Archive for November 2014

If I Could Keep Exercise in a Bottle and All The News That Isn’t

November 24, 2014

11-24-14

That time of year again–torn between celebrating Grey Thursday, Black Friday and Cyber Monday.
Oh, and there’s another holiday in there, too, Thanksgiving.
That’s when the Pilgrims thanked the Indians for working on Thursday so they could get a head start on Christmas shopping.

Deer gun season is on in Wisconsin for folks who’d rather spend Grey Thursday and Black Friday in deer camp knowing they can be home for Cyber Monday.
Finally get to use all that deer urine been saving up all year.
You get deer urine by holding your gun on a buck for a half hour before shooting.

On the immigration front, Republicans are suing to deport Barack Obama.
Quite a few Cruzes on the deportation list–if I were Ted Cruz I’d just let it go.

Speaker Boehner says that President Obama has poisoned the well they threw him in.
Republicans plan to shut down the government until every man, woman and child willing to work is thrown out of the country for making the rest of us look bad.
A little shortsighted–what are the Republicans going to do with no one to do their landscaping?

The Weather Channel’s winter storm Al Roker pummels the east coast.
Buffalo is now a frozen Pompeii with people captured under 6 feet of snow in the act of shoveling and digging out their cars.

Adrian Peterson has been suspended for the season for some quality time with the kids.
Peterson will keep busy coaching Pop Warner.
Just my luck though–in Fantasy League I had Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice and Jay Cutler.

Asked about the 54 year difference between him and his new bride, Charles Manson says “if she dies, she dies.”

New hydrogen powered fuel cell cars have only one drawback: they have to be refueled at science fairs.

Messing with the Hulk’s wife could be the tipping point in the Cosby case.
Charles Manson’s comeback going a lot better than Bill Cosby’s.

Colorado charters its first bank for the marijuana industry, First Weed Savings & Toke.

Paul Ryan to chair the House No-Way By No-Means Committee.

They can’t keep Exercise in a Bottle on the shelf!

GPS can find dark matter in space but not where highway 26 shoots off of 151.

Sludge shows no sign of moving in the Keystone pipeline.
Hence the name sludge.

Federal judge to hear Pledge of Allegiance suit to replace “under God” with “under whatever.”

Bottom falls out from Pudding Pops stock.

England puts into service the first Poo Bus, powered by passenger generated methane gas. So, no go–no go.
Fortunately, the Poo Bus runs between Bristol and Bath, because they’re gonna need one.

Wisconsin’s Scott Walker under the mistaken impression he was elected President.
President Obama has been wondering who belongs to the folding chair behind his desk in the Oval Office.
If he doesn’t get the nomination, Walker is prepared to jump the fence and make a run for it.

That’s All the News That Isn’t stock-photo-40578552-exercise-in-a-bottle

A Prayer of Thanksgiving

November 19, 2014

Go resignedly to the folks’ remembering it’s just for a few hours. Though you must make appearances At her side as well as your own, eat with as much relish as you can muster, for this, too, shall pass. Choose carefully your words, gingerly stepping around your cousin Leah’s latest fiasco with the Arthur Murray instructor, and ask not about Marlene.
Let on not that you have heard these stories before and utter them not aloud simultaneously nor anticipate the punch lines. Chew with vigor and bite thy tongue, for the bird hath been cooked since Tuesday, yet praise it tenderly for it never heard a compliment in life. Be sage about the dressing though you know not the origin of the little hard things; should you bite into a wedding band, return it with discretion. Though it resemble syrup, pour not the Manishewitz on the sherbet.

  Avoid your Uncle Lou; he is vexatious to the spirit. Kick not your little brother under the table, but show the forbearance of the season and pound him later. Picture Naomi and the kids as alien life forms, and learn from them. Shout not at Gram, for she heareth what she chooseth. Though you take on much wine, sing not the Barber of Seville nor show undue attention to your niece, who has become quite the young lady. If belch though must, let it not herald the start of a contest. Mince no words over the pie which passeth all understanding.
Above all, say nothing on the ride home, even though the temptation to cite what might have happened but didn’t be great. For that give silent thanks, resolving to firm up those plans for Aruba over Christmas.
Amenapture

Poor Little Philae and All the News That Isn’t

November 17, 2014

11-17-14

Putin putting a shawl over Chinese President Xi’s wife was maybe a good move, but putting a shawl over Obama was going too far.
That convoy of Russian tanks going into Ukraine? Carrying shawls for soldiers shoulders. That Sister Susie sewed.

