Archive for February 2014

An Uncertain Age

February 27, 2014

                                 You Are of an Uncertain Age If:

 

 

*You refer to at least one object around the house as a “hoo-hah.”

*You are way past tired of having your every ‘ice box,’ ‘clicker,’ ‘tennis shoe’ and ‘tv dinner’ mocked.

*You never have to wonder where your keys are, they ‘re in the door.

*Your dog is way too important to you.

*You think One Direction is a tampon.

*It sometimes comes out Afro-American.

*You replace every bulb with a 20 year life LED so you’ll never have to change another bulb again.

*This is the first day of what’s left of your life.

*You keep checking your land line.

*Losing 5 pounds is statistically insignificant.

*When you get the senior discount without asking for it it no longer bothers you.

*Your children tell you to grow up.

*You mix up millennials and perennials.

*You are in at least format 4 in music and movies.

*You pray there is no afterlife.

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All the News That Isn’t

February 24, 2014

 

2-24-14

President Obama met the Dalai Lama. Or at least that’s where he told his wife he was going.

Chinese upset because they make a knockoff Dali Lama. Inflatable–have to go right up and squeeze it.

Ted Nugent does not meet the Dalai Lama.

Please no more “rocker Ted Nugent.” Off his rocker Ted Nugent, fine.

Someday he’ll pick his teeth with a loaded squirrel gun and that will be that.

Around here, we’re hoping Ted will come help Scott Walker’s campaign.

In the Art-Historygate scandal, President Obama apologizes for saying Caravaggio’s use of chiaroscuro was gratuitous. Hey, that’s all I got out of 101.

That, and way too many Mary and the Baby’s. Give me a break–supposed to be a Renaissance.

Anyway, the want ads are filled with Art Historians wanted.

Ends up costing the Russians $3,846,153,846 per gold.

USA raked in the bronze which, from a distance, looks very much like gold.

It’s just standing in that #3 spot looking up at some Canuck jumping up and down.

I don’t begrudge Canada–what else do they have? Heated steering wheels, strong beer, lot of opportunity for winter sports.

Cossacks whipping Pussy Riot with horsewhips has been made a permanent event at the Winter Games.

I’m Pussy Riot, I want Cossacks with horsewhips on the video.

Russians know how to deal with rock stars–should hand Ted Nugent over to them.

At the North and South Korea reunion, a lot of families can’t find their uncles.  Auntie doing pretty good though.

New Edward Snowden action figure brandishes a thumb drive.

Snowden was elected rector at the University of Glasgow, but got almost as many votes for rectum.

Seems like a big deal, but the race for Glasgow rector was between Snowden and Woody Allen.

Scientists find that man’s and dog’s brains very nearly identical, but dogs keep theirs a lot cleaner.

Supreme Court finds executive authority pretty much like parental authority. Illusory.

Other scientists conclude that sitting down is a disease, but it’s not the sitting down it’s the getting up.

For many over 60 sitting is a good compromise between standing and falling over. Lot of complications from falling over.

Plan to split California into 6 ungovernable states advances.

Ca-li-for-nia . I only get 4.

Mark Zuckerberg gives another kid in jeans and a hoodie $19 Billion for a makeover.

All for a very white sounding WhatsApp while the African-American app WassSup gets nothing.

Post Office announces Steve Jobs stamp will, ironically, power snail mail.

Brett Favre looks at Johnny Manziel sees young Brett Favre, Johnny Manziel looks at old Brett Favre sees good reason to learn a trade.

Other than Art History.

That’s All the News That Isn’t

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Mars all Wet and All the News That Isn’t

February 17, 2014

2-17-2014

Winter storm General Sherman rolls through Atlanta–but the South will plow again!

Weather Channel needs to think more about naming these storms.

Everybody talks about the Weather Channel but nobody does anything about it.

They make fun of Atlanta but, you know, we’d have the same problem up here with a heavy accumulation of grits.

Then, New York City buried by 2 inches of snow. Barely see the top 102 floors of the Empire State.

But what stories New Yorkers will have about the Dusting of 2014.

At Sochi, unusually warm weather for the Winter Olympics results in a Speedo Trial Event.

The girlfriend of French President Hollande sits at the kid’s table during White House dinner.

Where the kids enjoyed hastily renamed Freedom Fries.

Astronomers suspect flowing water on Mars because every time they look at it they have to pee.

Dumb Starbucks spurs a rash of dumb including Dumb Home Depot, Dumb Vatican City and Dumb Koch Industries.

Some crocodiles can climb trees.

All crocodiles looks like trees.

Therefore,

Some crocodiles climb some crocodiles.

Bob Costas and Wire Fox Terrier are trending.

Ballplayers report to False Spring Training.

A-Rod going to play little exhibition ball in Pyongyang.

After Rand Paul sues Barack Obama he will sue Mrs. Paul’s fish sticks for trademark infringement.

Judge rules Kentucky has to accept same-sex shotgun weddings.

That’s where they both have one.

Pictures of iPhone 6 look a lot like my Genie garage door opener.

Barbie on cover of Sport Illustrated’s Swim Suit Issue so obviously had work done. What is she 50? 60?

January Obamacare signups go through the roof thanks to New Year’s resolution sign-ups. Smattering of bucket list sign-ups.

Leaker Edward Snowden used password 12345 to gain complete access to NSA files. And yet he can’t remember his pin at the Time Machine.

Yes, Virginia, there is same sex marriage.

Just start calling it ‘marriage’ solve a lot of the problems even if creating others, being marriage.

Joseph A. Banks buys Eddie Bauer rebrands as Joey Banks.

Pentagon meals in the field come up with 3 year pizza–if it doesn’t arrive in 3 years it’s absolutely free.

Packers interested in openly defensive end Michael Sam.

Stradivarius recovered in Milwaukee has a crank on the side.

My wife didn’t appreciate her Valentine’s flowers but the funeral displays were all they had left.

Here in Madison, the city says Wednesday’s snow had to be shoveled by noon Thursday, but Thursday’s snow can wait ’til you get around to it.

Bonus All the Opinion That Isn’t:

                   5 Things Wrong with Sochi 2014

1. A lot of these events, biathlon, skeleton, bandy, are clearly made up or something only Russians would do. Buzkashi, goat head polo, surprisingly, is not among them, although that’s more of a summer thing. Around here shooting a .22 on skis doesn’t even happen up north.

2. Scandinavian nations, and they know who they are, have a huge insurmountable advantage because these events are how they commute.

3. Without (even a pink-eyed) Bob Costas none of the results can be considered official, and have to go into the record books asterisked. When it comes to Olympic Winter Sports Matt Lauer is a triple klutz.

4. Who told Olympic officials snowboarding down railings was OK? It’s not and, anyway, the kind of thing you see every day on the rails of the Federal Building downtown is hardly Olympian.

5. Despite, or perhaps because of, the games being in Russia, it would have been nice to introduce same-sex free skating pairs, once the issue of who lifts is resolved, but only with the proviso that neither of the skaters be Will Ferrell.

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

marswater

5 Things Wrong with Sochi 2014

February 14, 2014

 

                         5 Things Wrong with Sochi 2014

1. A lot of these events, biathlon, skeleton, bandy, are clearly made up or something only Russians would do. Buzkashi, goat head polo, surprisingly, is not among them, although that’s more of a summer thing. Around here shooting a .22 on skis doesn’t even happen up north.

2. Scandinavian nations, and they know who they are, have a huge insurmountable advantage because these events are how they commute.

3. Without (even a pink-eyed) Bob Costas none of the results can be considered official, and have to go into the record books asterisked. When it comes to Olympic Winter Sports Matt Lauer is a triple klutz.

4. Who told Olympic officials snowboarding down railings was OK? It’s not and, anyway, the kind of thing you see every day on the rails of the Federal Building downtown is hardly Olympian.

5. Despite, or perhaps because of, the games being in Russia, it would have been nice to introduce same-sex free skating pairs, once the issue of who lifts is resolved, but only with the proviso that neither of the skaters be Will Ferrell.