Archive for April 2015

Ich bin ein Milwaukeean!

April 20, 2015





dad porch

There are those who say jaywalking cannot be curbed.
Let them come to Milwaukee!
There are those who would have us believe that lawn care cannot be a way of life.
Let them come to Milwaukee!
There are those who do not know the difference between a bubbler and a water fountain, and God knows where they’ve been soaking their feet—let them come to Milwaukee!
Yes, my friends, I am proud to say,
“Ich bin ein Milwaukeean!”

THE AUTHOR, pandering to Milwaukeeans
They say you can’t go home again. You can, but you discover they’ve put green siding on it. I’m not kidding; our old house looks like a record-breaking avocado. When I think all of the times I risked a heart attack watching Dad go up on that three-story ladder to paint it tan. The cement-block retaining wall he built—The Great Wall of Dave Feldman—looks like Joshua’s been there. That was a great wall, too—you could crouch behind it and rain snowballs (plague-like) on Uptown Motors across the alley with near-complete impunity. The object was to see if you could startle the salesmen into dropping their feet off their desks and run¬ning out into -the lot long enough for you to slip in and grab the keys to a sharp-looking Hudson fastback. We never got that far, but a guy could dream.
The alley’s even in disrepair, if an alley can be in disrepair. I don’t know, I’ve never seen a new one. That alley was the world to me—playground, escape route, toboggan slide. With proper icing, you could sled all the way from Fifty-eight Street to Ruth’s Sweet Shop on Fifty-first, knocking Rabbi Twerski off his feet on Fifty-third if you cut it too close to sunset. But if you got past Twerski, it was a round of wax lips for everybody.
I didn’t knock on the door. I was afraid we still lived there and I’d be back in the damn bedroom with Arthur, my Moriarty, trying to sleep in the beds Dad built in without benefit of box springs. I used to pool up at night like a blob of mercury. Arthur in those days was some kind of nematode, a night creature that came up from the basement (where, generally, he had been converting my bike into a golf cart, or failing in an attempt to make my six-transistor radio into a two-transistor radio) to bed only in the wee hours, flipping on the light and whistling while he filed between his toes with his sweat sock. The upside was that my bad dreams, by comparison, didn’t seem so bad. There were actually worse accommodations in the house: Howard slept in the sun-room, which was on Highway 41. An amazing number of cattle moved past our house. We felt like the only Jews on the Santa Fe trail.

Mother was the only one who liked the house. With all those strings of lights over the used-car lots, she didn’t have to put on the kitchen light. And it was convenient; in winter, Barger’s bakery was only a black-and-blue fall and swollen knee down the alley which, unfortunately, we had iced that day for a new try at the record: all the way down to Sherman Park at Forty-third Street. (Never, to my knowledge, been done, although Mom came the closest.)

———–photo David A. Feldman. He made the porch, too.

Supreme Leader Diana Ross and All the News That Isn’t

April 13, 2015


It is believed White House computers were hacked by the Chinese because a half hour later you feel like being hacked again.
That and the Emojis popping up in classified documents.

A butterfly flaps its wings in the Amazon and Ron Paul declares for the presidency.

Jeb Bush dice se convertio al hispano por Columba.

On the upside, Californians don’t drink the water.
And Hollywood can make rain.
When California falls into the sea they’ll have all the water they need.

Bovine Growth Hormone found in some mother’s milk. The FDA says know the breast and you should be OK.

Brontosaurus is back, but longer and with fins.

NASA says we’re on the verge of finding an earthlike planet with non-earthlike people.

State of Wisconsin Departments are forbidden to use the phrase “climate change” but may say “don’t like the weather, wait a day.”

Breakthrough Apple Watch puts 20 panic buttons on your wrist then measures your heart rate.

NFL hires its first female office, so there’ll be no need to review her calls.

For the last brick in his legislative edifice Governor President Walker OK’s liquor samples at stores so that every Badger may know what something other than Korbel’s tastes like.
Fear is that at 1/3 of a shot per sample per store it could cause a rash on near-drunk driving.

Hillary Clinton announces her candidacy on a deleted email.

Turns out being overweight cuts dementia risk, so try to remember to stuff yourself.

Iran agrees to peaceful use of nuclear weapons.
Centrifuges will be used to weave carpets.
Kind of worry about negotiating with the place where the word “haggling” comes from.
The only Supreme Leader I recognize is Diana Ross.

Organic molecules discovered in a distant star system twice as expensive as processed molecules.

5 Reasons You Should Buy the Apple Watch:
1. You own Apple stock.
2. That suicide scar on your wrist.
3. You never wear a watch but this is different
4. Muggers won’t take it, and
5. The available Rolex app.

President Governor Walker off on a field trip to 3 pretty cool countries, Spain, France and Germany.
Walker has spent the past few weeks boning up on how to say “Have to punt on that one” in 3 languages:
Tengo que despejar que uno.
Ich muss das man auf Punt, and
Je ai de botte de degagement sur celui-la.

Ce est toutes les nouvelles qui ne est pasindex