Archive for May 2014

Tara Alert

May 21, 2014

Tara Alert

Want to go viral? Be a cat video. All it takes is a cat that can play paddy cake or tetherball, or at least do a convincing omg! expression. Shouldn’t be hard to find if a million-plus hits is worth the looking. Someday, if ever being re-tweeted or copied and pasted infinitely can make you money, you could even be rich. But for now hold that RT–the video of Tara the Tabby transformed into Tara the Attack Cat who saves four year-old boy from dog (who will only be remembered as light brown) has not only gone pandemic, it has changed how we perceive (at least virtual) cats: as we speak, jpeg tabbies on skateboards brandishing AK-47s occupy 25% of all bandwidth. Forget net neutrality, we need cat neutrality, and neutering as well. Aside from Tom (of Tom &), who was a mixed bag, we’ve never had a real cat hero. Plenty of mice heroes, but no cats. Pepe le Pew came closest, and he was a skunk. Now, when cat time is measured BT, before Tara, and AT, simply being able to paw an iPad is not going to cut it anymore video-wise. Kittyographers will be hard-pressed to make their Bengals, Burmese and Domestics bound the very high bar that is Tara.
The average cat, seeing his toddler set upon by dogs, will register a number of feelings dependant on dog, boy, when puss last ate or coughed up fur ball–lots of things. Time of day’s a factor, nocturnal works better for most. Day or night, though, most cats in the midst of a domestic dispute would curl up nose to tail atop the refrigerator and leave it at that. After all, this is not walking through cereal bowls or worrying the parakeet. That stuff’s easy. This is Misty taking an interest in something other than Misty. As spiritually advanced creatures, cats instinctively will not intervene in the world outside themselves except for self interest or entertainment. Intervention presupposes a cat moral code, the lack of which long has given felines a huge advantage over canines always told they should know better. It’s a lot to lap up.
This particular incident ended well, at least for the boy and the cat, but the lessons for the rest of Felis catus is fraught with peril: many cats not having or able to bring their A game had best prepare to look adoptable. Overall, the ante has been upped: cats will surely be bred with the Tara gene. Clowders of Tara-cloned attack cats could soon roam city alley and suburban cul de sac alike. Forget The Birds, The Cats is a thousand times scarier. The former Misty may play with you a bit, let you think you can make your getaway, but should you go for it brace yourself for the paw with just enough claw smack down on your tail any second.

Groucho Glass and Nose and All the News That Isn’t

May 19, 2014


Like to think I’d do the same as Tara the attack cat in that situation, but you never know. Might just curl up nose to tail atop the frig.

Now if Tara can save the brown dog from being put down–I’m thinking sainthood. St Tabitha?
Kind of overestimating her if they think she’s able to throw out first pitch at a ballgame, though.
I mean my puggle Tina is a great little infielder but can’t make the throw.

Kim and Kanye to wed at Versailles in a “let them eat whatever” ceremony.

Clay Aiken–determined not to come in second again–has apparently killed his opponent to take the North Carolina house seat.

Jeff Koon’s Popeye sculpture sells for $28.1 million, the .1 going to Olive Oyl.

Red Lobster downsized to Red Crawfish.

From somewhere deep in the Brazilian rain forest comes Snowden journalist Glenn Greenwald’s new book “No Place to Hide.”

Google agrees to EU right to be forgotten after suit is brought by a Heinrich Himmler.

Russia annexes International Space Station, now known as Upper Crimea.

In Palestine, Hamas clears out of Abbas’ occupied house, albeit with Mrs. Abbas numbers 2 and 3.

Lady Gaga’s performance in the UAE will be adjusted to local norms–she’ll perform as usual, but the audience will be blinded.

Bucks sold to NY investors–we’ll see if they care to dabble in Milwaukee.

Karl Rove says Hillary is brain damaged—Karl Rove, aka George W’s brain—knows of what he speaks.
Hillary goanna bitch slap some hair back on that muskmelon head of Karl Rove’s.

Red wine doesn’t make you live longer, it just slows you down so it seems longer.
White wine, meanwhile, only makes you eat cheese.

JD Power, not to be confused with JD Byrider, says airline satisfaction has reached an all-time high low.
Fly the indifferent skies of What Can You Do? airlines.

Senator Marco Rubio says even if there is global warming he likes it Hot! Hot! Hot!

No commitment from speaker John Boehner on immigration–he may leave and he may not.

Something fishy with the fish oil study.

Googleglass, trying to lighten up its image, is partnering with the Groucho Glass and Nose people.
Get Elton John to wear ’em they’re home free.

GM has now recalled more cars than it has sold, so they’re forced to recall Fords and Chryslers as well.

34 year-old Texas woman who posed as a 15 year-old high school sophomore was found out when she had hot flashes at prom.

I’m anxious to hear what ex-Clippers head Donald Sterling has to say about the JayZ-Solange situation.
And Beyonce–what? A diva can’t punch and kick her own guy?

New Godzilla movie out. Hey, if it doesn’t have an 18 inch Godzilla model trashing a table-top Tokyo despite a full-sized Raymond Burr, it ain’t Godzilla.


Monica’s Game of Thongs and All the News That Isn’t

May 12, 2014


Monica Lewinsky comes out with a new book, “Game of Thongs.”

