Archive for October 2015

Trump White House Casino and All the News That Isn’t

October 26, 2015

10-26-15

Snakes in Hillary’s hair turn Benghazi committee to stone.
Lilliputians fail to stake Hillary down.
Benghazi and Harriet.
Hillary’s only miscue–when asked about her emails–saying “depends what you mean by ‘e’.” Bill’s been coaching her.

Next for the House–the Cubghazi committee.
Takes the Cubs to make the Mets the Yankees.

Bernie ups the ante: free college and refunds to those of us who already paid.

Joe Biden abandons presidential quest, will run for house speaker.
Just have to change chairs at the state of the union.

Paul Ryan’s demands for speaker: long weekends and all school holidays off, government shutdowns by noon on Friday.

After calling Iowans brain damaged from the Monsanto in the corn, Trump handlers tell him, “ixnay on orncay in Ioway!”
Trump only responds to Pig Latin.
Dissing corn could be Trump’s Waterloo, Iowa.

A confident Trump takes out casino gaming license for 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Me, I’m waiting for Melania’s White House tour.

Adele has a new album out “Farmer In.”

Woman who can smell Parkinson’s disease has zero social life.

Secret Service agents caught awake on the job.

Build-a-Bear workshops charged with selling stuffed bear livers to Chinese.

Oprah doubles-down on Weight Watchers.

GOP bill gutting Obamacare will send flocks of gutted to ER.

Dad had a Lincoln Chafee.

Jim Webb AWOL.

Up north, flaming liberal Trudeau wins Prime Minister, bids go out on Great Wall of Canada.
See? Walker was extremely right.

And, a confused and dithering Jeb Bush calls Donald Trump the “false zombie front runner.”

That’s All the News That Isn’t

1792, Washington, DC, USA --- The White House as seen from Pennsylvania Avenue. The White House was built from the design submitted by Irishman James Hoban. The corner stone was laid on October 13, 1792. The footings for the main residence were dug by slaves and much of the work was performed by immigrants not yet citizens. John Adams was the first president to take residence in the White House on November 1, 1800. --- Image by © William Manning/Corbis

1792, Washington, DC, USA — The White House as seen from Pennsylvania Avenue. The White House was built from the design submitted by Irishman James Hoban. The corner stone was laid on October 13, 1792. The footings for the main residence were dug by slaves and much of the work was performed by immigrants not yet citizens. John Adams was the first president to take residence in the White House on November 1, 1800. — Image by © William Manning/Corbis

All the Nudes That Isn’t

October 19, 2015

10-19-15

In All the Nudes That Isn’t–

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Playboy will no longer feature nudes in the magazine.
Generations of boys will now grow up not knowing what a naked lady does not look like.

Now just Hugh Hefner’s geriatric sex column. The Playboy Devicer.
After the news sales of National Geographic spiked.

First Democratic debate is Big Nurse versus Irascible Codger.
Didn’t quite Feel the Bern, but there was some redness and inflammation.
The fact that Bernie Sander’s wife obviously shops at World Bazaar may have hurt his cause.
Bernie Sanders sweetened the pot with free college and dental–going to get caps all around and go back to school.
The other guys on stage did not leave a name.
One–I believe it was George Webb–was a military man who said that would make him a good Commander in Chief. A military man as Commander in Chief is how we got Idi Amin.
Think the guy from Rhode Island just kind of wandered onstage, waving all those Rhode Island electoral votes.
Empty podium for Joe Biden. Or maybe it was for Elijah on Passover.
How dare the Dems talk about nothing but issues? What was this, a debate?

The new Chevy Volt electric gets 53 miles on one charge, which will get you to Hartford, WI, assuming you’re here, but leave you 1,673 miles short of Mexico City.

The Elk have returned to Chernobyl and feel so good about it they’re just glowing.

With remnants of 10,000 lakes, Mars is what Minnesota will look like in 100 million years.
Apple owes the University of Wisconsin $862,000,000 for using “Jump Around” at their earnings reports.

Apple’s Siri can be hacked and made to say “Look it up your own damn self.”

Global warming sea-rise projections show Brooklyn will be the new Atlantis–all the hipsters will sink in those wool coats. Just silly hats floating where Williamsburg used to be.

In Saudi Arabia, 74 year old Brit gets 350 lashes for having wine, 50 each for body, aroma, hints of, bouquet of, audacity, earthiness and finish.

NASA may have discovered an alien civilization around a strange star . . . the sun!

Oscar Pistorius will get house arrest soon as the bathroom is fixed.

A New York restaurant ends tipping so diners will be forced to draw smiley faces on their own checks.
How about keep tipping, end the cost of a meal?

Sitting for long periods of time does not make death more imminent–unless it’s been several days.
Definitely give a poke after a week.

New VW North America chief quits after 2 weeks, citing fumes.

Dinosaurs were warm blooded one minute, cold the next.
That’s why brontosaurus always wore something around her shoulders.

Here in Wisconsin, the Chippewa will be able to hunt deer at night, but not from cars while blindfolded.
The Chippewa were heavy contributors to the failed presidential bid of Scott Walker.

Scott Walker is a million dollars in debt after his failed presidential bid, but the money will be siphoned out of the University of Wisconsin trust fund.

Scott Walker says he will not run again for president as Scott Walker.

That’s All the News That Isn’t

Bill of Rights v2.0

October 14, 2015

Bill of Rights v2.0

1. Congress shall make no law abridging the Freedom of Guns.
2. The right of the people to Keep, Bear and Use at Will Guns shall not be infringed.
3. Guns shall be taken to mean any such controlled explosive projectile devices now or in the future, including those of Enormous Killing Power currently inconceivable.
4. The Right of the People to secure their Guns and Munitions against unreasonable searches and seizures shall not be violated upon pain of Protected Return Fire.
5. No person acting within Rights enumerated here shall be held to answer for a capital or otherwise infamous crime committed by Guns, whether in War, Peace or Domestic Life, let alone be tried for it twice.
6. In all criminal prosecutions involving Guns, the accused shall be considered acting in Self Defense enjoying the protection of the above and following amendments, unless proven otherwise.
7. In suits at Common Law, where the value of the Guns in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury of Gun Owning Peers shall be preserved.
8. In Gun cases brought to trial despite these protections, bail shall not be required, fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
9. The enumeration in the Constitution of certain inalienable Rights to Guns shall not be construed to deny or disparage other implied Rights of Weaponry of all sorts retained by the People.
10. The limited powers not specifically delegated to the United States by the Constitution are reserved to the People and their Common Good Sense.images