Snakes in Hillary’s hair turn Benghazi committee to stone.
Lilliputians fail to stake Hillary down.
Benghazi and Harriet.
Hillary’s only miscue–when asked about her emails–saying “depends what you mean by ‘e’.” Bill’s been coaching her.
Next for the House–the Cubghazi committee.
Takes the Cubs to make the Mets the Yankees.
Bernie ups the ante: free college and refunds to those of us who already paid.
Joe Biden abandons presidential quest, will run for house speaker.
Just have to change chairs at the state of the union.
Paul Ryan’s demands for speaker: long weekends and all school holidays off, government shutdowns by noon on Friday.
After calling Iowans brain damaged from the Monsanto in the corn, Trump handlers tell him, “ixnay on orncay in Ioway!”
Trump only responds to Pig Latin.
Dissing corn could be Trump’s Waterloo, Iowa.
A confident Trump takes out casino gaming license for 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Me, I’m waiting for Melania’s White House tour.
Adele has a new album out “Farmer In.”
Woman who can smell Parkinson’s disease has zero social life.
Secret Service agents caught awake on the job.
Build-a-Bear workshops charged with selling stuffed bear livers to Chinese.
Oprah doubles-down on Weight Watchers.
GOP bill gutting Obamacare will send flocks of gutted to ER.
Dad had a Lincoln Chafee.
Jim Webb AWOL.
Up north, flaming liberal Trudeau wins Prime Minister, bids go out on Great Wall of Canada.
See? Walker was extremely right.
And, a confused and dithering Jeb Bush calls Donald Trump the “false zombie front runner.”
That’s All the News That Isn’t