Thanks to so-called health lobbies you can’t find Gatorade with flame retardant for love nor money.

Supreme Court ok’s prayer at town board meetings, inasmuch as prayer is the only thing a town board has.

CEO of Target has identity stolen.

Putin returns to the scene of the Crimea.
Visited the new capital Putinville. To ride the Putinville Trolley.
You enter Putinville through the Arc du Putin—two huge shirtless Putins crossing paddles. For some reason. Well, they had to work quick.
Putin the greatest man to come out of Russia since Yakov Smirnoff.

Wisconsin secessionists nowhere to be found. Disappeared into thin air. Funny thing is no search party.
The Republican Rapture.

For Mother’s Day how about a Benghazi panel? What do you mean she’ll never use it?

Johnny Football to the Cleveland Browns where he will be known as Johnny Dawg Pound.

Mitt Romney says minimum wage should be raised to $1.75.

Unlike Photomat, Snapchat photos do not disappear forever.

After the smartphone kill switch, how about a gun kill switch?

Noah warned to stay out of Chinese territorial waters.
Which, by the way, now extend to Orange County.

Airlines resist showing hidden charges on tickets—tax, airport fees, ok, but recapable tires? Ticketron service charge? Presidential election fund?

Nintendo says there will be no gay life in Tomadochi Life. With those big heads and teeny bodies how much can be going on anyway? They’re pegs!

Ununseptium the latest element only exists for a trillionth of a second so it’s really Unununseptium.

In Wisconsin the John Doe may be over but Scott Walker’s John Dough keeps rolling in.

The Gospel of Jesus’ Wife has been deciphered: “ A carpenter? And the door hanging off the hinges since day one?”
Jesus’ Jewish wife, after all.
Scientists have created a virtual universe that makes something 350 million light years squared fit into a locker at Grand Central Station, to await the return of Tommy Lee Jones . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t



Governor’s Ramp and All the News That Isn’t

May 5, 2014



You know if Oprah buys the LA Clippers, Stedman’s going to want to coach.

Then when Gayle King gets the job he’ll be very hurt.

Be good for Stedman to have something to do.

Stedman told Oprah ‘don’t be bringing any black men around here.’

And you know he was upset: he doesn’t usually speak in the vernacular.

The great thing about the Oprah Clippers: a gift box under every seat.  No gifts on the court, though.

In all the non-Clipper news that isn’t :

Rob Ford does Betty Ford.

Minimum wage boost fails in the Senate because they pay enough for yard work as it is.

Russia tells US to transport astronauts to the international space station ‘with trampoline’ (sic).

Someone’s feeling pretty cocky about themselves. All hammer and sickly.

And for what? Seizing Crimea? Dane County could have seized Crimea. Would’ve added to the tax base.

Meanwhile, teenage mutant Russian separatists take over post office in Dnepropetrovsk—a valued stamp cancellation.

In Ukraine in general, Tea Partski very much on the rise.

I don’t know. They make a great White Russian.

Voter ID ruled really stupid in Wisconsin. Not a single case of someone impersonating a Badger to vote.

Governor Walker and the boys willing to compromise with voter wrist tattoos.

Marrying a very politically progressive gal, George Clooney forced to ethically mine a 7 carat diamond himself.

Donald Sterling banned for life in NBA—so that’s what, 6, 7 years?

Speaking of Israel in case you were, John Kerry says he never said apartheid, he said “a par-TAY!”

Ohio Baptist University shuts down a LGBT-friendly student newspaper after learning the B is not for Baptist.

Moviegoers leaving Spiderman II visibly shaken after seeing Spidey eaten by his mate.

Paul Simon and what’s-her-name-the-if-Garfunkel-were-a-girl-one all good now after domestic dispute,  release “I Got You Babe” video as Sonny and Cher.

At auction, Dylan’s “Like a Rolling Stone” expected to bring $2million, while like a Rolling Rock just 6 bucks.

Move to secede at Wisconsin GOP convention in Milwaukee, although some delegates may think the resolution says “succeed.”

Workaround proposed where GOP faithful leave the state in a Republican Rapture, possibly to the UP.

Rob Ford out of Betty Ford.

Governor and Tonette Walker want the wheelchair ramp removed from the Governor’s Mansion. Too FDR.

Worth noting that Scott Walker, one of the 100 most influential people in the world, can’t get a ramp removed from his house.

Newly sober Zac Efron reveals his name is actually Jack Saffron.  Just slurs to Zac Efron.

Milwaukee Brewers dog Hank brings down the racing Klement Polish sausage and eats his casing before groundskeeper can shoot him. Almost a tragedy at Miller Park.

US consumer spending surges .1% in March. Well, surge. It is a positive number.

Wisconsin Congressman Paulie Ryan movin’ on up to Black Congressional Caucus. The token caucusian.

Rob Ford re-ups Betty Ford.

As a convenience, Wisconsin will raise the maximum political donation from $10,000 to $6.8 million so you won’t have to write 680 $10,000 checks.

And, the Colorado Symphony Orchestra, for its pot-friendly version of the 1812 Overture, will feature giant bongs fired up as bells ring across Denver.  .  .


Wisconsin Governor's Mansion 1_JPG_475x310_q85That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .