Archive for March 2014

Cheese Us

March 27, 2014

Hi, Mike Shorthorn here for the Wisconsin Cheese Congress.

I don’t believe it’s much of an overstatement to say the international cheese wars are heating up to near fondue levels. You may have read that the European Union has nailed an edict to the old barn door declaring that Wisconsin cheesemakers must desist and refrain from using the appellations parmesan, gouda, ardsallagh (hard, soft or smoked) asiago d’allevo or pressato, Bavarian or Bavarian -style Bergkase, any and all cheeses with the word brie or bleu in it, marscapone, even Australian, and nearly 400 others to designate any ripened pressed curd product not made strictly within the named village, shtetl, region, province, Provence and/or Landkreise. This even includes Gorgonzola, it may surprise you to know–apparently there is a place called Gorgonzola nestled somewhere in the EU, although it may, in a more literal sense, refer to a zola from gorgan. It’s Italian, anyway, and no business of the French, and, bien sur, the French are behind this. Cheese purete is not the kind of thing the French are going to leave to Stilton or cașcaval-eaters; no sir, cette fromage has French written all over it. And all so unnecessary: who around here is going to make a nice Pouligny-Saint-Pierre and not just call it what it is: goat cheese–or come up with ripely pungent Reblochon de Savoie and claim it just this morning descended the Alps?

Europeans, in fact, are relative latecomers to cheese making, which, after all , was pictured on 4,000 year-old Egyptian tombs and on 5,000 year-old Yan empire vases. It wasn’t until the Roman Empire, to its credit, made the known world safe for the consumption of ripened pressed curd that Europe even became a player. The appearance of cheese in key roles in both Greek and Nordic mythology makes it clear that no one age nor people possess the cheese birthright. Here in Wisconsin we have been America’s Dairyland at least since the1831 Koshkonong cheese works; by the mid 1840’s New Glarus was awash in Ohio cows and Swiss dairymen–and you know what that leads to. To paraphrase the late great Walter Brennan: no brag, just cheese. We do not rest on our Old World Laurels here, but innovate with a strong sense of tradition. Consequently, it is with a heavy heart that we must respond to the EU’s non-competitive clauses re: dairy products (funny they don’t seem to have a problem with Brussels sprouts and Belgian endive) with our own fair trade restrictions.

Effective immediately, we enjoin all European use or reproduction of Velveeta, Kaukauna Klub Cheese, in crock or out, cheese curds, both fresh and deep fried, brick cheese, whether brick shaped or not, “Swiss” or, in fact, New Glarus Cheese, farmer cheese (particularly when you know the farmer), hoop cheese, Munster cheese (which lacks the ‘e’ of the French valley) Colby (the one near Abbotsford) Cheese (Colby, btw, is what happens when you don’t cheddar Cheddar), Liederkranz, a heads-up version of old world Limburger, Brunost, found wherever you find Norwegians, and you sure do, Cheese Whiz, Easy Cheese, Macaroni and Cheese, and Kraft Singles. Oh, and string cheese which some will claim is mozzarella. Couldn’t be further from the truth; try and peel mozzarella.

The Wisconsin Cheese Congress takes these actions mindfully and with regret, in the hope that soon both sides will come to an understanding that while we all have tremendous pride in heritage, ethnicity and form of governance, we also have a shared heritage in the cheese which should press us together. Once we reaffirm this we can abandon limits and restrictions on all dairy products, processed and -un, globally. Because those of us everywhere in ripened pressed curd product know that, in the final end, we are all one under cheeses.

Merci, grazie, dziękuję, danke, gracias, takk, tak, and thank you. CraigCheeseHead

Cheese Us and All the News That Isn’t

March 17, 2014

string cheese


Crocuses down after early advances.

Milwaukeeans push lawn care season with snow tires on their mowers.

California drought results in Lakers drying up.

Russian nesting dolls line Ukraine border.

In Crimea, 150% vote to join Russia.

Chicago election board signs off on the Crimean vote and it’s a done deal.

Ramses II leads Egyptian vote, some irregularities suspected.

McDonalds says paying a living wage would result in  Little Bitty Mac and a 1/16 Pounder.

European Union forces American cheese makers to call Parmesan “little powdery cheese stuff in a green can.”  And Gouda just OK-a.

Mozzarella we may not mention in public or private.

They want to say string cheese is mozzarella, but, c’mon, did you ever try to peel a mozzarella?

Genetic evidence that Native Americans are Russian in origin prompts Putin to annex South Dakota.

General reaction around here is that if the CIA can find intelligence in Congress more power to them.

Weather Channel officially out of names after Winter Storm Zyxt wallops northeast.

Pretty much has to be the last winter storm unless they go to popular baby names.

Malaysian Airlines search team still missing.

Malaysian officials now believe pilots may have had something to do with flight.

Candy Crush game app valued at $7.6 billion minus the 99 cents it costs.

Always thought Bubble Popper would have the higher valuation.

Juan Pablo.

Newly discovered pygmy Tyrannosaurus thought to be ancestor of modern puggle.

The good news is that at 65, as some of us may now be, it’s ok to eat all the protein and fat you were supposed to avoid for 64 years. The bad news is you didn’t.  Well, who knew we just had to wait?

At this point may as well drink, smoke and do drugs because the demographics are in our favor.

As a bonus you get the promised full and rewarding sex life well into your 70’s we’ve all been waiting for.

Pope Francis enter year two hoping to avoid the sophomore slump.

Once Russia annexes Crimea it will be the USS small r.

Sap not yet flowing in Wisconsin but pails raring to go.

United will stream free movies to Apple iPad users and anyone sitting next to or behind them on the aisle.

Green Bay schools ban e-cigarettes after kids crush ’em out on the gym floor.

After being vomited on during her act she is now known as Lady Gag Gag.

And the Milwaukee Brewers make Hank the Dog Franchise Player to avoid Free Agency . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

All the News That Isn’t

March 10, 2014



Discovery of a 30,000 year old virus explains why colds are so hard to shake.

30,000 year old virus means your cold outlives you by 29,900 and change years.

Your pall bearer will catch your cold.

All out of plow and salt money around here, so letting nature take her course: glaciation.

The New Wisconsin Age. We got kettles, we got drummonds, we got moraines.

Be worth it just to see glacier advance over Illinois.

Cutbacks at the Pentagon mean an Army of Less Than One.

Marines need maybe 2 Good Men, tops.

Facebook is acquiring drones, so you better like ’em.

United tells oversized passengers with oversized bags to stay in their oversized homes.

After all, it’s not Fly the Fatty Skies.

Thanks to the Russian extended stay in Ukraine ruble crashes, is now rubble.

True to his word President Obama makes the Russians pay by withholding our Paralympics athletes. Putin didn’t even blink those steely blue eyes (that George W fell into).

Pope Francis swears like a Holy See faring man.

As far as I’m concerned this Pope can do nothing wrong.

Conservative Political Action Committee Convention–or None Flew over the  Cuckoo’s Nest–ends.

Girl Scouts may sever ties with Mattel over Barbie’s impossible body type, even though, in scouting, we don’t know the word impossible.

There goes the Barbie patch, girls.

Oscar Meyer has a new alarm app that lets you rise to the smell of bacon.

Hey, I want the smell of bacon I lift the sheets.

If Little Oscar’s there, so be it.

Tea Party claims it got screw-to-me from the IRS.

Hey, welcome to the USA, land of screw-to-me. Where ya from?

Sarah Palin, long time no stupid, comes up with a good one: Putin invaded Ukraine because Barrack Obama wears mom jeans.

Love her–her stuff writes itself.

Although, Sarah, the constant Carharts is a little butch.

Contingencies for rising sea levels and major monuments: water wings for Statue of Liberty, giant condom for Big Ben and an antenna with a tennis ball on top for the Eiffel Tower.

Putin now says he’s been asked for some help over here from  Russians in Brighton Beach, NY.

Radio Shack goes under I’ll have nowhere to go for the thing I need you can’t find anywhere else  there place when you get around to needing it. Female RCA plug? Sauropod tooth?

After the missile launch now calling him Kim Jong Putin.

Still, better than Rootin’ Tootin’ Putin.

Minimum Wage increase expected by 1959.

Hopefully, be in 1959 dollars.

End up wearing same thing on Ash Wednesday had on Fat Tuesday.

John Travolta just turned 60 and even messes up his own name.  Like he’s supposed to know some woman who sings in Cartoons?

Travolta may not know what’s her name’s name, but he knows what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in France.

Russell Wilson won’t dance, don’t ask him.

Russell is well aware of the effect Dancing With the Stars had on the career of Donald Driver.

Say, I can’t remember where I stashed my $10 million in old gold coins–anybody seen ’em?

Man suing a casino in Vegas for having lost a half-million dollars at cards while being blackout drunk. But what a great poker face.

Crimea will secede from Ukraine and join into federation with North Colorado.

Guy on the street tried to sell me a picture of Justin Bieber peeing in a cup.

They’re taking the essay off the SAT–now I’ll never get into law school.

For many of us the essay was the only hope on the SAT.

The old ones say that one day we shall reach a temperature where water is liquid.

And a reminder that Daylight Savings begins at bar time Saturday night so be prepared to give your last drink back.

That’s All the News That Isn’t


Seth Rogen Must be High and All the News That Isn’t

March 3, 2014


This close to a land bridge out over the frozen Great Lakes, but then you end up in Michigan.

Experts say the Weather Channel naming storms has prolonged the winter.

If this one’s Titan I’m Uranus.

Winter storm Uranus–staying indoors for that one.

This winter made me glad I didn’t fix that leaky sink. Who knows when I’d get to broken pipes.

Any winter that makes you feel like a hero for getting the paper is not entirely bad.

Arizona’s Jan Brewer couldn’t have surprised me more if she ran off with her sorority sister.

Arizona gay friendly, Texas gay marriage friendly–must be the dawning of The Age of Aquarius.

Phoenix again a possibility for the Republican convention now that it’s Log Cabin Republican friendly.

Now comes the real Russian Winter Games.

It’s taken all this time to get the stains out of the Clinton documents. And Hillary has tried everything.

Get a female CEO at GM, whad’ya get?  Recalls with an apology. Nice little handwritten note on a World Wildlife Federation card “Sorry about your ignition.”

Tea Party 5 years old, and you know how they can be.

Chris Christie’s lane to the Republican nomination closed.

Paula Deen on the March 10 cover of Colored People Magazine.

NASA discovers 4 new planets which might support life, unfortunately, earth not among them.

3 parent in-vitro embryos are a good way of spreading the genetic blame around.

Only 2 senators came to Seth Rogen’s Alzheimer’s presentation–the rest spaced it out entirely. Rented Knocked Up without knowing why.

British spy agency catches millions of Yahoo chat users with their Monty Pythons out.

Latest thing–wash and wearable tech.

I only do wearable low tech–umbrella hats, beer hats, spring shoes, eyeglass suspenders.

Need to kickstart me some wearable tech. There, do I sound now now?

Mormons say believers do not get their own planets in the afterlife, so I guess it’s Episcopalian for me. Because they do.

Europe’s Ryan Air says they will fly to the US for $14, but passengers must be in urns.

Juan Pablo.

Ok, so the Brewers will have Hank the Dog and 6 guys running around the field dressed like sausages?

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .