Archive for September 2014

Gumby iPhone 6 and All the News That Isn’t

September 29, 2014


Million dollar marijuana crop discovered in Madison–we’re burning it as fast as we can.

India Mars orbiter beats Chinese, traveling at 25 mph, to Red Planet.

NASA Mars Rover drills into Mt. Sharp–Koch brothers have mineral rights to anything it finds.

Those of you gathering at Venice Beach for the George Clooney wedding, it’s the other one in Italy.
Quite the affair–can’t find a gondola for love nor money.

The British will not send in troops against ISIS according to spokesman Neville Chamberlain.

Obama Attorney General Eric Holder leaving the job. The Al Sharpton nomination may be hard to confirm.
Carlton from Fresh Prince wants to replace Holder, but they don’t look all that much alike.

Water on earth turns out to be older than the Sun, which means for a million years we didn’t know where all that dampness was coming from.

Paleontologists say dinosaurs had wings for 150 million years before they knew what they were for. Just swatted mosquitoes the size of geese with ’em for the longest time.
Never, in their wildest dreams, did dinosaurs think they would become chickens. Yet, they always tasted like chicken, which should have been a big red flag.

Derek Jeter leaves Yankees without disease named after him.
The Yankees are now expected to disband.
Kind of wish I would’ve followed his career before the end of it.

Climate Change March in New York added an estimated trillion tons of CO2 to the atmosphere from a million exhalers.
Changed Central Park into a reptile garden.

Cadillac secedes from General Motors making the minister’s Buick top of the line.
Watch for the new Springsteen release “Pink Buick” from the reissued “Buick Ranch” album.

My 3D printed car is in the 3D printed shop.

Kris and Bruce are breaking up, it’s official. Kris Koslowski and Bruce Bernstein–nice guys, wish them the best.

Is your iPhone 6 bending or are you happy to see me?
Gumby has one and he loves it!

Windows 9 coming out–that’s n-e-i-n.

FBI director a little hurt not included anymore in Friends and Family carrier plans.

People who spend long hours at work are more likely to develop medical disorders, but are more likely to be covered for them. So, it’s a trade off.

Multitasking found to shrink several lobes of the brain simultaneously.
Many multitaskers can drive, text and fill out accident reports simultaneously.

I’m a semi-tasker myself.

In Paris, a very short prankster arrested after walking several blocks under Kim Kardashian’s rear end. Well, il pleur.

North Korean leader feeling Kim Jong Unwell.

Wisconsin Republicans upset they can’t vote with their country club cards.

That new fence at the White House? Menards! Secret Service saved big money!

Like to remind those celebrating Oktoberfest it is September. And, anyway, October is spelled with a ‘c’ not a ‘k’.

This fall’s Milwaukee Brewers Cruise leaves port unexpectedly early–destination unknown.

That’s All the News That Isn’t gmbyg

Voter ID and Me

September 25, 2014

I’m not clear on why I have to prove who I am in order to vote at St. James school, where I’ve shown up at the same gym and bake sale (have to say the brownies are a long way from the homemade ones of the ’80’s ) for over 25 years now. Given the number of losing candidates I’ve backed in this time, I’m a little surprised my picture isn’t on the wall of fame downstairs–then I wouldn’t need an ID. The other day Daniele Watts, the actress from Django Unchained, was stopped by an LA cop thinking she was a prostitute, and Ms. Watts refused to produce an ID, even her Screen Actors Guild card, merely because she “had done nothing wrong.” When you think of it, Americans have long been spared the “your papers!” demand from eastern European authorities endemic to 40’s movies, back when someone asking for your papers was shorthand for being in a totalitarian state, even if one on a Hollywood back lot.
Perhaps the mere fact that the poll worker working the A-F’s is a neighbor who goes right to my name while asking when they’re going to be finished with my porch should not be enough to allow me to waste my vote on yet another long shot, but, heck, why should familiarity only breed contempt? Back in Bush the Elder I remember producing an MG&E bill in my name at the address where I purported to live, and getting waved right in. Now, someone rifling through my garbage could have produced the very same, if soiled, bill and voted in my place at St James, but not only would he not have gotten past (let’s call her) Sarah, but his not stopping at the bake sale table and examining each and every brownie would have been a huge red flag.
It’s too easy to see irony in the fact that the only case of voter fraud in Wisconsin cited by the Supreme Court in the voter ID discussion was the guy in Milwaukee who voted 13 times for Scott Walker, who, due to temporary amnesia, could not even remember the absentee ballots or voting as his own and his girlfriend’s son. Terrible thing, temporary amnesia, especially in soap operas, but rather than inspiring a War on Temporary Amnesia, we, who had done nothing wrong, had to get state issued ID’s so we could know who we were even when we temporarily didn’t. Everyone, even (in fact, especially) those of us who had never voted for Scott Walker even once.
Renegade that I am, I’m thinking of bringing in my MG&E bill in November, as much for a joke as a protest, but poll watchers now can get close enough to see the outstanding balance, so I don’t know. Tell you one thing, though–this time I’m buying my brownies first.IMAG0464

Pabst Red Ribbon and All the News That Isn’t

September 22, 2014


Old Milwaukee bought by Russians, to be rebranded as Old Petropavlosk-Kamchatsky.

Then there’s Pabst Red Ribbon.

Milwaukee Brewers one game away from Triple A.

White House intruder turns out to be Marian Robinson, President Obama’s mother-in-law.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell new host of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Knew he’d land on his feet.

Chinese schmatta site Alibaba IPO makes 40 thieves billionaires.

Man drops iPhone not news–iPhone drops man is news.

Joe Biden’s Jewish lawyer explains Joe’s ‘shylock’ crack–meant to say shamrock.

Sugar Bear Mama June Bye-Bye Honey Boo-Boo Boo-Hoo.
Hard to lose a reality show at that age.

During all the tumult, Wales secedes from UK without anybody noticing.

There are plastic microbeads in Crest toothpaste because microbeads have been shown to be an effective decay-preventing dentifrice when used in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care.

Anybody else with “swim to North Korea” on their bucket list?

Obama ISIS strategy: send in South Vietnamese regulars. Been spoiling for a fight.

Jameis Winston offensive player of the week.

My genius grant turned out to be ironic.

If Trump can come back to Atlantic City there’s hope for Nucky on Boardwalk Empire.

Millions of Americans having their U2 removed.
You know, Bono should forget this Apple business and go back to Cher.

Rihanna too physical for NFL.

Urban Outfitters says bloodstained Kent State sweatshirt belonged to their former marketing guy.

In Scotland, 55% take the high road, 45% take the low road.
Pro-independence Glasgow to seek Vatican City Status.

Too bad, I was anxious to see if Scotland would join NATO or the Warsaw Pact.

Rosetta spacecraft mistakenly lands on hemorrhoid instead of asteroid.
Easy mistake to make.

Adrian Peterson’s suspension gives him more time for the kids.

Other news from Scotland–the Royal and Ancient Golf Club votes to accept Royal and Ancient Women.
Must have to play through a lot at the Royal and Ancient Golf Club.

Diapergate for Wisconsin’s Scott Walker who claimed an alleged tax cut of $322 would buy 2700 diapers. Used maybe.
For the record, $322, if you had it (and you don’t) would buy 894 diapers at Sam’s Club, bulk.
And diaper users vote.

Want to vote in Wisconsin this November you’ll need a Voter ID and cheek swab or stool sample, the choice is yours . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t index

5 Ways to Avoid Dying Before Your Time

September 18, 2014

5 Ways to Avoid Dying Before Your Time


1. Don’t wear a watch
2. Whistle well past the graveyard
3. Make plans for that day
4. Moisturize to avoid Spontaneous Human Combustion
5. Buy minutes from Justin Timberlake





Endless Pasta and All the News That Isn’t

September 15, 2014


In Milwaukee, President Obama says “In heaven there is no beer . . .”
Very nearly his Ich bin ein Berliner moment.

Massive increase in carbon dioxide has people holding their breath.
Then you’ve got to try to choke off your methane.

Russia annexes Scotland averting a UK constitutional crisis.
I say Scottish independence now before Mel Gibson can make another movie.

Home depot data breached with everyday objects you can buy at Home Depot.

That’s Prince William in the throne room again with the morning sickness.
All babies are royal babies.

In the ISIS Crisis–
Trying to round up a posse, President Obama ends up in a remake of High Noon.
Probably not the guy you want to send to round up a posse–could lead to a Blazing Saddles situation.
The President says it will be a long effort eliminating ISIS, running well into the second Jenna Bush administration.
I did look it up and “a sustained effort to rout militants” is war.

Former New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin gets 10 years in a FEMA trailer.

Panera bans guns after man stirs up his strawberry parfait with a .38.

Now they want to keep our guns out of Krogers! When I pack At Krogers–and I don’t mean groceries–they take me 15 items more or less.

Due to health problems Rob Ford will not run again for mayor–or–
The Tumor That Saved Toronto.

What we take away from the Pistorius trial is always ask “honey, are you in there?” before shooting up the bathroom.

The Apple iWatch: the most annoying thing on your wrist since whatsername.

iPhone6 somewhat of a disappointment when the much anticipated iColonoscopy app is a no-show.
Apple’s Tim Cook calls it “epic.” In fairness, he calls his BM’s epic.

Olive Garden never ending pasta pass is the Magna Carta of fast food sit down.
No longer a recurring nightmare like the horrific Bottomless Salad.

Drug companies will take back unwanted drugs–now how about taking back the unwanted symptoms?

Airlines now allow you to listen to your Walkman if you put it in airplane mode.

Comrade Edward Snowden says the NSA has nude pictures of us all. Which means Snowden has nude pictures of us all. Which means Putin has nude pictures of us all. Which means, finally, Putin has nude pictures of Palin.

If you want your pictures in the Cloud throw them from the Bridge.
Otherwise, stash your Polaroids under the undies, second drawer from top.

Putin did not say he would take Kiev he said he would take Chicken Kiev.

New Israeli subdivision El Rancho Gaza fails to attract buyers.

Consumer Sediment reaches new depth.

Turning point on President Obama’s ISIS policy was not being able to get a tee time on Labor Day. Hey, they don’t control tee times in Martha’s Vineyard, yet.

New phone scam going around–if someone calls claiming to be your conscience and tells you withdraw $10,000 for yourself, hang up! Even if the voice sounds familiar.

UW Madison is 13th among Best Public Colleges–using Big 10 accounting we’re in the Top Ten!
Princeton again comes in number one school in the Princeton Review of Colleges. Had it been Badger Review, results may have been different.

That’s All the News That Isn’t pasta