Archive for July 2013

Sharknado Eclipses Holsteinado & All the News That Isn’t

July 29, 2013

July 29, 2013

Thinking outside the royal box, royal baby named Mohamed Duke of Cambridge.

Baby-proofing Buckingham even as we speak.

Corgis gotta go. Little guy looks too much like a hedgehog–and corgis love hedgehog.

No response yet to Prince Harry’s offer to babysit.
Can just see that “look, I’m Michael Jackson ” moment on the balcony.

Anthony Weiner’s wife forgives Ryan Braun.

Weiner says he was not sexting he was just typing with his you-know.

The Weiners will now take their case to Dr. Phil. Tony, do you have something to say to Huma?

If he does win they will have to Weiner-proof Gracie Mansion.

Meanwhile, rather than resign over his famous secretary headlock, the mayor of San Diego will take behavior training at Sea World.

Researchers find strong evidence that the moon can hit your eye like a big pizza pie. That’s amore.

Free man in Russia Edward Snowden rushes off to KGB to see if his credits will transfer.

House bill to restrict NSA surveillance to the lamp in Tony Soprano’s basement comes up short.

Durables surge but that can’t last.

Scientists discover false memories in mice, accounting for Jerry’s horrendous accusations about Tom.

Cubs trade Alfonso Soriano to Yankees for Jumbotron and additional signage to be named later.

Meanwhile, looks like Plan B-Rod for A-Rod.

Zimmerman comes out of hiding to deliver Kate’s baby.

This just in–Zimmerman has dragged another white family out of their minivan for no apparent reason.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Zimmerman!

Lance Armstrong in the Iowa bike race, a true riches to Ragbrai story.

Armstrong is being watched closely as he passes the ethanol tanks.

Al Jazeera television picks up the Albert Brooks sitcom “That Darn Jew!”

Shrinking arctic icecap threatens baby seal clubbing.

NASA discovers that most “near earth objects” are actually little things floating by on your cornea.

And, Sharknado eclipses Holsteinado at the box office . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .
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Norwegian Wakes Up Swedish & All the News That Isn’t

July 22, 2013

7-22-13

Norwegian man wakes up Swedish, thinks he’s in hell.

Panda mother of twins says please, no more stuffed pandas.

Kate imagines she’s lying on a beautiful beach, waves rhythmically lapping.

As Cassini spacecraft takes picture of earth from Saturn many mistakenly wave at Uranus.

Home builder confidence up after a pretty bad spill from the roof.

Housing starts up, finishes, not so much. Get to it when I get to it.

Some danger of Consumer Over-Confidence.

Fed head says will hand out G-man badges, Dow goes through roof.

Florida passes Stand Your Sinkhole law.

House passes stay warm, drink plenty of fluids Askmeificare health plan.

Bad news: Detroit in bankruptcy, good news: Malibus 10 cents on the dollar.

Given calorie guides McDonalds patrons eat them.

President Obama says he sees self in young North West Kardashian.

The President says women in elevators still clutch their purses when he gets in, but once they see it’s him they take out their compacts.

Snail facials make snails look years younger.

Cooperative Edward Snowden given access to duty-free at Moscow airport.

Same sex marriage law in Britain theoretically allows Queen to marry another Queen. (In the UK it’s same sex, same class).

Ancient earth was extremely hot but it was a dry heat.

Keith Olbermann returns to TV as lottery ball-picker.

Auto tag surveillance raises hackles of American Civil License plate Union.

Rolling Stone magazine boycotted after Neil Diamond jump suit cover.

Scandal rocks pseudo-sports world as rhythmic gymnastics turns out to be big joke.

Revelation that J.K. Rowling wrote Book of Mormon.

World’s oldest calendar extremely out of date; still has Arbor day last week of April.

Public radio host turns up in Biogenesis appointment book.

Obesity gene unable to skip generations.

Missouri first graders now have NRA gun class right after naptime.

House not only does away with food stamps but makes couponing a felony.

Mailman receives Emmy in yet another Netflix victory.

Tibetan monks make sand mandala with 3D printer. Print one grain at a time.

Smokey the Bear sequestered–smoke ’em if you got ’em.

In Milwaukee, 72 year-old Paul McCartney rocks stadium with “I Saw Her Wobbling There.”

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

Tampax in Teapot & All the News That Isn’t

July 15, 2013

7-15-13

As Russian dissident leaker Edward Snowden entitled to post at Harvard.

Reasonable dolt frees George Zimmerman.

US and China have deep differences on Hunan rights.

White House to decide whether Egypt coupe or sedan.

Leaked report says Pakistan intelligence had bin Laden salmon fishing in the Yemen.

Safest seats in airline crash are in back of the Greyhound.

Asiana now least popular baby girl name.

47% of babies have flat spots on heads, curiously the same % that grow up to be Democrats.

After aborting governorship late in term, Rick Perry says he intends to pray and just join the occasional posse.

Porn actors say measure requiring condoms violates prior restraint.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck now the Einstein of Fox & Friends.

Many at the Fed believe in self-stimulus.

Tribune gets out of newspaper business; Tribune Tower will be used for grain storage.

Justin Bieber relieves self in restaurant mop bucket to prove what a lame bad boy he is.

Appendix says Elton John nearly killed him.

Lowered arsenic levels take the kick out of apple cider.

Senate compromise on student loans creates Indentured Students Act allowing students to work off loans as serfs.

With rise in Mexican obesity North America now pear shaped.

Mental performance of 90 year-olds improves, but it’s touch and go until then.

Mets decide not to honor Native Americans during Braves home stand.

Former Laker Metta World Peace seeks asylum in Russia.

Derek Jeter gets up too quickly from chair, back on disabled list.

Women protesting abortion restrictions in Texas senate have tampons confiscated: a Tampax in a teapot?

Don’t mess with Kotex, Tex . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t

Snowden Wants Per Diem for Airport Stay & All the News That Isn’t

July 1, 2013

July 1, 2013

A contrite Paula Deen says “when those cotton balls get rotten, you can’t pick very much cotton.”

Claiming she was misquoted, Ms. Deen then went on to say “mammy’s little baby loves shortnin’ shortnin’.”

His dad says Ed Snowden wants his job back, an upgrade to GS-8, and a per diem for his stay at the Moscow airport.
And a new headshot–that’s non-negotiable.

Lance Armstrong says its impossible tow win the Tour de France without doping; as a result, no one wins the Tour de France.

Still, you gotta believe it’s possible with the right dope. Just no longer you, Lance.

Armstrong believes he’s still the Tour record holder and that he’s irresistible to women.

500th execution in the Right to Life state, Texas.

Governor Rick “Hang Em High” Perry explains the right to life expires at birth. A little slap on the behind and good luck!

Roger Federer loses at Wimbledon after his Flubber shoes are banned.

The Supreme Court ends its historic session with justices Scalia and Roberts hand in hand.

On the downside, the Voting Rights Act is now the Voting Wrongs Act.
All because no one had the courage to tell Clarence Thomas he is black.

While President Obama travels in Africa, Jamie Foxx slips into the White House. And the Whitehouse is Down with Dat.

Paula Deen has offered to cater for the Obamas for their remaining 3 years. Reparations.

Voyager 1 has second thoughts about leaving the solar system, heads back.

While the 700,000 year old grey mare ain’t what she used to be, her genome is. It is now possible to clone one sway back old nag.

Fed Chief Ben Bernanke to be replaced by George Zimmer, formerly of Men’s Wearhouse.

Snowden trade for Yakov Smirnoff reportedly in the works.

Snowden spotted returning carts for deposit at Moscow International.

If the UAE buys the Empire State Building it will be the United Arab Empirates State Building.

Breast feeding said to boost the ability to social climb and open a beer bottle with your teeth.

Paula Deen tapped for 50 Shades of grey, blue, yellow and pink.

And, with the Pittsburgh Pirates having the best record in baseball, many theologians see the opening of the 7th seal of the Apocalypse. . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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