Archive for April 2013

All the News That Isn’t

April 29, 2013


If they don’t want these drones shot down they’ve got to paint them partly cloudy.

George W Bush becomes the first C-plus English student with his own library.

Mr. Bush was thrown out of the George W Bush Presidential Library for horsing around.

Big hit at the new library was the flight jacket and victory banner display.

Hall of bad art was a big draw.

Only reference to Iraq was Saddam Hussein’s Zippo lighter he used in the spider hole.

Do have a nice little biodiesel converter you can feed switch grass into.

Nice to see Barney again.

TSA knife policy on hold after mumblety-peg incident in break room.

Air controllers back but pilots furloughed.

TSA willing to get invasive on their down time.

The Associated Press was hacked but how smart was it to use asspress for a password?

Bill Clinton on twitter immediately followed by @monicalewinsky.

Mortgages down to 2.6%–if I thought I had 15 years I’d get one.

Dems streaming down ropes from sinking ship of state.

At traffic stop, Reese Witherspoon gets only cop who hasn’t seen Legally Blonde.

Thatcher tomb found vacant with rock rolled back.

Elvis leaves federal building.

Durable goods plunge as people don’t expect things to last.

NRAARP for old gunslingers.

Gold is down so I guess I’ll keep the fillings.

White House Science Fair called off due to castor bean project.

Correspondents dinner proves President Obama would be doing a lot better if this whole thing were a joke.

Syria says chemical is actually Roundup for the broadleaf.

Justin’s career spin; is he Amy Winebieber?

Syrian Electronic Army vs. People’s Liberation Army Unit 61398 in the hacker finals.

If there are wmd’s in Syria time to invade Iran.

Manti taken in by nice family.

Non-union ding dongs shall never pass these lips.

Clenching of the fists aids both IQ and BM.

Monkeys understand the more obvious social gestures, such as red rump in your face and fecal hurling.

Koala chlamydia–what happens when everyone wants to hug you, and

In the new Guys & Dolls, Channing Tatum a natural for Nicely Nicely Johnson . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

All the News That Isn’t –Regular and Good

April 22, 2013


In a special tribute Margaret Thatcher is interred next to Richard III in the car park.

What kind of message does it send when the highest level of American representation at the Thatcher funeral is Kissinger, Cheney and Bachmann?

Suspicious substance sent to President Obama turns out to be Nicorette.

Ricin letter season again. Like the annual Christmas saga letters.

Ricin testing takes 48 hours–they should use instant ricin.

After a really bad week the White House looks more like the Alamo.

Wayne La Pierre never picked up a check, background or otherwise.

Lost in all this is that Ann Curry was treated really badly on the Today show.

Latest in wearable technology: Google Spanx.
Google Retainer hinted at.

Incarceration way up at Shanghai Technical Prison anticipating all the iPhone 6 work.

Wisconsin’s Governor Walker has opened an office in China so he’s able to count Chinese prison labor in job count. 1 billion new jobs!

Immigration bill comes to floor with big asterisk next to Chechnya.

After all the flooding, Chicago’s sister city now Venice.

McDonalds’s earnings flat after something funny about the pickle slice.

iPhone’s Siri only keeps your data two years, but by then has told all her friends.

Carnival Triumph upgraded with 23,000 gallon jugs tied to the rail. Hopefully, they’ll remember to put the caps on.

Given the weather, it’s surprising the dead groundhog thrown into the Pennsylvania bar was not Phil.

I shot Musharraf but I did not shoot the deputy.

Manti Te’o expected to go in first round of fantasy draft, and

A challenging auditorium program coming up telling 6th grade boys why they’re getting cervical cancer shots.

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

But, wait, there’s more–because we need it, and USA Today doesn’t provide it anymore . . . .

All the Good News That Isn’t:

Bighorn sheep are back in the Sierra Nevadas.

Gold is more affordable.

One way ticket to Mars suddenly appealing.

Probably no one you know made the Chicago Tribune’s mugs in the news.

The boat with the protected species didn’t hit the coral reef all that hard.

You can now show the officer proof of insurance on your iPhone.

Maggie’s back with Dennis.

Big turnout at 4:20 on 4-20 behind the equipment shed on the practice field.

Should be a shipload of spring flowers, and

Jennifer Aniston seems happy.

. . . That’s All the Good News That Isn’t . . . .


All the News That Isn’t for April 15

April 15, 2013


With 4 million words in the tax code, lucky we don’t have to pay by the word.

President Obama’s 2014 budget comes in at just under 3.8 trillion–down to
3.7999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 trillion after cutting the White House tours.

Paulie Ryan says it’s not enough, wants all tours cut–motorcoach, Globus, Gray Line (especially Gray Line), Carnival, the one you take with your French teacher to Paris–finit.

Correction of an earlier story saying North Korea has a “nuclear warhead;” should read North Korea has an “unclear warhead.”

Pentagon says best way to stop a North Korean missile is to get it while still in the cereal box.

A rare display of bipartisanship in Congress on the gun bill–well, not bipartisan, really, more like swatting at the same fly and hitting one another.

President Obama now says he was trying to encourage Jay-Z and Beyonce to defect to Cuba.

New film “42” about the first black player in major league baseball, Jackie Robinson, spurs hope for a biopic on Larry Bird, the last white player in basketball.

Ex-congressman Anthony Weiner engorging for a New York mayoral race.

If Weiner wins, what will he raise at the swearing in?

You mark my words–first background checks, next foreground checks.
A short step to turn your head and cough.

Dutch recall 50,000 tons of meat because into each meat a little horse must fall.

Big coming-out coming up in professional sports all points to Brian Urlacher. Or not.

I’m looking forward to the first “I’m Gay and I Play” halftime show. Finally give the bands something to work with.

NASA to lasso an asteroid on a whim. Not the first time someone’s been high in Pasadena.

You can mine an asteroid but its best not to pick at ’em.

Kim Jong Un says he has already lassoed an asteroid and is dragging it toward the US.

Some concern over a new app that allows you to take control of an airliner–but at least no more sitting on the tarmac!

Secretary of State John Kerry would like to see North and South Korea go to countries counseling.

The human and the fly brain called strikingly similar, or so buzzes little Vincent Price from the web in the rose bush.

Pols unable to agree on cherry blossoms in Tidal Basin, bloom called off.

Man at Home Depot too cheap to buy a saw.

Goat’s head only bright spot in Cub’s season. Too bad owner Ricketts didn’t wake up next to it.

Margaret Thatcher, who slept only 4 hours a night, catching up now.

The babbling of the Gelada baboon of Ethiopia said to be the closest to human speech of any primate outside of Wayne LaPierre.

Red meat, counter-intuitively, not good for one’s red meat.

Bitter disappointment for Iran after discovering they have been refining urea not uranium.

Tape shows Mitch McConnell planned to attack Ashley Judd’s mental health thinking she was Naomi Judd, and

JC Penny’s fires its Ron Johnson and ours packs up–guy’s really out of the loop . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .
Long, Cold Winter Delays Start Of DC Cherry Blossom Season

Armed & Teacherous

April 8, 2013

Armed and Teacherous

A report on school safety funded by the National Rifle
Association recommends properly trained armed teachers
flintlock to provide “an important layer of security in schools.”

Scene: Faculty meeting at South West Area Tech High School, Vice-Principal Dan Muller, presiding.

OK, I’ll try to keep this brief, most of you, I know, have drum and bugle commitments. Going pretty well as far as the Armed and Teacherous Initiative. Not unexpectedly, there continues to be an uneven distribution of armament by department: none at all, really, in the English department, with the exception of the heirloom flintlock brought in by Mr. Gladstone–thank you for that, Will, although it is welded and thus more of a visual deterrent. Remains a pretty impressive barrel to stare down. Social Studies and Industrial Arts are, if anything, armed somewhat over the teeth, IA, in part, due to some pretty creative use of metal lathes from the Intro to Ballistics kids–btw, should anybody ask, IB is open only by invitation to those seniors passing both the counselors background check and the NRA youth handling, safety and reloads course. Social Studies, meanwhile, is pretty much populated by deer hunters, accounting for the pervasive smell of deer urine on the second floor west–from their equipment, not so much from Hank and Jerry themselves. The Science Department’s unabashed love for tasers and exotic explosives, while the best example of what applied science should be, can be somewhat problematic in an academic setting, if falling into the wrong hands. And I mean the Math department’s. Hah, just kidding, they’re great with plotting trajectories.
As requested by a number of you, I spoke with both Bill and Ed, who have agreed to stop sticking the .22 (Bill) and the over-and-under (Ed) in with their mops and brooms on their carts, and relegate them to the rack in the furnace room until needed. On the lighter side, Ms. Hotchkiss, from Home Ec, has a neat piece in this week’s bulletin on finding the right little sidearm for gals who may never have handled one before, (but wanted to, Edna?) along with some ideas for “cute little and oh-so-feminine crocheted holsters,” which, she adds, you gentlemen might use, as well, just call it a messenger bag.
One too many accidental discharges in the faculty lounge–enough said, Mr. Kosciusko. Frank, your quick draw reputation was never in doubt, rest assured you have nothing–further–to prove. Really. Let’s leave those safetys on, people. To clarify, again, food service personnel are not to pack anything but lunches. Hey, the food is weapon enough. Just kidding. But it is. For their part, they would appreciate, I am sure, fewer jokes about serving spoons serving as shivs, and cauldrons of boiling oil readied on the parapets, etc, in case of an event. Our thanks go out to food service, since an armed staff teaches on its belly.
Finally, just to refresh, in the event of a security event, you will be alerted over the PA by the phrase “Third hour will shortened, today only, while fourth hour will follow fifth hour, for an all school pep rally.” Need to hear all those words, in that sequence, before assuming your pre-assigned positions. And I don’t mean the couch in the faculty lounge, Herb. OK, that’s all she wrote, let’s be careful out there, people.

(c)2013 Michael Feldman

All the News That Isn’t

April 8, 2013


North Korea’s Kim Jong Un vows to restart the chocolate factory.

Satellite photos show massive movements of baking soda and vinegar indicating a possible North Korean missile launch.

Cruise ship Carnival Triumph sold to Disney lines becomes the SS Just Plain Goofy.

The Presidents compromise on gun control: guns but no bullets.

A second Republican comes out for same-sex marriage–I’m hearing wedding bells from the Senate Chapel!

Naturally, it will be same-party marriage for Republicans.

In North Dakota, life now begins with the gleam in daddy’s eye.

South Dakota now the morning-after state.

88,000 jobs created in March held by only 5 or 6 people. Some double-dipping going on here.

Warming temperatures melt 1600 years worth of ice in 25 years, but my wife still won’t give me a break.

Private parts ink for 3D printers all but impossible to find.

President Obama calls Kim Jong Un the best looking minor despot anywhere.

Fired Rutgers coach Mike Rice to guest on Evil Dead.

Patti Davis says that today her father Ronald Reagan might have married Sterling Hayden.

New “Lean In” book for men, “Suck It In,” out.

When teachers are armed only outlaws will have teachers.

Kraft’s squid ink Mac ‘n Cheese fails kids taste test.

Mainers say that’s just how they Zumba.

It appears that President HW Bush not on the Zumba list as first reported. Barbara, however, is.

Insiders say the iPhone 6 is prepaid and disposable.

Presidential initiative to map the brain a no-brainer.

Be a bitch refolding a brain map.

Now if they come up with a manual we’ll be in business.

Conservatives say the brain map is a complete waste of money since there’s only a hammer and anvil in there.

More Americans living together before marriage and fewer after.

In new “Finding Nemo” sequel Dory comes out as a flounder.

Walgreen Clinics expand to intensive care, aisle 6, next to hair and nail care.

Hillary’s new memoir: “It Takes a State Department.”

Hillary will only run in 2016 if the pictures of her in black frames go away.

In the AP stylebook “illegal immigrant” is now “not from around here.”

The morning after pill is now all ages and a rainbow of flavors–wild berry, mango tango, polar ice and bubblelicious–to name just a few.

KFC now has chicken without bones, although you can still get a side of bones. Eventually–no bones, no chicken, just grease and the Colonel’s secret herbs and spices . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .