In the biggest policy victory of term 2, President Obama hosts the surviving 1972 Miami Dolphins at the White House.
Newly released Nixon tapes may reveal why the Dolphins were not honored in 1972. Nixon reportedly said, “We could do it, but it would be wrong.”
Former Egyptian President Mubarak is tan, trim and feels terrific.
Mubarak was on the mummification table when the reprieve came. Biggest comeback in Egypt since King Tut.
Woke up, I was a Chelsea Manning.
Chelsea has done nothing wrong and should be sent on her way.
Same for Sally Snowden.
Most of the email collected by the NSA is out of the office vacation responders.
Ben Affleck booted from upcoming Batman film, will be replaced by Ben Bernanke.
After eating placenta Kim Kardashian put the weight back on again.
In a cost cutting move, NASA will lasso an asteroid on the same sound stage used for the moon landing.
Circumcision down in western states where 10 gallon hats still favored.
3-1-1 carry ins in quart baggies in effect for NFL season openers. Does allow for one 3.4 oz beer or wine cooler.
Astronomers find birth of new star somewhat embarrassing.
AARP study finds that while baby boomers are not, in fact, babies, they are going boom.
Lindsay Lohan tells Oprah as part of her rehab she will shop at Lane Byrant.
Dr. Phil is strongly condemned for tweeting “is it ok to have sex with a drunken dr oz?”
Dr. Phil, do you have anything to say to Dr. Oz?
People would rather steal a Ford F-250 pickup than a Mercedes because you don’t want to look like you’re showing off in your stolen vehicle.
Rodent hair in Mexican Heinz ketchup brings it up to 58 varieties.
Consumers can return the bottles for full rodent refund.
Many Swiss women are carrying $38,000 croc handbags to show solidarity with the plight of Oprah Winfrey.
Most women surveyed would rather have a thousand 38 dollar handbags.
Ironically, pitcher Ryan Dempster cannot play during his suspension despite hitting A-Rod.
You know A-Rod was just too bulked up to jump out of the way, and
Gold iPhone already stolen . . .
That’s All the News That Isn’t