Archive for May 2013

Pacifier Sucking and All the News That Isn’t

May 13, 2013


Only makes sense tax protestors should be tax exempt.

Claim John Adams as a dependent you’re going to get audited.

What’s with Chris Christie? Suddenly he’s not jolly.

After weight loss surgery, New Jersey governor Chris Christie down to Delaware governor.

Looks like a painfully thin Chris Christie in 2016.

President Obama on Syria–50 shades of red line.

Getting nowhere on Benghazi Republicans turn to Ben Gay.

ATM cyber-thieves in the process of stealing 45 million in tens.

Heritage Foundation’s 6 trillion dollar tag on immigration actually the cost of sending everybody back. Including the Heritage Foundation.

In Jerusalem, the Wailing Wall controversy solved as women are allowed to use the Kvetching Wall.

All that racket is the cicadas saying “has it been 17 years already?” at once.

Samsung’s new phone so smart it carries you around.

Bill moves forward in congress to make Pay TV Pay-Up-the-Wazoo TV.

Sincere version of Springtime for Hitler staged in Germany.

Average American can only retire when he’s ten years dead.

The “like the smell of your own” phenomenon: Americans hate congress, like their congressman.

Parents who suck their babies’ pacifiers risk projectile vomit retaliation.

People with dogs have a reduced risk of cardio-vascular disease but an increased risk of heartworm.

Pfizer will now sell Viagra online with misspelled sexually suggestive spam supposedly from someone you know.

President Obama says we have not yet crossed the red line where he makes the Jacksonville Jaguars take Tim Tebow.

Kobe Bryant sues his mom for Mothers Day, even though the damage is long done.

Under the new law in Minnesota, Minneapolitans can marry St. Paulists.

Stamp prices up again–worth a run for congress just for the franking.

Visiting Prince Harry manages to keep tunic on and curtains closed, but its only day 4.

At the movies, it’s Great Caesar’s Gatsby in 3D!
The Great Kool Aid Acid Test Gatsby.

Although Fitzgerald did write Gatsby for Viewmaster.

Governor Walker meets with the Dali Lama to see about getting some of that mandala work here in Wisconsin.

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .


Rosemont Cubs and All the News That Isn’t

May 6, 2013


Pope Emeritus Benedict returns to the Vatican’s mother-in-law cottage.

One more pontiff and it’s the papal hat trick.

Rival group to Planned Parenthood formed: Crapshoot Parenthood.

President Obama proposes a path to citizenship that’s not across the river on someone’s back. Or a mad dash across 805 at San Diego.

Republicans try to keep a balance between keeping everybody out and getting the votes of those who slip through.

Jamestown remains suggest John Smith ate Pocahontas.

After one gun goes off at NRA convention, the hall erupts in mousetraps and ping-pong balls.

Following Jason Collins announcement, America waits for the first openly gay CPA.

Big breakthrough for basketball–this means at least 2 guys on the bench and an assistant coach are gay.

Son can’t hold a job so Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands abdicates.
But, you know, if monarchy means Queen Maxima–let’s do it!

It is now possible, using a 3D printer, to print a gun and all the organs it pierces.

If she gets out of this. Jodi Arias a shoo-in for Bachelorette. Possibly Dancing with the Defendants.

Mark Sanford takes another break from the campaign trail for the Appalachian trail. Who knew it went all the way to Argentina?

Anthony Weiner shows slight poll rise.

Apple bonds offered one-to-one for Packer stock.

Some concern that High Alert What a Buzz Whoa! gum may have caffeine in it. I prefer Climb the Walls with Your Nails gum.

Whatever–it is a convenient way to take your coffee.

Golfer V.J. Singh says his deer antlers get all dried out without the spray, but he has cut back on the rhino horn.

In child rearing news, President and Mrs. Obama say not to tattoos but will look the other way on Plan B.

Of course, if your druggist is opposed, it’s on to Plan C.

New York Yankees seek Medicare expansion.

Word out of Chicago is that next season it’s the Rosemont Cubs.

Survey finds 2 out of 3 Supreme Court justices can’t name a single American.

White House furloughs hit calligraphers hard, and

Turns out a lot of guys have “Terrorista #1” plates, but not nearly as many as “DumbAss #1” . . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .