only faintly reeks of the dung of the devil.”

August: At the Iowa State Fair woman pulls Trump hair, head falls off.

September: House of Representatives votes down Planned Parenthood, gives every planned child 30 days to get out.

October: Playboy to no longer feature nudes in the magazine; generations of boys will now grow up never knowing what a naked lady does not look like.

November: Dow jumps 150 points–if a world in chaos is what it takes for my IRA, so be it.

December: Human brains are neither male nor female unless she says they are.339a158e77cd4c998fed05cd9cac6ed3-donr61

Marmosets Flying Drones and All the News That Isn’t

December 21, 2015

12-21-15

 

California says driverless cars must have a steering wheel and brakes. OK with me either way–I never use ’em.

There has to be a driver in driverless cars, although you can put an inflatable behind the wheel– just move him over from the passenger side..

I’d like to have a self-driving car and neither of us drive. Just park and talk.

Maybe stop at a driverless-in for something food-less.

 

You know if driverless cars must have drivers, drones will soon be required to have marmosets flying them.

Bad enough you’re supposed to register them–before I register they will have to pry my drone out of my cold dead neighbor’s head.

 

In the Newsless News–

 

Pharmaceutical CEO Martin Shkreli’s bail increased 5000%.

Shkreli will be incarcerated with lifers on Daraprim.

 

Homeland Security retrieves the Terror Alert Thermometer–United Way had it.

The problem with Homeland Security has always been that it sounds like a Savings & Loan.

 

Rate increase by the Fed could send personal savings rates skyrocketing to .25%.

 

Fake email threat that shutdown LA Unified schools was signed Ferris Bueller.

 

Vladimir Putin says of Donald Trump, “Is reminding me of self.”

In Israel the new Star Wars released as The Foreskin Awakens.

The Force Awakens brings redemption for older men who’ve had little use for their light sabers until now.

 

Bernie accesses Hillary’s Tinder data.

 

Mother Theresa gets her second miracle while Pete Rose fails to get his first.

 

Due to climate change, Lake Superior is warming 2 degrees per decade–should be safe to take a plunge by 2525.

 

Thanks to Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher you get a senior discount at The Force Awakens.

 

Not only is there a Nativity scene in a Tennessee McDonald’s, the three wise men are Ronald McDonald, the Hamburglar, and Mayor McCheese.

 

Tom Brady misses Patriots practice after coming down with the Trumps.

 

Caitlyn Jenner is named Barbara Walters most fascinating person of 2015, while Bruce Jenner is named the least.

 

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The Feldmans Annual Report for 2015

December 16, 2015

2015 for the Feldmans not the best of years, not the worst of years although it was a tale of two cities. A good year, even if it did start out with the passing of our dear puggle, Tina, in January, 10 years after little Ellie said she needed something to love, someTHING, so it couldn’t be US, it had to be a puggle, and the puggle had to be Tina, who, of course, turned out to be someone and not a thing at all, someone we now miss every day.
Largely to keep Dad, Tina’s pet, from brooding, we soon adopted Bella, a poogle, which is like a puggle only with poo in front, sight unseen from an Amish farm (you know the Amish and cameras) and she turned out to be love at first bite. “From Amish to Jewish,” Ellie likes to say, “and very much the ish.” Whatever that means.
Professionally, Whad’ya Know celebrated 30 years on the air, which comes to at least 1,080 shows, 796 of which weren’t too bad. Awards galore in 2015 for WYK include the coveted Mr. Peabody award from boy Sherman, the Genius Award, which turned out to be ironic, and a bar chip–good for one cocktail– from Schmidty’s in La Crosse, east of K-mart on Hwy 33. Naturally, Michael would do it all even without the recognition, but, come on, Schmidty’s.
The girls, I mean the young women, are doing great–Ellie, already in the record books as the first real estate agent to still be living at home, added a second first: the first agent with her own agency, the self-named Ellie Feldman Realty, still living at home. Not saying she’s good at her job, but if she keeps on selling houses at this rate one of them is bound to be ours, and we’ll be out on the street. At the very least we might have to ask her for rent, retroactive to middle school.
Nora spent her junior year not at the conveniently-located-10 blocks-away-highly- regarded-University of Wisconsin, but, rather, at the mas o menos Universidad de Sevilla, inconveniently located, as the name suggests, in Sevilla, Spain, although quite convenient to the aeropuerto where flights to all major cities in Europe, Asia Minor and North Africa can be had for something to do on weekends to drive your hanging by a Skype parents loco. You know, at a certain age you have to stop worrying about them, but I haven’t reached that age yet. Last year Nora spent time in Peru and Nicaragua, and now just needs 17 countries in Central and South America to complete her dream of total Latin domination.
Should people ask I say I have one real estate agent and one Latina, so you never know how they’ll turn out.
Sandy is much the same, even more so, still doin’ PT and lovin’ it, still with the same therapist joke–“therapist: the-rapist, get it?” which may be why she rarely sees a patient a second time. Or maybe she’s just that good.
Well, gotta go–Bella wants to go to bed and won’t unless I’m curled up at the foot.
That’s The Feldmans for 2015–31 years of marriage, 30 of radio–and one of ’em went just like that!
A tu salud, Papa Feld

The Feldmans

The Feldmans

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Putting the Pot Back in Chipotle and All the News That Isn’t

December 14, 2015

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Paris climate talks agree on sunny with a high of 72.

