Archive for March 2013

all the tweets that aren’t

March 19, 2013

sc exit polls find voters would rather date sanford than colbert’s sister
secret negotiations to trade kim jong un ps4’s for nukes
if he keeps nipping they may have to put karzai to sleep
why doesn’t europe pick on a bank its own size?
400 lb 7 foot ancient fish speaks to the size of ancient fishermen
office march madness could aid productivity or at least not hurt it any
women still do majority of housework but today’s man cleans a lot more than eisenhower
a lot of people think cyprus is where legoland is
obama library in hawaii? that’s convenient
lulus see through yo ga pants
tsa now requiring lulus yoga pants
think the wife is hard try finding something for iraq on 10th anniversary
iraq never took to liberation like france did
march in like a lion out like a lion
tea party & rnc fight for republican lack of soul
this is winter storm enough already
called a winter wonderland because you wonder why you stay
the winter of our disconnect
getting the grade c flake now so it shouldn’t be much longer
this is odd the snow is starting to fall up
much more & I’m going to clamp on the skis–that can only be bad
I’m thinking a snow blowing flash mob
I go to the roof it’s to jump not to shovel
snow shoveling postponed due to inclement weather
not sure if I’m snowed in or snowed out
a smoke & a big gulp shall never pass the lips of mayor bloomberg
at popes inaugural beyonce lip syncs don’t cry for me, argentina
al gore pointedly omitted from the queen elizabeth prize for creating the internet
just imagine what slim gates would be like
one thing about the bates motel though the bathrooms were sparkling
hi, norman? I’m afraid there’s no shower curtain in the bathroom
our cruise ship? why, we’re on the carnival cyprus bank holiday
straw poll shows rand paul filled with straw
some believe walker/ryan ticket would open 7th seal of apocalypse
hillary clinton supports gay marriage, now just a question of finding a good fit
funny, cyprus was the one thing I wasn’t worried about
in ncaa it’s ole miss vs ole wiss
someday soon you will not only own a drone but be able to declare your neighbor a terrorist
ted cruz’s ‘count me a proud wacko bird’ could be a turning point
pope francis is old school, will type & mimeo his social media
as a franciscan the pope is more gate than balcony
sarah palin brought down the cpac house with her impersonation of julianne moore
looking forward to president paul’s 12 hr inaugural address
at the top & bottom of the food chain, the giant sea cucumber uses its rear end as a second mouth
that’s all the tweets that aren’t . . .

Boy, Am I Hacked

March 18, 2013

Boy Am I Hacked

An cadet unknown at People’s Liberation Army Unit 61398 near Shanghai has enough of me by now for a knockoff Michael Feldman. Why an elite crew boasting not only the infamous UglyGorilla but the legendary SuperHard would bother with the likes of NotMuchU is hard to figure, unless it’s a case of mistaken stolen identity–they may have thought they had the Michael Feldman who worked for Al Gore, or the “see Canadian politician” dude. You know there’s something wrong in Pudong, New Area, when Unit 61398 hacks someone so not an advance persistent threat (APT) into so pitifully few bytes. In hindsight, perhaps I should never have shown interest in certain powders and balms from Canadian Drugstore (surprisingly) in Kowloon, but, heck, worked as well as anything. No doubt red-flagged that one. No unusual activity on the Discover card, yet, but I’m pretty certain they hacked my eBay account and now know I have a number of buyer transaction comments still begging (“great to deal with, quick to ship!”). The lads from Luwan are probably chuckling, even as we keystroke, over my medical records, and soon shall roll in their cubicles with my softcore TSA scans. Unit 61398 cadets, you’d think, have some discretion in this transgression, and would know how arbitrary credit reports, driving records, and legal judgments are, and that your permanent record is not. The exchanges with Manti Te’o, OK, not so easily explained.

You don’t have a lot of recourse once you’ve been 61398’d. There’s an 86 number you can call which Google Earth shows as a nondescript warehouse on Wuyi Middle Road, Fuzhou City, Fujian Province, for all appearances a plant of chemical manufacture, catalysts and cosmetics and such, not connected with the PLA Web Academy. The folks over at Great Firewall Internet were of no help whatsoever, and, in fact, blocked me. I would simply like to know–feel I’m owed an explanation–whether or not I have been compromised, and, if so, how often, and with what mutuality. The Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesman Hong Lei says my fears are groundless, but that’s what she said. Hong, however, is entirely correct in saying hacking is against the law in China, but neglects to mention the word conveys a somewhat different meaning in Chinese. 破解 means more “to hack, slash, hew, severe, separate from self, break off, rip off, dismember” which, we all can agree, should be against the law except in self defense. China, itself, claims to be the real victim here, besieged as it is by a massive number of cyber attacks, hacks and denial of what little service there is, but there is little likelihood this is anything as dedicated to the task as Unit 61398. More likely, just a 13 year old from Sandusky from his souped-up PS3 mini between classes. Elite American hackers seem to be content with breaking into Burger King and leaving Mickey D posts, although it’s not inconceivable that we have a unit of Jump Street stoners hacking the Chinese to get our stuff back.

Still, the question left unanswered is what becomes of all the Shanghaied Michael Feldmans of the world, virtual selves adrift without so much as a word of Chinese or renminbi to their name, and precious few to their namesake’s. What do I tell them?

