All the News That Wasn’t for 2015
January: Candidate Scott Walker takes his first foreign trip ever to the UP.
February: Mike Huckabee compares being gay to drinking because he’s only gay when he drinks.
March: Hillary’s emails will be released just as soon as Bill’s Snapchats are pulled out.
April: New England Patriot Act: you can collect a guy’s data but you can’t deflate a guy’s balls.
May: President Obama calls a Gulf Summit and only two guys from Gulfport show up.
June: Canadian creationist discovers 60 year old T-Rex.
July: Pope Francis clarifies his remarks by saying that “fettered capitalism, however, only faintly reeks of the dung of the devil.”
August: At the Iowa State Fair woman pulls Trump hair, head falls off.
September: House of Representatives votes down Planned Parenthood, gives every planned child 30 days to get out.
October: Playboy to no longer feature nudes in the magazine; generations of boys will now grow up never knowing what a naked lady does not look like.
November: Dow jumps 150 points–if a world in chaos is what it takes for my IRA, so be it.