Whole climate thing will be moot once Washington is at the bottom of the Potomac.

Drinking good for Alzheimer’s patients who can remember where they hid the bottle.

Trump and Mothra last 2 Republican candidates standing.

Consumer sediment rises to 4 year high.

Millennials willing to fight ISIS with Call of Duty Black Ops 3.

Millennials believe the American Dream is dead and mom and pop don’t look so good either.

New laser car cameras can see around corners so you can time your collisions so he gets the worst of it.
Just barely brush the pants of pedestrians crossing the street.

Beijing smog red alert–actually, they’ve had hundreds this was just the first one they could see.
So, really, things are looking up in Beijing.

Trump cancels Israel trip after Netanyahu not anti-Muslim enough for him.
Some say it was really because Trump Wailing Wall fell through.

23 Syrian refugees have 30 million Texans holed up in the Alamo.

VW says that only a small group of underlings was responsible for the Third Reich.

Chipotle takes the responsibly raised Montezuma’s revenge off the menu.
They’re putting the pot back in Chipotle.

Study finds that not only does happiness not make you live longer it makes you feel a lot worse about dying.

Cubs trade for the entire St. Louis Cardinals.

Fiat/Chrysler fined $70 million by the oxymoron police.

Antibiotic use on farms up despite Holstein promises to kick.

Some prairie voles are wired for monogamy some aren’t; no big moral deal, according to the Prairie Vole Companion.

Study on direction giving finds the best way to give directions is to not start with “I’m not from around here.”
When using landmarks in your directions make sure they’re still there: never “take a quick right just before where the silo used to be.”
If you have no idea, the time to mention it is at the beginning.
“Never heard of GPS?” is always rude.

Frank Sinatra would be 100 today had he not done it his way.

Urine-powered wireless socks no longer a dream.

That’s All the News That Isn’t

Flyku

December 11, 2015

Flyku

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She dropped in the beer
I fear but still anyway
Drink her just the same

Ted Cruz Pursued by Condom Police & All The News That Isn’t

December 7, 2015

12-7-15

Good idea but I have to say fake rhino horn is not doing it for me.

Brits send Spitfires against ISIS and Germans send V-1’s.

At the climate talks in Paris–
Russians blame Turks for climate.
Germans blame Jews.
Spanish only come out at night so they don’t care.
English used to a spot of bad weather.
Chinese will control their own climate.
The US Congress will have nothing to do with climate unless it affects tee times.

House Speaker Little Paulie Ryan’s replacement for Obamacare–Ryancare–provides a ride to the ER.
And if he can’t do it his sister can.

Obamacare repeal is on Obama’s desk.
No word yet as to Obama’s action.
Probably a ceremony with a lot of pens so everybody gets one.
Mr. Obama joked he’d leave the Hussein in his signature so there’d be more pens to go around.

Although nobody asked for proof, a 2 1/2 million year old peach pit proves Homo erectus enjoyed a nice peach and that he thought he could just throw the pit anywhere.

Not much point in being born to Mark Zuckerberg if he’s going to give it all away to celebrate.
1% of $450 billion is a lousy $450 million, hardly worth the inheritance tax.
In 20 years $450 million will only buy you a Toyota Yaris.

Former front runner brain surgeon Ben Carson plunging so fast he’s thinking about proctology.

Kids with dogs have less anxiety while dogs with kids have more anxiety.

Bonobo’s –the cousins of chimps–are sophisticated enough to appear on a GOP debate stage.

Ted Cruz says the democrat “condom police” are just going to have to pin him down and roll it on.

At a meeting with black ministers Donald Trump’s rendition of “Mammy” falls on deaf ears.

Kobe gets beef offer from Japan.

Japan refuses to take back the sinking Marshall Islands. Will not bail them out.

Imagine what the Red Sox could have gotten for $218 million!
Will Ferrell maybe. Or a new ballpark already.

With Montenegro in NATO there is dancing in the streets of Podgorica.

Human brains are neither male nor female unless she says they are.

Dinosaurs made nests just like birds only a lot flatter.

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