Archive for August 2013

Kim’s Placenta Weight Gain & All the News That Isn’t

August 26, 2013

8-26-13

In the biggest policy victory of term 2, President Obama hosts the surviving 1972 Miami Dolphins at the White House.

Newly released Nixon tapes may reveal why the Dolphins were not honored in 1972. Nixon reportedly said, “We could do it, but it would be wrong.”

Former Egyptian President Mubarak is tan, trim and feels terrific.

Mubarak was on the mummification table when the reprieve came. Biggest comeback in Egypt since King Tut.

Woke up, I was a Chelsea Manning.

Chelsea has done nothing wrong and should be sent on her way.
Same for Sally Snowden.

Most of the email collected by the NSA is out of the office vacation responders.

Ben Affleck booted from upcoming Batman film, will be replaced by Ben Bernanke.

After eating placenta Kim Kardashian put the weight back on again.

In a cost cutting move, NASA will lasso an asteroid on the same sound stage used for the moon landing.

Circumcision down in western states where 10 gallon hats still favored.

3-1-1 carry ins in quart baggies in effect for NFL season openers. Does allow for one 3.4 oz beer or wine cooler.

Astronomers find birth of new star somewhat embarrassing.

AARP study finds that while baby boomers are not, in fact, babies, they are going boom.

Lindsay Lohan tells Oprah as part of her rehab she will shop at Lane Byrant.

Dr. Phil is strongly condemned for tweeting “is it ok to have sex with a drunken dr oz?”

Dr. Phil, do you have anything to say to Dr. Oz?

People would rather steal a Ford F-250 pickup than a Mercedes because you don’t want to look like you’re showing off in your stolen vehicle.

Rodent hair in Mexican Heinz ketchup brings it up to 58 varieties.
Consumers can return the bottles for full rodent refund.

Many Swiss women are carrying $38,000 croc handbags to show solidarity with the plight of Oprah Winfrey.

Most women surveyed would rather have a thousand 38 dollar handbags.

Ironically, pitcher Ryan Dempster cannot play during his suspension despite hitting A-Rod.

You know A-Rod was just too bulked up to jump out of the way, and

Gold iPhone already stolen . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t

index

Oprah’s Got a Brand New Bag & All the News That Isn’t

August 19, 2013

8-19-13

And the thing is Oprah was going to give one of those handbags to everyone in her audience.

In defense of the salesgirl in Zurich, you can see how she might have thought the butler’s wife wouldn’t have the money for a $35,000 bag.

New York City stop-and-frisk is out and frisk-on-the go is in.

The stop-and-bris in Brooklyn is even worse.

Obama-faced rodeo clown new head of Republican National Committee.

Baby boy who can’t be named Messiah in Tennessee has been renamed Holy Jeepers Jones.

London Whale charged although all the krill long gone.

American Airlines and US Air merger blocked as too much of a bad thing.

GOP urges everyone to get real sick and overwhelm Obamacare.

Republicans seek to limit Obamacare to Obama.

In North Carolina you now must show a tarheel to vote.

Utah beauty queen is da bomb!

CIA acknowledges Area 51 but disavows Highway 51, particularly the stretch between Endeavor and Plainfield.

Rush Limbaugh will moderate or whatever the word would be the Republican debates.

Mice fed soda become mousedly obese.

Gun safety teacher who shot student hopes he’s learned a valuable lesson.

Facebook makes people feel bad for never being in their own newsfeed.

Oprah reveals Stedman inspiration for The Butler.

Steinway taken over by a hedge fund. Now pianists will have to dream of a Hedgeway.

More than 28 cups of coffee per week bad for those under 55 but absolutely essential for those over.

Instant replay in baseball: because 3 hours of the Cubs is not nearly enough.

400 pound NFL linemen to be tested for bovine growth hormone.
As Dylan once said, “Give me some milk or else go home.”

Ecuadoran carnivorous panda found to be Ted gone feral after movie flop.

Obesity data show bulge below Bible Belt visible from space, and

100,000 people would rather live on Mars than Kenosha . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t
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