Archive for January 2014

Al Roker Vortex & All the News That Isn’t

January 13, 2014

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What Polar vortex? Thought they said the Polish Vortex, the wrestler who used to fight Dick the Bruiser.

The Weather Channel has naming rights for all winter weather events and first called it the Al Roker Vortex, but it didn’t catch on.

Winter we used to call it.

Was fun throwing boiling water out the door for a while, but it gets old.

Minus 21 on the thermometer before it froze.  Was a good old thermometer.

Even worse in Celsius.

Perfect for minor acts of heroism, like going out and rolling up the hammock at 21 below. What a story that will make.

But at least our kids will now be able to annoy theirs with endless repetitious stories of the Polar Vortex of ought ’14.

In All the News That Isn’t weather–

Over half of all Americans now favor marijuana legalization, coincidentally the same number of all Americans currently high.

Only naysayer is Nancy Grace, who says potheads are fat and lazy. Check the monitor, Nance, you’re a user.

At least medical marijuana has a much shorter list of side effects than the Evening News drugs. Possible seizure, stroke and/or death without even knowing what you’re taking them for.

In North Korea, Dennis Rodman sings Happy Birthday Mr. President dressed as Marilyn to Kim Jong Un.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie personally blocks 7 lanes of traffic on the George Washington Bridge. 8th managed to snake around him.

At least they gave up on plan A, which was to roll a giant Chris Christie through the gates of Fort Lee, NJ.

Supreme Court rolls back Utah gay marriages to roommate status.

President Obama promises Promise Zones to hard hit cities, but, you know, Promise Zones are made to be Broken Zones.

Tea Party wants to put a 7 foot teabag next to the 10 Commandments at the Oklahoma State capitol.

Velveeta shortage for the Super Bowl no longer a problem for us Cheeseheads.

Tax adviser says waitress tipped with meth at Oregon restaurant needs to declare the street value on her 1040.

Insane Clown Posse sues Insane Clown FBI.

Former Secretary of Defense Robert Graves trashes President Obama, his wife, the kids and dog in his new book “12 Years a Knave.”

Those concerned about security at the Sochi Olympics in Russia can rest assured the Cossacks will be galloping through.

Target says, eh, more like maybe 70-80 million, tops, but not to worry– 10% off!

More than half the members of Congress are millionaires so they must be doing it for revenge.

Americans warned to be cautious using over the counter laxatives over the counter.

After being benched by the Knicks for untying laces of opponents, J.R. Smith takes a shoeshine position at Grand Central.

After his profanity laced violent video diatribe the parents of the Thug Toddler have been place in protective custody.

Hit of the 2014 Consumer Electronics Show is a smart phone/ stun gun which can be used on others talking too loud for you to hear.

Meryl Streep blasts Walt Disney as just plain Goofy.

Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson sues self over Obamacare vote.

Johnny Manziel to go from collegiate Johnny Football to NFL Hello Kitty.

Adopting the Euro, Latvians lose their popular Lat, will now be known as Vians.

Behring Strait freezes again during Polar Vortex allowing humans to retreat from the North American continent.

Overwhelming majority of Republicans believe evolution should be a choice not a mandate.

Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson sues over mandated evolution.

The Wisconsin legislature passes a surprisingly liberal school-team naming bill bringing the Milwaukee Jewboys closer than ever to reality, and

Wisconsin goes from Polar Vortex to Post-Season Vortex. Next for the Packers: the Longest Yard Bowl at Citrus State Penitentiary.

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . . al