Archive for February 2013

All the News That Isn’t

February 18, 2013


Asteroid misses Hartford by 17,490 miles, Slinger by 17,492.

When your dog barks at an asteroid you know it came close.

Koch brothers hoping for an asteroid hit so they could mine it.

In shocking finale, Downtown Abbey ends on ambiguous note in New Jersey diner.

Tiger Woods tells President Obama nice to see you play well again.

Time again, already, for the annual Carnival Survivors Cruise.

First sequester, then spring break.

Hopefully, Congress will be the first of the automatic cuts.

Adjusting to Gay Olympics now the only alternative for Olympic wrestlers when sport dropped.

President Obama has prepared an alternative immigration plan under which immigrants leave the country.

More users observed taping 2 iPhones together for bigger screen.

Lot of folks have been fooled by the iFaux.

French introduce 3D horsemeat printer.

To come out of bankruptcy Readers Digest will shrink its articles to 140 characters and renew itself as Tweeters Digest.

Brewer Ryan Braun arrives in camp a bit late after stopping to pick up a prescription in Miami.

Manti Te’o has been dropped by his internet provider.

40,000 protestors tell Washington to get fracked.
Won’t be long before it’s back to having to pick out an outfit for Pope Benedict.

New Beyonce special on HB0: Life is But a sfu.

Dental calculus is not plaque, it’s used to figure how much they can sock you for.

Tough one—divorce Kim Kardashian or play in the NBA playoffs?

Wisconsin Governor Walker’s 1% education increase means milk money for public schools and cream for charters, and

Knut the polar bear: only the first in a disturbing trend of stuffed celebrities?

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .


The Wrong Side of the Tracks–Semi Twang

February 14, 2013

The Wrong Side of the Tracks

All the News That Isn’t

February 11, 2013


Pope looking forward to being Joe Ratzinger again.

Car parks across England searched for Richards I and II.

They reconstructed the skull of Richard III, and it turned out to be Jimmy Hoffa.

Residents of Yorkshire have been asked to call the Royalty Hotline before digging.

Newt Gingrich does State of the Union guest shot in Speaker’s seat behind President Obama just to slump and make faces one last time.

President Obama’s State of the Union this time draws heavily from Arabian Nights. The President’s recurring theme: Drone Sweet Drone.

On and on and on with the drone, already.

Court extends second amendment rights to drones.

Post Office amends motto to neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor Saturdays.

The Post Office should leave Saturdays and cut Monday through Friday.

Meanwhile, Reform Judaism is looking for a few good mail carriers who now have Shabbes open.

Mussolini within margin of error of victory in Italian elections.

Turns out a lot of what we think to be French horsemeat is actually Polish.
But, in a blind taste test, people could not tell the difference.

OK, horsemeat lasagna is not appealing, but what do you expect when you buy Flicka Italian Entrees?

Vatican OK with the 20 hours of TV before sex method.

None of this winter weather was a problem before the Weather Channel began naming storms.

Did they really mean Nemo? The Disney Fish that Talks Like Albert Brooks Winter Storm?

Orco’s next. Orco’s the Basque Thunder God, but still. Will it play in Osseo?

And then, get this, Winter Storm Plato. A Platonic weather event. That’s cold.

Nemo is not what we’re calling it here, if we’re calling it anything. Just the usual “Another day in paradise” and off we trudge.

The Weather Channel is forbidden to use the name Winter Storm Feldman.

25 billion iTunes sold, but a good billion or more are Happy Birthday and other special occasion tunes–Hava Nagila, Hawaiian Wedding Song and Chant, the Chicken Dance, Let Me Entertain you, etc. That’s at least 5 billion right there.

The Brewer’s Ryan Braun appears on a clinic list in Miami, but, Jewish man, even a young one, goes in for a consult at a Miami anti-aging clinic, totally conceivable. They serve you sesame seed bagels while you wait, voila!

Chris Christie laughs about his weight on Letterman, because you know fat people. What I like about Christie is he’s never morbidly obese, always happily.

The Monopoly people will have to pry the tiny iron out of my cold dead mortgaged to the hilt hand.

You can now take your guns to church in Arkansas, but, please, no bullets on the collection plate.

Obviously background checks don’t work if Wayne La Pierre can pass one.

Sad Valentine’s Day for Manti Te’o without all the e-cards.

Manti does make you wonder what’s left out between the e and the o.

Shahs of Sunset being groomed for return to power in Iran.

The Boy Scouts will hold a May Gay Jamboree this year. First time they’ve celebrated May Gay.

Congress looking at random spending cuts instead of automatic ones.

To sequester or not to sequester, that is the sequestion.

President Obama has been shooting skeet in case they let him into the club.

CBS Grammy dress code restriction on butt-cracks seals the fate of any singing plumbers.

Republicans toy with electable candidates.

The late Fidel Castro says Hugo Chavez has never looked better, and

Our common ancestor turns out to be a rat with a furry tail—her side, maybe . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t

little iron

All the News That Isn’t

February 4, 2013


Beyonce wears that outfit to the Inaugural nobody notices she’s not singing.

Beyonce was great, but what a time to forget your pants.

Baltimore Harbaughs take it to the San Francisco Harbaughs.
East Coast/West Coast thang.

Whatever else you can say about Ray Lewis, at least he doesn’t point to God after creaming somebody.

Had two sisters been coaching would’ve been a much bigger story.

Close game, though–Jack must have treated those 2 boys pretty equal.

Recall on Mercedes Superdomes–wiring problem.

In other news–

Republicans welcome immigrants with open guns.

NRA’s Wayne LaPierre has never heard of a silencer.

Senate gun bill covers everything but guns.

Space monkey returns to day job as president of Iran.

President Obama offers contraception compromise: withdrawal with prejudice.

Birth control one of those things you hate to compromise on.

Boy Scouts offer Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell badge.

Next for the Boy Scouts–Jews. Yet to meet a Jew who can tie a knot.

John Kerry approved as Secretary of State without anybody asking “why the long face”?

Housing prices on the rise–up to $40 on Mediterranean Avenue. Still sluggish on Baltic.

Grandma, what big retina displays you have!

Lindsay Vonn rubbing off on Tiger Woods.

Economy contracts on weak gun sales outside the US. Guys, save some for export!

The Calm Act, supposed to lower the volume of commercials, goes into effect.

The commercials are just as loud, but my hearing is softer.

Dow hits 14,000 but I don’t feel it. 14,000 what? Points? Like they used to have on the back of Tareytons? Must get something pretty good for 14,000 points.

Should Bud take over Modelo Brewing they will have to pry the Corona out of my cold dead mano.

Golfer VJ Singh admits using curry.

Last Manti Te’O joke: Manti Te’O admits torrid 2 year affair with Flo from Progressive Insurance, and

Ben Affleck nominated for Best Beard but Lincoln grabs Top Hat . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t