Archive for January 2015

Tales From the Crypt and All the News That Isn’t

January 26, 2015


The State of the Disunion–bad sign when the only applause the President gets is for not running again.
Although “Won both of them” not a bad riposte.
Could have been worse–President Obama skipped over all the golf metaphors: dog-leg to the right, no time for the yips, etc.
Rich paying taxes good punch line.
The Republican response blamed Deflategate on Obama.

Hillary has a double-digit lead over everybody for 2016, or it just may be double-vision from that nasty fall she took.
As long as she stays out of those black frames it’s hers to lose. Which, she’s proved before, she can do.

Joe Biden making noises like Joe Biden.
Tough running against a woman who–put a powdered wig on her–is a ringer for the Father of our Country.
Plugs and a nice set of choppers may not do it for Joe.
People write off Joe Biden but George W proved that a gaffe-a-minute guy can be President of the United States.

Republican rogues gallery filling up–for the debates be using the Tales From the Crypt set.
Big surprise–Romney doesn’t get it.
Missing in action Herman Cain, lovable rogue, and Michele Bachmann, not so much.
Rick Sanitorium.
So far not a squeak out of Paulie Ryan–probably going over the numbers.
Takes him a while–C+ in math at Janesville Parker.

Ayn Rand Paul no Ron Paul, that’s for sure.
Newt got all limbs cut off last time, but this is the first time none grew back.
Mike Huckabee–trailer’s still a-rockin’ so don’t come a-knockin’. That Beyonce coming through the screen?
Rick Perry, still wearing the glassless frames, still to no effect.
Marco Rubio, who’s only asset is that kids very nearly shout-out his name at pool parties.
Chris Christie–only support so far from Bon Jovi’s cousin.

Wisconsin’s Scott Walker is trying to look presidential by taking his first foreign trip ever to the UP.
Walker threw down the foreign policy gauntlet saying Hillary “left parts of the world messed-up.”
Didn’t say which or how, but it’s a start.
Walker will be undertaking a trade-mission to Israel, trying to sell Wisconsin-made Seder plates to the Israelis.
I say, “Molotov!”

The Keystone pipeline debate loses some steam as plummeting oil prices leave oil sludge the same price as ordinary sludge.

Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson is suing President Obama, saying he was hurt by Obamacare because now everybody at the plastics plant thinks health insurance is a God-given right.

Governor President Walker says no casino in Kenosha because some of his best friends are Potawatomies.

House Speaker John Boehner says he’s had it with being tea-bagged by the Tea party.

Oil price plunge forces Halliburton to let Dick Cheney go.

Playing down the whole dynasty thing, Jeb BBehind-the-Screams-Shockumentary-tales-from-the-crypt-19261597-720-540ush now tells people he’s related to the Bush’s Beans people.

That’s All the News That Isn’t

Tina Cancels NY Times and All the News That Isn’t

January 19, 2015


Packers play excellent half of football.

Bartender tries to poison Speaker John Boehner’s beer–fortunately, his crying into it diluted it.

Mike Huckabee slams the Obamas for letting their daughters listen to Beyonce instead of his cover of Brown Sugar.

Oil has dropped so low they’re pumping in back into the ground.
The dinosaurs died for nothing!
Makes for some hard choices, though–2 dollars on a gallon of gas or 2 dollars on High Hopes to win in the third.

Now everybody wants to fly to Cuba to pick up a ’57 Bel-Air despite the 4 different colored fenders and John Deere motor.
My brother Clayton, who went to Cuba in 1955 with the Civil Air Patrol, is going back to see if the dancer at the Tropicana is still there.

This will be an odd State of the Union with everybody on one side of the aisle.
And the Republicans sitting with their backs to the President.
Congressman Randy Weber plans to interrupt the President Obama’s speech with Sieg Heils.

Measles outbreak at Disneyland despite the protective four-fingered gloves.

This year’s flu vaccine only protects against the one you get from kissing a pig.

President Obama did not go to Paris because–with all the heads of state there–tee times were all but impossible to get.

The alligator living for 40 years in a San Fernando backyard had been grandgatored in.

Princeton researchers create a laser the size of a grain of rice then lose it in Chinese take-out.

Ohio State’s Cardale Jones not entering the NFL draft in the hope he’ll move up to second string next season.

The official state book of Mississippi will be either the Bible or anything by John Gresham.

A declining Kobe Bryant has already made his reservations for a trip to Pyongyang, North Korea.

Not a single Lego nominated for an Oscar–so much for diversity!

To a smattering of applause Scott Walker tells country club crowd he’s anxious to be the new what-everybody-hates-about-Washington.

On a personal note, my Tina the Puggle has died, leaving me with an existential crisis, since I told her every morning I had to go to work to earn her dog biscuits. Now what’s my motivation?
Cancelled the New York Times because without Tina I don’t need the bags anymore.
Thinking of getting a rescue dog, although I still don’t get whether you rescue them or they rescue you. If it’s the latter, I’m in! Love you, Tina!

That’s All the News That Isn’t tina paws (2)

St Norbert’s Cheerleaders and All the News That Isn’t

January 13, 2015


Since Aaron Rodgers passed for 316 yards and 3 touchdowns on one leg the league has adjusted his numbers to 632 yards and 6 td’s for two.
The real question for Packers-Cowboys Ice Bowl 2 was how the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders would hold up under frigid frozen turf conditions compared to the St. Norbert’s girls, covered from head to toe and then some. In the end, nothing got through the St. Norbert’s girls defense.

President Obama blamed for quarter million job gain in December. Mostly golf course attendants and caddies.

President offers free 2 year community college tuition–they’re calling it Obamacollege, although officially it’s The Affordable Herzing Act.

Challenged Speaker John Boehner offered fall-back position as House Chaplain where no one will ever call him “squishy.” He’s not really squishy, he just grew up over a tavern where he learned to cry in his beer at an early age.

The upside of plummeting price of oil are the Rolexes and Mercedes at Saudi yard sales going for peanuts.

New Sony Walkman goes on sale for $1120, which, in 1970 dollars, is far out, man! The cassettes must be a hundred bucks each.

Competition for Space-X as Car-X attempts to put a Geo Metro in orbit.

Colorado “Good to Know” campaign reminds folks to eat it all quick before crossing 385 into Kansas. There’s a rest stop at Burlington for your convenience, and cots and munchies if you need to stay a couple of days.

North Korea has warned theaters not to show the Game of Thrones movie due to the arch villain Kim Jong Joffrey. They’re just upset because of how small Kim looks on IMAX.

Jameis in draftis. Could go firstis.

New wristband tracking device the Felon is the first tracking device that you’re not married to.

More habitable planets found but so far no hobbitable planets.

Fossils on Mars found to just be ancient condoms.

1795 time capsule found in Boston contains Paul Revere’s mileage for the midnight ride. Gotta say it’s padded–it was just a couple of furlongs and he wants 10 shillings?

Rhesus monkey taught to recognize themselves in a mirror cannot be torn away from it, or from signing ‘does this make my rump look too red’?

Looking for whoever squeezed out a 6 foot boa constrictor in a San Diego men’s room toilet–no charges, they just want to meet the guy.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker shows he’s serious about a Presidential bid by hiring ace political consultant Wile E Coyote.

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