Hard not to identify with little comet lander Philae–
Travel 40 million miles, get one shot at it and your harpoon doesn’t fire.
Probably psychological after being ejected by Rosetta.
Hit the target, bounce a mile up in the air and land in a ditch.
Sounds all too familiar.
Barely enough energy left for one drill.
Why land on a comet when it’s the same as staying here?

China agrees to blow all emissions into Russia in retribution for Putin messing with Xi’s wife.
Chinese emissions–half hour later you feel like emitting again.
On the other side of the globe–you know half their emissions will be nocturnal.

In the Brave New Republican World, the red tide will change the EPA to the ERA– Environmental Rejection Agency–and not only build the Keystone sludge pipeline but let it empty into the Mississippi, greatly reducing transportation costs.
Obamacare will be amended to exclude all pre-existing, existing, and pretty likely to exist conditions.

Mormon Church admits it was originally the Church of Latter Day Wives.
They say that founder Joseph Smith had up to 40 monogamous wives.
By now, even the youngest would be 214.

In fairness, the Mormons were the new Israelites, and King David had a pyramid scheme of wives. The Ten Commandments said don’t covet neighbors’ wives, nothing about collecting them.
Well, it’s a thin line between monogamy and monotony.
I had 2 wives, myself, but sequentially. Could’ve saved a lot of time.

First house in Hawaii has been incinerated by lava, and, it he’s anything like me, the guy forgot to pay the lava insurance. Better check–it’s not covered in homeowner’s.

Taken this long for Kim Kardashian to get it all back in again. That’s why they oiled it.
Kim Kardashian’s rear end sure puts things in perspective.
Now we know what happened to Kris Humphries–he’s still in that thing.
Kanye better watch his step–slippery.
Lot like landing on a comet.

Long term marijuana use linked to abnormalities in the far-out region of the brain.
People who still call it grass should be allowed to buy it at True Value.

In the US, Ebola’s better but my Republican’s inflamed.
On the net neutrality front, Ted Cruz says let them eat dial-up!

The Russian ruble has plunged so far Putin was hoping Madame Xi would tip when he helped her with her wrap.

Post Office snail mail has been hacked by a Shopper Stopper denial of service attack–that’s where the Shopper Stoppers don’t stop.

Taking the Kardashian dare, Taylor Swift is greasing up.

Cake boss Buddy Valastro arrested for driving while frosted.

More turkeys planning to travel this Thanksgiving. At least those that already aren’t frozen in their tracks.

Republicans deport the President’s turkey before he could pardon it.

Arkansas governor Mike Beebe pardons his son on a drug conviction–but you’re still grounded, mister!

Here in Wisconsin, with control of both houses freeing up the legislative process, Governor Scott Walker decides to take the capitol condo . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .B2VUCpOCAAENyMs.jpg thumb

Ted Nugent Kennedy Center Honors and All the News That Isn’t

November 10, 2014

11-10-14

First snow big enough to get a Weather Channel name but did A have to be Armageddon?

Still haven’t told Joe Biden the election results.
Or that the exploratory committee won’t be necessary.

President Obama hosts Congressional leaders in the post-election Hunger Games on the South Lawn.
Michelle will be handling the bow and arrow.

Some good news for the Dems–contributions are now considered charitable.

Mitch McConnell lockjawed into Cheshire Cat smile.
Or maybe it’s the Four Roses smiling.
His ladies-head-for-the-exits smile.

Meanwhile, Speaker John Boehner is OK after choking on his own spittle.
Bad winner.
Young bucks will be putting him out to stud.
If it’s not too late.

Always gracious in victory Republicans lining up to kick the fallen Obama.
House floor starting to look like Ferguson, MO.

Republican rapture leaves Scott Brown behind.
Looking for another vacant state.

A-Rod gave his cousin a million bucks and he still wouldn’t sfu.

Lone grey wolf sighted roaming the north rim of the Grand Canyon, or it might be Barack Obama.

In an interview with Brian Williams Mark Zuckerberg reveals that when he goes to reunions he says he invented Post-Its.

New birth policy in China–with 2 you get egg roll.

Latvia’s foreign minister says he’s gay as the Tim Cook domino effect topples on.
Some rumblings from Lithuania, Estonia and Wyoming.

Ray Rice should take the dumbwaiter.

Everybody and my brother now says they killed Bin Laden.
Room that crowded lucky they got off the shot.

Dallas fans ask “Romo oh Romo wherefore art thou?”

We’ll see what the Justices have under their robes when same sex marriage is thrown in the Supreme Court’s lap.
Pass on Clarence.

Bats can not only jam signals of rival bats they can throttle their bandwidth.

Jihadists are reaching ISIS lines on Carnival Cruise Ships.
If they could see me now!

After the Republican sweep Ted Nugent edges closer to Kennedy Center honors.

Pot approval in DC coinciding with mid-terms no coincidence.
The President’s not smoking cigarettes behind the White House Guard Post.
And neither is the Secret Service.

For his next Chicago high wire challenge Nick Wallenda will attempt to walk over a Bears game.
Why not–everybody else walks over the Bears.
Who knew the Bears were Democrats?
In fairness, Canadian football has gotten a lot tougher.

New ride service out there called Jack–you get to pick the car.

Ten year study which found work dulls the brain took so long because researchers lost interest in it totally.

With the Federal court ruling 4 states out of same-sex marriage, couples may want to plan their honeymoon trips through contiguous states.

President Obama sends secret letter to Iran’s Supreme Leader asking how he does it.

Here in Wisconsin, losing gubernatorial candidate Mary Burke back at the Guangdong Trek office.

The Scott Walker recall got underway Wednesday morning.

Woodcock season ends–get one?

That’s All the News That Isn’tted-nugent

Feldmans Chanukah Letter

November 5, 2014

Annual Feldmans Chanukah Letter November 5, 2014

Oy, what a year! If it wasn’t one thing, it was one other. The girls, knock on wood, are doing great. Ellie graduated mid year (she couldn’t wait until spring–so hard it is to stall for another semester?) from the UW, with honors, if I might add, although in something called Human Ecology. I get Human & I get Ecology, what I don’t get is Human Ecology. What, a landscape littered with humans? With this you can make a living? Human Ecologist Wanted I have yet to see in the help wanteds. But she’s very bright, not to brag, and very hard-working and she’ll find something even if it doesn’t involve humans or ecoscapes. With her personality and brains, and my money, she can’t miss.
Nora, the younger one, is finishing up her second year, already, can you believe, also at the UW. This one, as well on the honor roll, just saying, in Communication Arts, which would seem to cover just about everything, including, I shouldn’t wonder, Human Ecology or at least that part which is communicated. Most recently she messaged she is getting her “digital arts certificate” which has got to be a good thing in the digital arts age. With the writing and the film, also, this one, a screenplay, loosely based on our family in which the father was an endearing & humorous character, and the mother referred to with the b word, and I don’t mean b’nai b’rith. What can I say, you can’t stop the creative ones from depicting life as they see it.
Speaking of the better half, the highlight of my wife’s year I would say was jury duty, perfect for a classic adjudicator. If there were such a thing as judge & jury duty they could call her for that full time. At work now, in the physical therapy department, they have to wear tee’s with their names on the pockets and she says she feels more like a crew chief than a health care professional. The upside is that she no longer faces the constant sartorial challenges with only the black slacks and Marshall’s tops to worry about. Not sure if they let her wear the crocs still.
As for me, when this doesn’t hurt, that does, and vice versa. Still waiting for one thing to get better and, you know me, always the optimist, I think it could be 2015 or 16. Really wondering what it will be. Not the eyes I don’t think. Still hear my mother’s voice, asking are you still working, and, yes, mom, I am, and still getting the feeling she doesn’t believe me. A spotty work history I had for many years, granted, and mom not considering driving cab or radio a real job, and I’m beginning to think she was right. Probably I should have had something to fall back on, eggs and baskets, as mom used to say, but, on the other hand, she used to say one back scratches the other.
Well, looking back it actually has been a much better year than I remember it being while in progress, and I am very grateful for that, and for the love and friendship of friends and family and forbearance of others.
Many boruchas and gizunts to you all for the coming year from all of us,

Love,

The Feldmans hqdefault

Little Nora Turns 21

November 3, 2014

Here is the Whad’ya Know broadcast from November of 1993 to prove it, even if the bouncer at the Kollege Klub won’t accept it–

Happy 21 Dear Nora! from your ever-lovin’ Dad