Michael Feldman

All the News That Isn’t

March 11, 2013

It’s a gaggle of geese, a conclave of cardinals.
Conclave finally underway in Vatican City after Rand Paul gives up his filibuster.
Talk about drones.
Physician catheterize thyself.
Or do like Strom did–discrete use of spittoons.
Kind of funny the conclave would start on Shabbes. But God forgives.
A democratic conclave–Cardinals of every hue.
50 shades of Cardinal.
What held things up: 115 Cardinals, 114 name tags.
Arguing about their per deus.
Usual Cardinals vs Ordinals kind of thing.
There was some discussion of going to a COO instead of Pope, but POO didn’t scan.
Small faction pushing for a People’s Choice Pontiff.
The Conclave would’ve started earlier but nobody wanted to miss the Real Housewives of Vatican City.
I don’t know, don’t see this much attention for Israel Bond drives.
In other News That Isn’t—
North Korea’s Kim Jong Un warns of a preemptive Mothra attack on the US.
New feature film Kim Jong Oz bombs at box office.
It’s not punishment enough to have Osama bin Laden for a father in law?
President’s dinner with senators a good first step, let’s see how the dancing goes.
Polar bear parts trade seems to be Canadians dark side.
In NFL combine news, there’ll be no more asking “do you like girls?” The only thing you can say now is “do these pads make me look fat?”
Only permissible to ask the center if he likes girls.
When the quarterback yells out “Blue 58!” that means “Do you like girls?”
Girls, shmirls, what you don’t want is an ankle-tackler.
Have an uneasy feeling we’ll see Hugh Jackman in the Hugo Chavez musical, “Hugo!”
The Crayola people will be preserving President Chavez.
Same guys who did Kim Jong Il–do good work.
Main effect of sequester so far is to cancel Romney’s tour of the White House. So Occupy White House is out.
Budget whiz Paulie Ryan says universal no CPR will save billions. Plus, you get the inheritances.
Guess the Do Not Resuscitate Rest Home is out for gram.
A lot of rest homes are no CPR no CPA.
On Wall Street, the bulls rampage in our little china shop.
Small knives now permitted on airliners, although with the TSA furloughs we’ll see the occasional machete and/or Bowie knife.
Only problem I see is if Crocodile Dundee flies coach.
You can bring a hockey stick but not toothpaste onboard, so if you can brush your teeth with a hockey stick you’re in luck.
Time-Warner accidentally spins off both Time and Warner.
Forbes billionaire list is out–if the Koch brothers (tied at 6) could share organs, they’d be hard on the heels of #1 Carlos Slim.
Silvio Berlusconi offered a year in prison or president of Italy.
Global temperatures the highest in 4,000 years, but you’ve got to take the long view.
Some suggestion that Kraft Mac & Cheese is not florescent yellow orange in nature.
Fox News head Roger Ailes calls Joe Biden “dumb as an ashtray.” I have met an ashtray, and it is no Joe Biden, and
Disney to use original cast for Star Wars VII, even though Luke Skywalker now uses a walker, Carrie Fishes only fits in the Chewbacca outfit, and Harrison Ford will be more Hans Assisted-Living than Solo.


All the News That Isn’t

March 4, 2013


Right now we’re looking at Honeymoon II on Titanic II, or, possibly, the Carnival Mars Triumph cruise.

Titanic II could be interesting if there’s an Iceberg II. Titanic II is so authentic even the same lack of lifeboats.

There will be steerage II on Titanic II.

As for Mars, I don’t know, that’s a long shot. She won’t even go to Florida with me, she’s going to go to Mars?

I think there will be other couples, so that would help. She’s OK as long as there are witnesses.

In other news that isn’t–

Pope emeritus reclines red-slippers up in an Armani track suit with a bottle of Pellegrino watching Golden Girls.

Can finally relax now that he’s not infallible anymore.

Hired the butler back. Living on campus, even if he flew the 100 yards by helicopter to the new place. Nice–not as–but nice.

Had to give up the papal twitter, but his eminence can now be found @joeratzinger.

Meanwhile, the Vatican Pope Combine goes on–peppy little Cardinal from Brazil getting a lot of looks–good footwork, snappy 40 yard processional.

Italians want it back pretty bad. After a Pole, than a German, a lot of sentiment for bringing the cup back home!

Conventional wisdom says the next Pope white, male and Catholic. 10-1 Italian.

Only one likely American candidate–Donald Trump.

In other news that isn’t—

Manti Te’o impresses scouts from eHarmony at NFL Combine. Little slow in the 40 due to all the texting.

Sequester is on–first automatic cut: Congress.
Next: the Executive Branch.

Will leave Tony Scalia pretty much in charge, unless he opts for Pope.

The United States of America: Too Big to Succeed.

Google could run the whole thing with logarithms.

Secretary of State Kerry offers swift boats to Syrian opposition.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says head not stuck in sand, won’t say where is stuck.
But there’s an app for it.

Fukushima tuna have amazing shelf life.

Dennis Rodman says Kim Jong Un the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.

For Kim, one glimpse of Rodman in a wedding dress and zing went the strings of his heart.

Should have know something funny about the IKEA Man O’ War Meatballs.

Supreme Court reconsiders Voting Rights Act, next will take a look at Suffrage.

Joe Biden has arrived in Vatican City to fill in as Vice Pope.

Sequester magically transformed into Silver Linings Playbook.

Some Cardinals mistakenly return to Capistrano instead of Vatican City.

The Vatican gift shop stripped of everything except a couple of JPII jar openers.

In a perfect world, Jodi Arias would hookup with Oscar Pistorius, for a brief time be Jodi Arias-Pistorius.

The President has signed the sequester bill, but, cleverly, as Luke Skywalker, and

Here in Wisconsin, Governor Walker gets the mine, Badgers get the shaft . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .