Archive for July 2015
Picks a fight with John McCain and kicks Lindsey Grahams butt–Big Bad Don!
Do kinda wonder why Trump had Lindsey Graham’s number.
Agreement with Iran clears way for Trump Tehran Towers.
President Obama’s visit to relatives in Kenya his most daring foreign policy adventure yet.
After hackers take control of a moving Jeep, sales of Plymouth Valiants skyrocket, with Dodge Darts not far behind.
Only thing with a chip on the Valiant is the clock stopped at 4:35 July 12, 1972.
U.S. House of Unrepresentatives passes the Unsafe and Inaccurate Food Labeling Act, which allows labels which read Food/Non-Food. And Kosher for Passover, so thanks for that.
Senate Foreign Relations Committee pulls crutches out from under John Kerry and beats him with them.
Lilliputians then swarm over and stake him to the Capitol floor. Not easy staking marble.
NASA finds most earthlike planet so far–Kepler 45-2b or 45-not2b. That’s the question.
Hope it’s not too earthlike–this we don’t need again.
How about Planet of the Puppies? How cute would that be?
Didn’t see that Hulk Hogan racist thing coming.
Now we only have Dog, Bounty Hunter to believe in. Maybe one of the Duck Masters.
The only one of the GOP hopeless–sorry, hopefuls–into Cuba recognition is Mike Huckabee, who has his eyes on a ’57 Bel Air, albeit with 4 different fenders and a Massey Ferguson engine, but, still.
Harper Lee’s first draft of “Go, Set a Watchman” was the story of a Jewish family, “So, a Watchman I Should Go Set, Now?”
Garrison Keillor retires to Denmark with former exchange student.
Nicki Minaj says Taylor Swift’s booty is laughable on “Shake it off.”
More like flick it off.
Lowest ratings among party faithful ever make for a self-hating Republican Party.
Drones with guns specifically protected under the 2nd Amendment: “The right of the people to keep and bear drones with guns shall not be infringed.”
Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin said he was referring to his own children as “idiot inner-city kids.”
Does make you think perhaps there should be some requirements for the Senate other than being 30 and fabulously stupid.
McDonalds all-day Egg McMuffins fall short of Wall St expectations.
Free range Chicken McNuggets might work but then you gotta catch ’em.
No, ma, Bill Cosby, not Bing Crosby.
Ferguson, Missouri hires Cleavon Little as figurehead sheriff.
Following Cuba recognition Trump Guantanamo all but a done deal.
With 16 candidates for ’16 Republican debates will go to a musical chairs format.
Governor President Walker orders National Guard to arm themselves in case he has to take the nomination by force.
That’s All the News That Isn’t
Kinda sad when the only thing you’re qualified for is running for president.
To counter the Iran deal Republicans will enrich their own uranium.
With the agreement Iran will be able to pursue the peaceful use of nuclear weapons.
Hard to beat a sword into a plowshare.
Suppose you could plow with swords.
Still looking for the gerbil-like El Chapo in Mexico.
Authorities say there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
But that’s it.
And what a tunnel, and with the cost-saving for a guy named Shorty.
To the people of Mexico El Chapo is what The Donald is to us.
Iran’s conservatives may enter the GOP race.
Trump pulls ahead of Hispanic-lite Jeb Bush just to make a point.
New Horizons-not the tampon, the Pluto flyby craft–will just keep on going into space forever.
20 more conscious years to dwell on nothing but the glory days.
Tiger Woods is in his Ali-fight-a-kick boxer days.
Duggars cancelled–19 residuals and counting.
Rapture unexpectedly pulls Scott Walker out of Republican race.
Looks like Scott wins big time.
Mel Gibson to platy Attica Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird 2.
Danny Glover will play Tom Robinson.
Merriam Webster adds the phrase “Greek Exit” to the lexicon.
Pluto nice but location, location, location.
Medicare’s biggest problem still being mistaken for Mediocre.
Boy Scout leaders say several of Scott Walker’s troop leaders were, in fact, gay.
More than one patch was.
Americans divided over same-sex and regular sex marriage both.
So I guess it’s marriage that’s divisive.
Stipulated in the Iran deal is that Iran will now refer to the US as “the not-so-great Satan.”
American officials will cease and desist with all ‘haggling with rug dealers’ references.
A new degree of difficulty arises: like trying to find 50 million year old worm sperm in Antarctica.
A lot tougher than flying past Pluto and taking pictures.
Klan doing a Confederate flag retrospective at the South Carolina capitol.
Bush-Walker ticket unlikely since sounds too much like bushwhacker.
Restaurant food no healthier than fast food but a much quicker in and out.
That’s All the News That Isn’t
This just in, Donald Trump has broken the shackles he was held in at NBC, is now climbing Trump Tower with Rachel Maddow is his giant paw.
Pope Francis clarifies his remarks by saying that fettered capitalism does not in the least reek of “the dung of the devil.”
Jeb Bush says his brother Neil, the only Bush to ever hold a job, needs to work longer hours.
Jeb raises an unprecedented 114 million dollar war chest just to show Neil what working harder can do.
Ariana Grande takes a flying lick at a rolling doughnut.
Grande says she does not hate America she hates the band America (Horse With No Name).
Very emotional ceremony at the lowering of the Greek flag.
Settlement has been reached in Greece; the new exchange rate is 1 euro = 1,000 gyros.
Comedy is easy, Drachma is hard.
Sometimes seems like the Greeks are their own worse Trojans.
Donald Trump has been waiting for a drink on the beach at Trump Ocean Resort in Baja Mexico for 45 days now.
Had the same sheets since April.
United is flying again although you wouldn’t know it.
South Carolina goes back to the pirate flag.
Bernie Sanders may not get the nomination, but he has his pick of any number of older women. And a couple of very needy younger one’s as well.
NASA flyby reveals Pluto is, indeed, orange and shaped like a dog.
Black antenna tail. Big toothy grin. Long but expressive Ears.
Darn near impossible to find a Subway sandwich or a Puddin’ Pop for love nor money.
By the way, that was not a Bill Cosby statue removed from Disneyland, that was Bill Cosby.
Milwaukee votes shows Milwaukeeans decisively reject $500,000 for new Bucks home in favor of power-washing the Bradley Center.
4 guys making a living wage for 2 weeks, industrial power washers, miscellaneous soap, hoses, tarps, permits, etc, $20,000.
For a savings of $499,980,000.
South Carolina draws the line at Dixie Cups.
Pitch Perfect 3 will be a Tuvan Throat Singing competition in Mongolia.
Fat Amy says “Gonna eat him like a cheesecake.”
Ted Cruz’s book “A Time for Truth” removed from best seller lists when it was discovered he bought them all.
Had to–his people don’t read.
In Wisconsin, an open records request reveals that Walker, Texas Ranger is not Scott’s dad. Walker says “I may have misspoke-en.”
Wisconsin Legislature voted worst deliberative body since Spanish Inquisition.
Scott Walker rises Phoenix-like from the ashes and straight into the fire of the Presidential race.
Now I Get It
It occurs to me, in fact, every Saturday for the past 30 years, that some of the references moistening my dry humor might not be shared by those not in my demographic or what’s left of it. Not everyone has Buffalo Bob and Peppi Mint embedded in their primitive forebrains, along with the way Bob leeeered (no typo) at her. For many a lad their first taste of oh my my occurred on Howdy Doody, and that, kids, was what time it was. “Plunk your magic twanger, Froggy!” didn’t help either. By 8 you knew what a magic twanger was–today it’s probably 4. While many youth of old wanted to put the romper on Romper Room’s Miss Nancy she remained blissfully unaware, and nothing of that nature ever turned up in Do Bee or Don’t Bee.
So, any reference to Buffalo Bob, Froggy, magic twanger or Miss Nancy will be lost on those not damaged by them those many years ago. Yet, all these characters, every TV show and movie, every date in 9th grade American history, all events of importance going on locally and in the world, everything we’ve read or even skimmed become our references for life, ad vitam aeternam and ad nauseam. We spend our lifetimes collecting things that stuck out at the time: “out, out brief candle!”; “take up our battle with the foe!”; IGY; crib memories of Dick Nixon holding up a cloth coat and a puppy; all things November 22, 1963; one small step for a mankind (wait . . .); shoe x-ray machines at Tom’s Shoe Store; breaking (nickel) popsicles on the corner of the brick law office on Center St., Ann Margaret at her height (or whatever); a searchable database of the complete lyrics of the Beatles, Dylan, Stones and, for some reason, Glenn Campbell; locker numbers–37-7-17 and 16-35-1–for just two; a goodly chunk of your Bar Mitzvah maftir you can still sing; the lineup and starting rotation of the 1957 World Champion Milwaukee Braves, etc, etc, etc, as the King of Siam used to say.
Shackled with all these unusable references, what to do? You could write the definitive Reference Book of Me, where those who wanted to take the trouble could leaf through and, so, learn that kemosabe,* as used by Tonto in the Lone Ranger to appease the masked man did not mean “trusted friend” but “silver bullet kind of gay” in Ojibwe. But no one uses reference books anymore, so the only option is to footnote each archaic usage immediately upon citation–or don’t cite them at all! Footnoting off the top of your head in real time takes a little getting used to, but I think it can be done if you truly feel some of these rough diamonds deserve at least one more generation of usage. Just to get the ball rolling, I’ll start things off by footnoting the very tippy tip-tip of the iceberg of a few recent obscure references I’ve made:
A serviceable Amazing Grace, but President Obama did not exactly trance-channel Paul Robeson*.
–*Paul Robeson, 20th century actor and singer who blended athletics, artistry and humanitarianism into an inspiring legacy.
In Dodge City they’ve finished the new Wyatt Earp* Brave Courageous and Wet Water Park.
–*Wyatt Earp, legendary sheriff of Dodge City; the theme song of the Wyatt Earp TV show called him “brave, courageous and bold.”
Still have the Taft bathtub* in the White House basement, so I wouldn’t rule Chris Christie out.
–*William Howard Taft was 27th President of the United States, and a large man requiring a custom bathtub in the White House; Chris Christie is fat.
Google agrees to European Union ‘right to be forgotten’ after suit brought by a Heinrich Himmler*.
–Heinrich Himmler, currently burning in Hell, was Reichsführer of the Schutzstaffel in Nazi Germany.
EU Greek aid comes in huge wooden horse.*
–Trojan Horse, of course, of course**
–**To paraphrase Mr. Ed, gelding Bamboo Harvester to his friends, a talking horse on CBS, 1961-66.
Ben says the Afflecks leased, they did not own*.
–*Ben Affleck asked the PBS show “Finding Your Roots” not to mention the Afflecks who had slaves.
Putin bribed Sepp Blatter with a Super Bowl ring*.
–*Robert Kraft of the Patriots says Putin stole his Super Bowl ring after shaking hands with him in 1975. Sepp Blatter, soon to be an obscure reference, is head of FIFA.
The only Supreme Leader* I recognize is Diana Ross*.
–*Ali Khomeini is Supreme Leader of Iran; Diana Ross Supreme Leader of the Supremes.
Ted Cruz is the guy in the fallout shelter game* who never gets saved.
–*Not the current number one game app, but the thought-provoking values excercise where there are 6 people who can be saved from nuclear apocalypse in a fallout shelter that can only hold 4, with implications for the future of mankind.
FAA approves Amazon flying-monkey delivery*.
–*C’mon, Wizard of Oz. Flying monkeys, man.
Ben Carson, MD: Man, Woman, Birth, Death, Stupidity*.
–*Slight variation of Dr. Zorba opening of Ben Casey, MD TV show (1961-66). Zorbals final word was Infinity.
The CPAC conference adjourns for round of flamingo croquet with hedgehogs*.
–*How it works in Wonderland.
Reexamination of Warren Commission photographs shows little Bill O’Reilly was on the grassy knoll in Dallas that day in November*.
–*How 13 year old Bill O’Reilly got the inside scoop for “Killing Kennedy.”
Dennis Rodman dressed as Marilyn Monroe sings Happy Birthday, Mr. President to Kim Jong Un*.
–*The upside of being JFK was having Marilyn Monroe sing Happy Birthday to you; there is no upside to being Dennis Rodman or Kim Jong Un.
VW recalls 150,000 cars making an achtung* noise.
–*Hitler supposedly designed the VW bug, way low on the list of his grievous offenses.
Now confirmed that was Richard III in the English car park because he was buried under a two door*.
–*Two door, Tudor, thought I had something there.
Pope given a CD by a singing nun with her version of “Like the Virgin”*.
–*Alternative name to Madonna’s first big hit.
Gas prices drop any more Chico and the Man* will come back.
–*Chico and The Man, 55 cent gas, 1974.
Paul Revere’s 1795 time capsule found to contain a coupon for Revere Ware*.
–*I just refurbished my revered Revere Ware so, for me, a contemporary reference.
Charles Manson’s comeback going a lot better than Bill Cosby’s*.
–*If this is not self-explanatory I retract rather than explain.
Long-term marijuana use linked to abnormalities in far-out region of the brain*.
–*Back in the day we also had uptight, out of sight, groovy and wasted regions of the brain.
Jihadists are reaching ISIS lines via Carnival Cruise Ships: If they could see me now!*
–*By no means implies that Kathie Lee Gifford is a Jihadist or ISIS sympathizer.
Derek Jeter leaves Yankees without disease named after him*.
–*I mean, I’m glad there is no Derek Jeter’s Disease.
Crest with microbeads has been shown to be an effective decay-preventing dentifrice when used in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care*.
–*There’s no longer a subliminal fluoride message to memorize on the back of the tube three times a day, every day of your childhood, but, there are microbeads!
Obama ISIS strategy: send in South Vietnamese regulars*.
–*Kind of weak, since they’re in their 80’s now and living in Florida.
In Scotland the Royal and Ancient Golf Club votes to accept Royal and Ancient Women*.
–*Believe me, you’re an ancient golf-playing woman in Scotland, this is a breakthrough.
If you don’t want your photos hijacked from the Cloud, stash all Polaroids under your undies, second drawer from top.*
–*This is just folk wisdom.