Archive for October 2013

Obamacare Mutations

October 28, 2013

Stress over the Obamacare rollout has caused

Obamacare Mutations

Call of Duty Obamacare
Scratch 4 Obamacare
Yomamacare
ObamaLawn&GardenCare
ObamaCarrotTop
ObamaAskMeIfICare
ObamaIfIDidn’t(WouldIFeelThisWay)Care
O,Canadacare
DroneCare
Obamapplecare

Boston Beards to Sox & All the News That Isn’t

October 28, 2013

10-28-13

Looks like Obama Lawn Care has a long row to hoe.

Several congressmen secretly pleased as punch with their Obamacare coverage. Speaker John Boehner, for one, is getting a new spine.

Obamacare going to a scratch-off lottery. Scratch 4 and get coverage head to toe.

Now you can sign up with a note tied to a rock thrown through Kathleen Sebelius’ window.

Lots of folks going overseas for healthcare–a hip in Belgium, for example, is 1/4 the cost, but how do you know it’s not chocolate?

Coming soon Call of Duty: Obamacare for Xbox.

McDonald’s McResource site for underpaid workers suggests McWelfare.

Galaxy 30 billion light years away sounds promising.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel complains when no one calls either.

If nothing else NSA taps have brought Germany and France together.

35 world leaders tapped but only Berlusconi worth listening to.

Must be a lot of roaming charges tapping every phone in Europe. Think it would be prohibitive.

In Greece, DNA tests prove blonde children occur randomly.

Coldest object in universe surprisingly not anybody I know.

Junk DNA now thought to be responsible for your face.

Washing your hands after a failed task makes you more optimistic unless the water is scalding, which sends you into a spiral of depression.

More female officials in NCAA football–really the only difference: no booth reviews.

Due to concussions Brett Favre now thinks he’s the Fonz.
Memory loss, huh? How convenient.

Elation at discovery of vegetarian piranha muted somewhat when found to eat vegetarians.

Last year for beards at World Series–looking like the Boston Chasidim does not inspire fear in opponents.

Republicans now squabble over which way immigration should go, in or out.

Survey finds best place to be a woman is anywhere you are dear.

Women are better at multi-tasking while men are better at multi-having-to-do-it.

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

moose-beard-550x348

October 24, 2013

In All the Good News That Isn’t—

–Asteroid misses earth probably will again in 20 years
–House hearings bound to help with Obamacare signup
–NSA phone effort brings Germany & France together
–Ancient skull proves men are all alike
–Galaxy 30 billion light years away sounds promising
–Umpires work together to reverse call
–Still openings on one-way to Mars
–Bumper crop of pumpkins this Halloween
–Kim & Kanye meant to be, and
–Enough God Particles and we’ll really have something.
Pumpkin_Patch

Dear Building Inspector

October 21, 2013

Building Inspection Division
City of Madison
Department of Planning and Economic Development

Dear Ms. Lester

Am in receipt of your most recent notice of the 3rd which, while taking no note of the considerable effort it must have taken for a man with 2 confirmed degenerative discs and lumbago to dismantle and remove the non-compliant fence along my driveway as well as cutting back the annually cited vegetation barely protruding over the sidewalk. Hats off, by the way, for catching even this minor intrusion over 12 cubic feet of city airspace even while missing the massive intrusion from the new condo development filling most of the next block, which, having been built right up to the sidewalk, pretty much insures that every plant on every balcony will, technically, be in violation of the overhanging vegetation over sidewalks ordinance, if an ordinance is what it is. May simply be a mindset, but, as the kids say, whatever.

At any rate, I was shocked to learn on the 3rd, that the couple of (admittedly overgrown) prickler bushes (not sure of the scientific name, but you know, with little red berries kids aren’t supposed to eat) which hurt like heck should one attempt to trim them, are in non-compliance. I think it may not be the bushes per se, but a belief on the part of building inspection that a vehicle leaving my driveway, that would be my vehicle, would have any and all views of pedestrians already wending their way through the adjacent jungle canopy obscured by said bushes. Ironically, said bushes were previously hidden by the aforementioned fence and, therefore, not a known hazard until the fence itself came down. I don’t know if you’re anything like me, Ms. Lester, but I’m a sucker for irony. I know in citation 2 you proclaimed (if that’s not too strong a word) that both fence and anything behind adjacent or near to it must be reduced to 24 inches in height, but, even if a guy had the right saw (Milwaukee reciprocating?) to do it, a two foot fence is going to look pretty silly, probably adversely impacting property values and economic development for all of us on the block, even if one of us, we suspect, keeps turning us in on all this. Believe me, being fined for two consecutive winters of not shoveling good enough when I pay a guy to do it is irretrievably lodged in my craw.

I have not actually measured said bushes since I can’t get close enough without lacerating, but, eyeballing, I would say 3 maybe 3 1/2 feet, with several spiky feelers reaching a couple of feet closer to the source of all life. That is just the nature of living things, I’m sure you will agree. I have never seen a 2 foot version of one of these prickly bushes in nature; there may be a bonsai version in Japan–if so, they are not popular around here. I remain willing and even anxious to don my big old cowskin gloves from Menards and hack them (say, that’s what they are, hackberries!) with my sling blade salvaged from an old mower, to the requisite 24 inches, but I fear not so much personal injury as the end of said bushes as we know them, and wonder if you might reassure me as to viability once slashed to code. I don’t mean to reduce this to viability vs. visibility but there you are. You know, I inherited the damn things, don’t even like them, but I do feel a sense of responsibility re their survival, perhaps because, at the end of the day, we’re all in the same boat.

Thank you so much,

Anxious to comply,

Michael Feldman

Oarfish Mislabeling & All the News That Isn’t

October 21, 2013

10-21-13

DC NFL team renamed Washington Palefaces.

Government returns to normal malfunction.

Biggest change is name to protect credit rating–now the USAAA.

Shutdown agreement finally reached after pushing Mitch McConnell over $3 billion dam. Worth every cent.

Stenographer yelling about Freemasons only one making sense during the whole ordeal.

Stenographer said Holy Spirit made her do it, marking the first appearance of the Holy Spirit in Congress.

National Zoo’s baby panda back home after spending 2 weeks in a cardboard box on the mall, break dancing for bamboo.

Leaker William Snowden says he took no secret documents to Russia but did smuggle 25 snakes in his undies.

Ancient skull confirms widespread belief that all men are alike.

Yeti remains prove abominable snowman part polar bear part Ted Cruz’s cousin.

Rare 18 foot oarfish shows up at Trader Joe’s mislabeled as sturgeon.

It rains diamonds on Saturn, but no such luck on Uranus.

In his defense, substitute teacher who passed out in class from heroin did not expect to be called that day.

Vatican says that was not a misspelling on the religious medal, that was his half-brother Lesus.

Better Business Bureau downgrades Tea Party to B-, “some complaints.”

Obamacare sign-up leaves troubled website for Twitter, but coverage limited to 140 characters.

Costco chicken may have salmonella but you sure get a lot of it!

Altruism gene discovered before being given away.

Presidentially obese William H Taft used a low-carb diet to slim down to Woodrow Wilson.

Sharp increase noted in Republican on Republican crime.

China has been trading pandas for reactor uranium because the little fellas would not stay in the cooling tubes.

Man declared legally dead learns to live with it.

Uncle Max’s Particle loses out to God Particle at Nobels.

Tesla electric car bursts into flame showing the downside in making them out of wax.

People burn more calories when they stand up but tend to launch into comedy routines.

Inebriated Milwaukee man gets jail time for voting twice, even though his votes cancelled each other out.

That’s All the News That Isn’t
oarfish

The Tragedie of John of Boehner

October 5, 2013

The Tragedie of JOHN OF BOEHNER

Methinks I am a prophet new inspired
And thus expiring do foretell of him:
His rash fierce blaze of riot cannot last,
For violent fires soon burn out themselves;
Small showers last long, but sudden storms are short;
He tires betimes that spurs too fast betimes;
With eager feeding food doth choke the feeder:
Light vanity, insatiate cormorant,
Consuming means, soon preys upon itself.
This sceptered aisle, this happy breed of men,
This little world, this blessed plot, this earth,
This realm, this Congress.
This land of such dear souls, this dear dear land,
Dear for her reputation through the world,
Is now leased out, I die pronouncing it,
Like to a tenement or pelting farm:
This land bound in with the triumphant sea
Whose rocky shore beats back the envious siege
Of watery Neptune, is now bound in with shame,
With inky blots and rotten parchment bonds:
This land that was wont to conquer others,
Hath made a shameful conquest of itself.
Ah, would the scandal vanish with my life,
How happy then were my ensuing death!