Archive for September 2013

All the News That Isn’t for 9-23-2013

September 23, 2013

9-23-13

This whole bringing a gun to Starbucks ban is so unfair since you can bring your Starbucks to the gun range.

Many the triple venti soy no foam latte has been knocked over by the kick of an AR-15.

Brain eating amoeba suspected in Congressional water supply.

House votes to defund healthcare and defeed poor.
Feeding the poor just encourages them.

Starbucks now says you can pack, but only if you’re happy to see them.
Please use the provided stirring stick and not your baretta to stir your frappuccino.

Too many hotshots get a kick out of showing the barista their baretta.

Knock off fools gold iPhone 5’s flooding the market.
I’m sticking with my Princess phone–it’s little it’s lovely it lights, and it’s gold!

Dow Jones through the roof anticipating government shutdown. Not enough has been said about the great inertia of the American system.

Tennessee judge rules parents can name their baby Messiah but not DeShawn.

Finding a girl deemed good enough for Messiah is going to be tough.

Jewish woman in Tennessee wants to name her baby Mechiah.

CEO of Beanie Babies owes $52 million tax judgment for an offshore account registered to Ally the Alligator.

Pope Francis says everyone should march to their own rhythm method beat.
The Pope also suggested he was open to gay abortion.

Tapering is now off–as with any stimulus gotta leave it in as long as possible.

Older roommate stabbed for endless loop of Eagles’ “Peaceful, Easy Feeling.” Loosened his load.

Facebook “like” is protected by First Amendment! Damn! Those Founding Fathers!

Conservative alternative to Obamacare called Yo’ Mama Care. The patient receives a series of escalating insults from his healthcare provider.

Obama administration trying to counter the widely held misconception that Uncle Sam will personally conduct prostate exams under Obamacare.

John McCain Putin op-ed so good he will have a regular column in Pravda–
human interest, upcoming events, vicious diatribes, outdoor sports . . .
2 columns a week is a lot of space to fill.

Stephen Hawking now says his artificial larynx was speaking for itself when advocating assisted suicide.

We already have assisted suicide–medical care!

The Italian cruise ship Costa Concordia has been pulled up and over onto its other side.

In the Fed handicap Larry Summers out, Suzanne Somers in.

Baby Boomers: $15 trillion in disposable income and not a shirt or pair of pants you can wear.

Tim Tebow to the Grenoble Centaurs in the French 2nd division league.
Foosball wanted him really bad.

Paula Deen has seen The Butler 7 times so far. Cried every time.

Cubs magic number down to infinity.

Herb Kohler’s $6.8 billion something to think about every time you use one.

No medical marijuana for Wisconsin but medical soybeans looking good, and

The naked Milwaukeean stuck in the clinic air duct can easily explain the whole thing . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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Syrian Electronic Army plays ELO & All the News That Isn’t

September 16, 2013

9-16-13

New York Fashion Week all Midwest Look–housecoats & crocs dominate runways.

Voyager 1 spacecraft leaves solar system, does not look back. 36 years of separation anxiety enough.

Voyager carrying a copy of the Bee Gees Saturday Night Fever to the Andromeda Galaxy.

New Jersey Shore officials thinking about a concrete walk this time.

Free tickets on United, but it’s still on United.

New iPhone 5’s require a butt reader to make butt calls.

Android phones have already countered with cheek swabbers.

With the US slipping to 17th in happiness behind Mexico, foot traffic through the Rio Grande reverses.

Duffer President Obama takes mulligan on Syria speech.

Goes to show, on the road to Damascus easy to fall off or on your ass.

Vladimir Putin gets his own comic strip in the New York Times funny pages–Rootin’ Pootin. Right under Snuffy Smith.

President Obama cancels congressional picnic, but 3-legged race still on.

Returning from North Korea, Dennis Rodman lets slip name of Kim Jong Un’s daughter, Wi Tu Lo.

Ratings show the President’s “So You Think You Can Govern” losing to “So You Think You Can Dance.”

Relatives say 107 year-old shot by police in Pine Bluff, Arkansas had 106 very good years.

Diana Nyad may have been the oldest swimmer towed from Cuba to Florida.

Starving Artists couch painting found to be Van Gogh.

The Syrian Electronic Army changed the President’s speech as he was giving it.

Syrian Electronic Army thought to be offshoot of Electric Light Orchestra.

Testicle size now thought to be fit topic for casual conversation.

Testicles get smaller with parenthood not before.

Miss Kansas sports first tattoo in Miss America pageant but will probably regret it by time she’s Mrs. Kansas.

Putin may be given Peace Prize just so he won’t cop somebody else’s.

Scooter Store shut down just as I may qualify for a Medicare discount.

Montana Lt. Governor John Walsh mistakenly likes Facebook cleavage page he thought was the Grand Tetons.

First Lady Michelle Obama fruitlessly looks for water in Watertown, Wisconsin, actually named after Ethel Waters. Nearest water actually in Lake Mills.

Reading that men need estrogen I took some, and my belly went straight to my thighs . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .
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