Archive for December 2014

2014: 12 Months 12 Jokes

December 23, 2014

2014: 12 Months 12 Jokes
January: In North Korea, Dennis Rodman dressed as Marilyn Monroe sings Happy Birthday Mr. President to Kim Jong Un.
February: Judge rules Kentucky has to honor same-sex shotgun weddings.
March: Girl Scouts sever ties with Mattel over Barbie’s impossible body type, even though, in scouting, we don’t know the meaning of impossible.
April: Supreme Court goes with Powerball limits on campaign contributions.
May: Lady Gaga’s performance in the UAE will be adjusted to local norms–she’ll perform as usual, but the audience will be blinded.
June: Norwegian bachelor farmers darn close to smiling when Wisconsin’s ban on same-sex marriages is overturned .
July: Good jobs report blamed on Obama.
August: VW recalls 150,000 cars making an achtung noise.
September: What we take away from the Pistorius trial is always ask “Honey, are you in there?” before shooting up the bathroom.
October: 40,000 year-old cave painting deemed derivative.
November: After the Republican sweep Ted Nugent edges closer to Kennedy Center honors, and
December: Now confirmed that was Richard III in the English car park because he was buried under a two door.today-girlscout-barbie-140721_blocks_desktop_large

Ugly Hanukkah Sweater and All the Holiday News That Isn’t 2014

December 18, 2014

All the Holiday News That Isn’t

 

-Hottest Christmas toy this season for boys anything Minecraft, for girls anything they say it is.

-Starting a new tradition, President Obama will pardon the Christmas ham.

-Those of you spending Christmas in Japan, remember Christmas Cake means sponge cake, but also may mean any unmarried woman over 25.

-Denmark claims sovereignty over the North Pole, but assures children everywhere Santa Claus will be grandfathered in.

-Duggar Family Christmas cards–well, at 14 x 48 foot, billboards, really–have been sent out, but gotten so pricey the list has been cut way down.

-Your neighbor’s Christmas lights are visible from space. Upside is any alien invasion goes next door.

-This year hot holiday clothing means the Ugly Chanukah Sweater, featuring a menorah that runs from wrist to wrist when you hold your arms out.

-Gloria and George ‘Buddy’ Witherow of Symrna, Tennessee, have 50 themed Christmas trees in their ranch house, including the Bob Hope Tree of Golf, a Noah’s Ark tree with 2 of every kind of ornament, and the deck the boughs with Elvis jumpsuits tree.

-Psychologists say that people with blow-up Christmas lawn ornaments are an entirely different type.

-A star in the East this Yuletide means gas has dropped below 2 dollars a gallon, and,

-Governor Scott Walker makes up for his ‘molotov’ gaffe by lighting the giant Magilla in the Wisconsin State Capitol . . .

 

That’s All the Holiday News That Isn’t–Season’s Greetings to You and Yours!ugly-hanukkah-sweater2

Molotov! and All the News That Isn’t

December 15, 2014

12-15-14

After a disastrous first start for the Browns it’s now Jiminy Football Cricket.
LeBron gets a little too cavalier with Kate Middleton.
Taking this King James thing a little too seriously—doesn’t give him any special privileges with a future queen.

Will may not have the right stuff for the throne if he pretends to examine a jersey while Kate is getting elbowed under the boards.

Congress, like the rest of us, chooses paying its bills over suicide.

Court orders Texas to reveal where it gets its execution drugs—if it urns out to be CVS it kind of negates the whole cigarettes thing.

Pope Francis says dogs can go to heaven but not without stopping every three feet to stick their noses in something that’s not going to make it there.
St. Bernards, I assume, will have priority boarding. Have to lose the brandy.

The Pope was given a CD by a singing nun with her version of “Like a Virgin” on it.
But, shouldn’t it have been “Like The Virgin”?

Facebook will feature a dislike Zuckerberg button.
Thinking about a ‘meh’ button for when you don’t like or dislike.

Gas prices drop any more leisure suits will come back.

Consumer sediment piles up to 8 year high.

Paul Revere’s 1795 time capsule found to contain a coupon for Revereware.

Scientists have found a way to convert your bad white fat to good brown fat if you don’t mind being lightly sautéed.

The full text of Governor Rick Perry’s ‘Running for President’s not an IQ test’ reads ‘Luckily, running for President’s not an IQ test.’

Cubs acquire another pitcher to regift.

Poor sperm quality attributed to bad technique.

Lake sediment on Mars shows what Minnesota will look like in a few years.

Torture bad enough but CIA forced terror suspects to sing along with Barney’s ‘I love you, you love me.’

The Darwin Report finds a surprisingly low 90% of all idiotic acts resulting in unnecessary death are performed by men.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker wishes Jewish supporters ‘Molotov!’ during the Chanukah season—
Mr. Governor, Molotov to you and yours as well!

Governor Walker made up for his gaffe by lighting the giant magilla in the state capitol—and I mean the whole magilla!
That’s All the News That Isn’tcocktail-party-590x442

Clam Engraving World’s Oldest Profession and All the News That Isn’t

December 8, 2014

12-8-14

North Korea denies hacking Sony Pictures, but Annie now stars Kim Jong Un as Daddy Warbucks.
Sony made the mistake of storing all its passwords in a folder marked ‘password,’ instead of a secured folder coded ‘asswordpay.’

100 brains missing from the University of Texas. A conservative estimate.
So far no missing brain reports.
Collected because brains still a novelty in Texas.

17 states band together to sue President Obama. That would be a confederacy, no?
Does mark the first time Wisconsin has joined the confederacy.
Well, the President shouldn’t have said ‘so sue me!’
Any litigants not suing the President are asked to clear the docket.

Duggar family reproduction close to critical mass; geneticists fear imminent Duggar DNA Big Bang.

Confirmed that was Richard III in the English car park because he was buried under a two door.

Cyber Monday was good but Hacker Tuesday was through the roof!

Only 349 shopping days til Black Friday.

So far Ray Rice has only been offered an elevator job at the Baltimore Hilton.
That’s counter-intuitive.

NASA Orion-Nowhere-Near-Mars Mission goes nowhere near Mars.
Thought it was the Onion Mars Mission because it sounds like it.

President Obama’s interest in police body cams a little icky.
Like he wants to see all those clips of Dunkin Donuts waitresses.

Had Ashton Carter not accepted the Defensive Department nomination the only remaining candidate to head the pentagon was Cap’n Crunch.

France recognizes the Palestinian state but still holds back on England.

LeBron may be too cavalier for Cleveland.

An engraved half-million year-old mollusk makes clam engraving the world’s oldest profession.

North Koreans ordered to remove ‘Jong Un’ from their names, and all Kims will be shot on sight.
Plus, anyone over 5 foot 3 will be lowered a foot.

Johnny Manziel taking night classes in accountancy.

Alabama anti-discrimination bill called the Tim Cook You Gotta Problem With That Bill.

This just in–the 100 brains stolen in Texas have been found at the Everything a Brain Store.

The House’s very first piece of legislation ends benefits for Nazis, many of whom had been grand-Nazi’d in.
Redundant, anyway, since Nazis are covered under Homeowners.

Mediterranean Diet could be the key to longer life if you go easy on the Albania.

Turns out ‘cease-fire’ means something entirely different in Russian.

Here in Wisconsin, despite believing in Right to Work, Governor Scott Walker has no plans to get a job.

That’s All the News That Isn’tclamshell-500x334