Archive for June 2014

Springtime for Hitler and All the News That Isn’t

June 30, 2014

Supreme Court says your bf/gf needs a warrant to look through your phone. Unless they do it without thinking. Or mistake it for their phone. Or if they were just cleaning your screen.

Orders for capital goods rise; unfortunately, mostly for capital punishment.
Btw, they’re getting the lethal drugs from the Rite-Aid I’d like to know.

Mercedes launches its first hydrogen car, the Hindenburg. Probably seen the “oh, the humanity” commercials.

Diane Sawyer leaving the evening news to devote more time to busy work.
Meanwhile, only Whoopi left standing after The View bloodbath, but she surely filled her Poise.

Lebron opts out of Heat contract will return to St. Vincent-St. Mary’s HS in Akron.
Although Archbishop Hoban and Walsh Jesuit really wanted him.

NBA draft went pretty much as expected–you can be the greatest college prospect in history, you’ll still end up in Cleveland or Milwaukee.

Jabari Parker happy with the Bucks–he always hoped to work for a New York investment firm.

Hillary on the fence between the Presidency and The View.

Hillary supposedly told friends that President Obama was incompetent and feckless. But, come on, friends?

Luis Suarez not grinding has teeth over suspension.
It was pretty toothless.
And here’s me thinking it’s just another aspect of soccer I don’t get.
Like why big, strong men should hit the turf like little baby girls.
Good news is that Hannibal Lector doesn’t play futbol.

USA has good loss against Germany. Like good cholesterol.

People from Indiana can now marry people from Utah.

Space-Time ripples can occur if you don’t shake out your event horizon.

Scientists still shaking their heads over how Neanderthals could pass fossilized poop.

2 million for Bob Dylan’s Like a Rolling Stone All the Way to the Bank.

Supreme Court rules President may not make recess appointments and must stay on boy’s side of playground.
Court also rules a woman’s Hobby Lobby not her own.

One thing this ISIS band shows is that not all millennials don’t know what to do with themselves.

Under Google’s new right to be forgotten, a search for “Hitler” only turns up “Springtime for.”
Search for “nazi” gets “soup.”

Ikea rises minimum wage to 11 krona. That’s a lot of krona.

After Suarez, copycat biting hits every sport including curling and tournament bridge.

In Iraq, rushing to put up al-Maliki statue so they can pull it down.

Sheboygan man wins million in Powerball, moves to Sheboygan Falls.

In Wisconsin, the John Doe prosecutor says no decision yet whether crimes were committed or it was just Walker being Walker . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t 960__the_producers_blu-ray_X03_

Gas Spewing Black Holes and All the News That Isn’t

June 23, 2014


Vast amounts of water trapped in the earth’s interior, and I know how it feels.
Most of the earth’s mass turns out to be water weight.

After the patent office pulls the Washington Redskins trademark, the dyed pistachio people are all over it.
Washington did propose a new name but the league rejected the Foreskins due to Jewish sensitivities.

Russia moves into Ukraine to collect gas bill.
Ukraine closed the border with Russia locking 30,000 troops in.

Botox makers show no visible reaction to takeover attempts.

President Obama to send 300 to Iraq led by Gerard Butler.

Pope Francis says making recreational drugs legal would be a buzzkill.

US stock futures higher but fail to arrive.

Every time you power on your new Amazon Fire phone it pleasures Jeff Bezos.

Hillary deciding whether to run or seize office.
Perhaps Hillary’s greatest strength is being married to Hillary.

Space station espresso machine reverse engineers urine back to coffee.
Could be the start of a vicious cycle:
Every half hour I have to make coffee.
Got up 3 times in the middle of the night to make coffee.
Can I warm up your coffee?
Whatever you do, don’t ask for a frappe on the space station.

The passenger pigeon will be re-created genetically and used for long-extinct ladies hats.

House Republicans hold Whack-a-Mole leadership session.

Mitt Romney says Hillary is–what do the kids call it?–clueless. Mitt, those kids are 40 years old now.

New arthritis drug grows hair on bald men able to open the bottle.

Texas Governor Rick Perry, for some reason, associates homosexuality with being really, really drunk.

Gun sales down; Americans are either buying fewer guns or learning to be happy with the guns God gave them.

The new electric Harley Hog so quiet had to clothespin playing cards to the rims so you could hear it coming.

Latest edition of the college dictionary the Merriam-Yoopers.

Those of you with super-massive black holes ejecting super-heated gas, the gas company will get to you as quickly as they can–the backlog is cosmic.

If the campaign finance allegations against President Scott Walker are true he could be impeached. Fortunately, after he abolished congress, very little chance of that.

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . . Supermassive-black-hole-eclipsed-by-rare-stream-of-fast-moving-gas

3000 Year Old Pants and All the News That Isn’t

June 9, 2014


3,000 year old pair of pants found in China, but the belt is still missing so can’t wear ‘em.
Former Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino sues the NFL for concussions, says the contusions are on him.
Clippers owner Donald Sterling rakes in 16,000% return on sale of the Clippers—I should be so senile.
Course, the wife gets 8,000%.
Sterling said he doesn’t want his tombstone to say “Here lies a mental incompetent and a racist.” Not at 20 bucks a letter.
In the Bowe Bergdahl case, biggest unanswered question still his dad’s beard.
The economy has recovered all jobs lost in the 2008 crash except yours. “Sorry,” says the economy.
Research finds that babies exposed to dirt are hard to keep clean.
Cynicism may hurt your brain health? DOUBTFUL!!
Oklahoma repeals Federal Education Standards, will instead recruit Chinese students to raise scores.
Uber valued at 18 billion dollars—now try and get a ride.
Smokers do not experience hearing loss they’re just tired of hearing about it.
Botanists say that plants have sex by promising one another a rose garden.
No free donuts on Dunkin’ Donuts National Donut Day leads to police riot in Boston.
King Juan Carlos of Spain abdicates because he just doesn’t feel it anymore.
We all feel like abdicating some days, but then your eldest moves back home and you think maybe they’re not ready for the throne.
They’re all abdicating these days except for Queen Elizabeth, due to Charles.
Chocolate magnate Willie Wonka sworn in as President of Ukraine. The Russians will now invade to find the Golden Ticket.
Neurotic robots act more human but tend to lock Keir Dullea out of the spacecraft when having a bad day.
CIA joins Twitter, follows everybody.
Covering all bases, Lego launches female scientist and male homemaker/caregiver minifigure lines.
Apple runs out of large cats for OS, turns to national parks with Yosemite. Hopefully, the next one will not be Grand Tetons.
Wisconsin’s tavern to grocery ratio number one, while the tavern to church even higher.
Norwegian bachelor farmers darn close to smiling as Wisconsin’s ban on same sex marriages is overturned . . .


That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .