Archive for March 2015

No Anabaptists Served and All the News That Isn’t

March 30, 2015


Ted Cruz signs up for Obamacare because he’s a mass of preexisting conditions.

Cruz is the guy in the fallout shelter game who never gets saved.
What–he’s going to reproduce with Katy Perry to repopulate the earth? Don’t think so.

Harry Reid will not run again in 2016 which not only frees up the office but the name for an aspiring porn star.

A momentary lull in Obama bashing after George Zimmerman blames him for everything.

Indiana passes the Religious Freedom Act which means a Baptist doesn’t have to serve an Anabaptist.

Utah humane firing squad gives the guy a 50 yard head start.

Nine-foot upright walking crocodile vies for most justifiable evolutionary dead-end with bus-sized salamander having toilet seat head.
A lot of evolutionary dead-ends until what you see before you.

King Richard III re-buried beneath a Leicester car park.

Paul McCartney and Metallica will deadline Lollapalooza. Make that headline.

Land’s End recalls flammable PJ’s as a hazard for kids who smoke in bed.

Ultrasounds show that mothers smoking give fetuses something to do with their hands.

Yemen 51st state solution proposed–come in right after Wyoming.
Kids, Sana’a is the state capital of Yemen.

Mother’s milk now so valuable not unusual to run across a nursing banker.

Israeli PM Netanyahu proposes a two-faced solution in the middle east.

Very close to April Madness. That’s when low productivity at work can’t be explained.

FAA approves Amazon flying-monkey delivery.

Dolce & Gabbana decide to put off having a family.

Chicago Bear’s GM says it’s a good idea to add a quarterback every year, which means in the year 2525 (if Bears are still alive) the Bears will have 514 quarterbacks. One’s gotta work.

After Wisconsin drops to 40th in job growth, Scott Walker to run for President of the Bottom 10.

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Hillary Snail Mail and All the News That Isn’t

March 9, 2015


Congress sings Edelweiss on Homeland Security.
Guard my homeland for more than 3 weeks.

Supreme Court rules Obamacare only applies to Obama.
And the deductible puts it out of reach for him.

Republicans readying Republicare–just fine tuning how warm is staying warm and how many fluids is plenty.

Ancient Mars was 47% red 47% blue and 6% undecided.

McDonalds will stop using antibiotics on its chickens, so be sure to check for rashes on you McNuggets.
Ronald McDonald will continue to be dosed with antibiotics.
And kids stay out of the ball pit.

Netanyahu catapults to top of GOP hopefuls.
His speech to congress wasn’t bad until he got to the Israel Bonds.

Growing belief that Ben Carson is played by Herman Cain.
Ben Carson, MD–man, woman, birth, death, stupidity.
Could say wasn’t brain surgery if he wasn’t a brain surgeon.
Good news: it’s operable; bad news: it’s Ben Carson.

Pretty much impossible to stop Harrison Ford from doing his own stunts.
Indiana Jones was actually a documentary.

The artist who painted Bill Clinton for the National Gallery says the shadow next to him is a lamp hurtling towards his head.

Speaking of Hillary–a billion email addresses stolen and not one is Hillary Clinton’s.
She has so many email addresses that anything from her goes right to spam.
Hillary’s emails will be released just as soon as Bill’s snapchats are pulled out.
Apparently all the references to the Bengnazi committee have disappeared.
Really much ado about nothing: all of Hillary’s important stuff went snail mail.

Keystone pipeline vetoed so advocates must continue to smuggle in sludge in their cuffs.

Just takes a world-wide study of average penis size and I sleep like a baby.
Unless these are, like, minimums.
Penis size is the square of the distance between it and eye level, divided by your weight.

Ringling Brothers is dropping elephants for a line of Chihuahuas standing paw-to-tush of the one ahead . . .

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A-Rod Note and All the News That Isn’t

March 2, 2015


CPAC convention over–had to get the Furry costumes back.

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker told the crowd he is prepared to take away collective bargaining rights from ISIS.

Walker got a tumultuous welcome usually reserved for what at first appears to be a police officer who then begins stripping.

Ted Cruz proved how conservative he is by shutting down all bodily functions in an airless bell jar while filibustering for very nearly the entire session.

The conference adjourned after taking a recreational break for croquet with flamingo mallets.

Following his handwritten note to fans apologizing for his behavior, A-Rod began working on a backlog of thank you notes going back to his confirmation.
Have to hustle to be done by opening day.
Doubters said his note was obviously penned by a female, but A-Rod has always dotted his “i’s” with hearts, except for a brief period as a waitress where he used smiley faces.

Apple hints the Apple Watch will be able to open the 7th Seal of the Apocalypse.
So that’s a must have.

Republicans offer to replace Homeland Security with Home Security featuring Spypoint Camo-Cam Trail Cameras and cutouts of Navy Seals.

Madonna goes down at the British Music Awards when her thong gets caught in her walker.
Given a good thong lashing.
Madonna is getting a little long in the thong.

A much-needed victory for President Obama as Washington DC makes marijuana legal.

Showing new sense of defiance to Keystone pipeline advocates (and, possibly, while high) President Obama inserts himself physically into the pipeline in Ontario making it as far as North Dakota where he is siphoned off.

Reexamination of Warren Commission photographs shows that Bill O’Reilly was not on the grassy knoll in Dallas that day in November.

The Rams, Raiders, Chargers, Packers, Browns, Bears, Seahawks, Patriots, Cowboys, Steelers, 49ers, Ravens, Panthers, Lions, Colts and Vikings sign up to play in the proposed NFL-quality stadium in Inglewood, CA, subject to working out the scheduling.

Judge reinstates Adrian Peterson, wife takes wait and see approach.

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