Archive for November 2013

Alec Baldwin Seatmate & All the News That Isn’t

November 25, 2013


Rather my seatmate had a box-cutter than an iPhone.

If they allow cell phones on planes it will be like sitting next to Alec Baldwin on every flight.

Not just the inane conversations, it’s the Zombie Farms, the Smurfs Villages, the Calls of Tiny Little Duty.

Gamers with imaginary assault weapons take Xbox One by force.

Samsung has to apologize to for copying Apple and yet Kia says not a word to Fisher-Price.

3700 year old wine found in Israel just peaking. 1697 BC was a very good year.

Young Californians flock to Obamacare in case they don’t pass the audition.

Male Y chromosome has been furloughed.

NRA takes no position on JFK incident.

More teens pursuing gladiators after Hunger Games Catching Fire.

Sometimes seems like Jennifer Lawrence is the only good thing in my life. And it’s enough.

Dated a Katniss once. Didn’t work out, what with all the cats.

Dylan video reveals “Like a Rolling Stone” really about The Price is Right.

Wisconsin Governor Walker’s book tour for “Profiles in Carnage” continues. Cutting a swath like General Sherman.

Rifles, bb guns and paint guns allowed for deer season this year in Wisconsin. Shoot ‘em if you got ‘em.

China’s knockoff stealth drone good, but ½ hour later you feel like another drone.

New hydrogen car the Graf Hyundai.

Only a question of which burns brighter, the hydrogen Hyundai or the Tesla S.

Doctors say Alzheimer’s like having holes in your roof, recommend bucket of tar and push broom.

Costco apologizes for labeling Bibles fiction. Fiction or not Bibles way cheaper by the case at Costco.

Handful of nuts good for you, just like dad used to say, only in Yiddish.

The nuked Senate will take half-life of 5,000 years to be gridlocked again.

Tea Party Republican Trey Radel of Florida says he thought it was baby laxative, which he has a prescription for.

FDA now looking into what Tea Party means by Tea.

That’ll teach George Zimmerman’s girlfriend to wear a hoodie.

Adam Levine named sexiest Levine.

Packers unable to break the tie that binds them, and

For Thanksgiving this year a lot of guys are 3D printing their Turducken . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t

A Prayer of Thanksgiving

November 21, 2013


A Prayer of Thanksgiving

Go resignedly to the folks’ remembering it’s just for a few hours. Though you must make appearances At her side as well as your own, eat with as much relish as you can muster, for this, too, shall pass. Choose carefully your words, gingerly stepping around your cousin Leah’s latest fiasco with the Arthur Murray instructor, and ask not about Marlene.
Let on not that you have heard these stories before and utter them not aloud simultaneously nor anticipate the punch lines. Chew with vigor and bite thy tongue, for the bird hath been cooked since Tuesday, yet praise it tenderly for it never heard a compliment in life. Be sage about the dressing though you know not the origin of the little hard things; should you bite into a wedding band, return it with discretion. Though it resemble syrup, pour not the Manishewitz on the sherbet.
Avoid your Uncle Lou; he is vexatious to the spirit. Kick not your little brother under the table, but show the forbearance of the season and pound him later. Picture Naomi and the kids as alien life forms, and learn from them. Shout not at Gram, for she heareth what she chooseth. Though you take on much wine, sing not the Barber of Seville nor show undue attention to your niece, who has become quite the young lady. If belch though must, let it not herald the start of a contest. Mince no words over the pie which passeth all understanding.
Above all, say nothing on the ride home, even though the temptation to cite what might have happened but didn’t be great. For that give silent thanks, resolving to firm up those plans for Aruba over Christmas.

Jennifer Lawrence Hot New Temp & All the News That Isn’t

November 18, 2013


Obamacare signups up 18,000% .

Only 217 total, but still.

Looks like Obama Auto Care is off the table.
Could have used Obama Homeowners.
Not to mention Obama Death & Disability. Care.

If they called it American Family Insurance Care wouldn’t have had nearly the trouble.

Kind of funny to use the Presidency as a stepping stone to insurance agent.

You can keep your old plan but it only covers old conditions you are no longer in. Now you have post-existing conditions.

Obamacare does not cover ED–Electile Dysfunction.

Boy, Christmas sure came and went, huh? Thanksgiving, OK, but moving it up to Veteran’s Day is going too far.

Then we had to move up Chanukah to keep pace; it’s now the 8 days culminating in Labor Day.

Flying Wallendas stack-up atop former Sears tower to take height title back from World Trade Tower. The Willis Tower suffers from the inevitable Big Willy nomme de plume.

Going to be hard pressed to get all 50 Shades of Grey in by Valentines Day. A lot of pressure for a date movie, anyway.

Prince Charles is 65, but never having had a job cannot retire. Like Mitt Romney.

Speaking of whom, just the slightest whiff of Romney-Regret among voters. There, it’s gone.

Like to know why Congress is so interested in “Revenge Porno” and nothing else. Government crumbles over and around them, they’re worried about their old dirty pictures turning up on the internet.

Hoping to God we’re not going to see a Ted Cruz sex tape pop up.

North Korea executes 80 for watching Real Housewives. While I think that’s extreme . . .

Real Housewives of Pyongyang? Or Atlanta? If Atlanta, justified.

Reality check: at 45% President Obama still 5 times more popular than Congress.

Congress drops any more they will be self-hating.

Francis Bacon’s triptych 3 Studies of a Really Ugly Guy sells for $142 million. Not only is that a lot of money, you have to buy 3 couches to hang them over.

1 in 3 eschews gluten while 2 in 3 of us chews gluten.

Green and Tea Parties merge to form Green Tea Party. Now if they can just get the Orange Pekoes.

Jennifer Lawrence cuts her hair short looks like the hot new temp.

Earnings disappoint and I know how they feel.

Amazon convinces Postal Service to violate yet another Sabbath for Sunday delivery.

If you’re whatshisname everybody my age knows you.

Research concludes you don’t have a weight problem you have a genetic problem.

Pentagon fears cutbacks to Triangagon.

President Obama will not only spare the Thanksgiving turkey, he will ride it into the sunset.

Fred Sanford clutching-the-heart flopping penalized in NBA.

One thing you can say about hazing in the NBA, rookies get their choice of Jonas Brothers or Hello, Kitty backpacks.

Latest Marvel superhero is a Jewish woman who needs no super powers.

Connecticut rabbi returns $86,000 found in a desk he bought, which is perfect since you don’t really have to tip a rabbi.

3.5 million year old bacteria looks fabulous. Fortunate to fall into a sedimentary layer of Botox.

Alec Baldwin’s stalker says there’s a scar on his male part but that’s common knowledge.

Asian carp walks into a bar in Sturgeon Bay. . . that’s all I got.

10 million dollar fantasy bra followed by 8 million dollar crotchless panty.

Deer that crashed into Janesville church can’t be saved due to wrong denomination.

Wisconsin Governor Walker comes out with his presidential book “Profiles in Carnage.” A Golden Book.

Packers continue unusually long pre-season.

Lambeau Leap has been moved to the Frigo Bridge.

After this season the Packers will go back to meatpacking. Still will have the great next-door rivalry with the Minnesota Hormels . . .

. . . That’s All the News that Isn’t . . .


Packers Def Con 3 QB & All the News That Isn’t

November 11, 2013


Presidential spokesman Elmer Fudd says “Sowwy!”

President apologizes, 60 minutes apologizes–wife has to be next.

But that there feller Ted Cruz sure nuff ain’t sorry fer nuthin.

Only confirms my long-held belief it’s always the wrong people who apologize.

Those health exchanges are confusing though–what are you supposed to exchange your health for?

Newly discovered knee ligament hurts already. Thinking of getting an artificial newly discovered knee ligament.

When the crack smoking mayor of Toronto goes to AA meetings he says, “Hi, I’m Rob and I’m a mayor.”

The mayor isn’t getting the dramatic weight loss he had hoped for.

Personally, I think it’s courageous a politician finally admits he’s on crack.

Senator Rand Paul issues a statement on the charges of plagiarism “When in the course of human events . . . ”

One of those guys in high school who copies your paper and doesn’t bother to change a word.

Google has all our data in a barge in San Francisco harbor, where NSA seals leap like porpoises.

Miami Dolphin linebacker Jonathan Martin intellectually bullied teammate Richie Incognito with references way over his head.

Doughnuts are the Alamo of trans fats.

They will have to pry the trans fats out of my cold chubby hands.

NSA offering unlimited data plan. And they never drop a call.

Obamacare renamed Blue Cross/Blue in the Face.

India’s first Mars spacecraft is a nonfunctional hammered brass pitcher.

Chris Christie rolls to victory in New Jersey.

Christie has his eye on the Taft bathtub in the White House.

Speaking more than one language allows for multilingual dementia, where you talk to yourself and have no idea what you’re saying.

Not so sure the Olympic torch is a good idea in the Space Station.

Strange baffling object in asteroid belt got nothing on what you see around here.

Mayans now thought have 3D printed Chichen-Itza.

On first day of twading Twitter raises a disappointing $140.

Woman charged with harassing Alec Baldwin gets get out of jail free card.

And the injury plagued Green Bay Packers secret emergency Def Con 3 quarterback is Terry Bradshaw . . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .


November 4, 2013

Dell Orange Tabby & BYOnsJdCEAAi9as All The News That Isn’t

Dell odor problem traced to inspector 24, an orange tabby.

Only 6 people managed to sign up on first day of Obamacare, but they got coverage up and including the wazoo: dental, mental, eyes, ears, nose & throat, male and/or female trouble, deep massage, homeopathy including unlimited bee poop, plus an array of alternative treatments including reflexology, tremoring, Zumba and psychic surgery.

The moral of Obamacare is don’t mess with any industry–like insurance–that can ordain acts of God.

Look on the good side–at least he didn’t mess with our Homeowners.

President Obama: damned if you don’t and damned if you don’t.

Presidents ought to do second term first and get it out of the way.

Trailer-sized asteroid passing between earth and moon–where’s the hitch?

NSA says it will only collect your data if you’re a passerby of a third cousin of a person of interest.

What you’ve got to admire about the NSA is a very democratic notion of person of interest.

If NSA and NRA merge–that’s ballgame.

Turns out much of the intel collected from the French is irregular verbs.

Merkel tap was huge mistake actually intended for Urkel.

The irony that the NSA tapped everybody but William Snowden has not been lost on them.

As consolation prize, St. Louis Cardinals get Conrad Murray as team doctor.

New frog species found in Queensland makes love while singing “Hello, My Baby.”

Bra that tweets gets huge number of re-tweets.

GoogleGlass 2 comes with nose and eyebrows.

Court rules “I Boobies” bracelets are protected speech if you’re not a 47 year old man.

Saudi Arabian women may now back seat drive from the front seat.

Due to bacterial concerns, the rule of thumb with mother’s milk: know the breast.

Jonas Brothers broken up by Ono Sisters.

Leaker Edward Snowden gets job selling Oakley Thermonuclear sunglasses in a suburban Moscow Mall.

Snowden also has a job in tech support and has learned to say “Is it plugged in?” in Russian.

President Obama reportedly considered dropping Biden for Hillary and Michelle for Beyoncé.

Under relaxed airline rules flight attendants have discretion whether or not vibrators are electronic devices…

…That’s All the News That Isn’t