Archive for January 2013

All the News That Isn’t

January 28, 2013

1-28-13

So what if Beyonce lip-synched? What lips!

You try singing over the Marine Band. Not the harmonica, the whole band!

A House committee is looking into whether lip-synching is an impeachable offense.

Turns out Katie Couric is Manti Te’O’s fake girlfriend. Could’ve been worse–could’ve been Bill O’Reilly.

North Korea claims it has a workable Ding Dong and a Ho Ho capable of reaching the US.

John Kerry windsurfs during his confirmation hearing.

Not a single participant flies economy to the World Economic Forum.

Wall Street bobbing for Apple Stock.

Apple will turn this around with a bigger, cheaper iPhone the iSamsung Galaxy.

The new Happy Ending Republican party debuts with Reince Priebus happy talkin’ talkin’ happy talk.

Everybody and his brother now expects to coach in the NFL.

How can 2 brothers plan a Super Bowl when they can’t even agree on Thanksgiving? If it’s that hard to get to Mequon once a year, how about Thiensville?

The Chicago Allouettes–formerly da Bears–won’t be making it to the Super Bowl any time soon, but they’re a shoo-in for the Grey Cup. Providing the Argonauts and the Stampeders don’t get there first.

Hillary Clinton bangs head on table to make point at Benghazi hearing.

Hillary has been cleared for combat duty.

House passes the Wimpy “gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today” bill.

Next on North Korea’s hit list: Freedonia. Then, the Grand Duchy of Fenwick,

And, Sarah Palin, dropped by Fox, picked up by the Home Shopping Network . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t.
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All the News That Isn’t

January 22, 2013

All the News That Isn’t

The number of NRA members going to the tailor with bullet holes in their pants pockets increases tenfold.

National Rabbit Association sues NRA over trademark.

Then there’s the guy who escaped prison by carving a bar of soap into an NRA card.

The National Recovery Administration called and would like their initials back.

Some of the NRA youth do the sideways shooty thing, but the elders frown on it.

In other news that isn’t–

Still awaiting the analysis on Lance Armstrong’s tears.

That’s why they call it dope.

A bit shocking that the Livestrong bands were used to find a vein.

Maybe we should be looking into why so many grown men rides bikes in unitards.

Debt ceiling easy–just take the pill that makes you smaller.

Or get a debit ceiling card and let dad cover it.

President Obama back to doing the give ’em hell, Barry thing. Could be worse, could be doing Halley Berry.

You can stare down Congress, Mr. President, but it won’t work on Michelle.

Btw–I would have gone with the Wu, too.

Have to say nobody ever looked better in a high-waisted coat made of ties.

Chief Justice Roberts clearly relieved to not have sworn in Osama this time.

The President was sworn in on a stack o’ Bibles.

Highlight of his speech was the impassioned vow to put a man in Congress by the end of the decade.

Afterwards, mostly statues in Statuary Hall at the Congressional luncheon.

Later that night, doing Fred & Ginger on the Presidential seal.

I saw a man and he danced with his wife.

After the ball is over, the Boehner.

Elsewhere–

The French pick another fight. Not your pere’s French.

Whole Foods CEO Benito Mussolini compares Obamacare to Fascism.

No longer get to pose nude at the TSA scanner, but there is still a photo booth in the terminal.

Fecal implants a possibility? No . . . . kidding!

Had they let us bring lithium batteries on board, at least they would’ve had a spare.

787 working title was the Edselliner.

Manti Te’o’s girlfriend was Georgia Glass.

This whole thing is not so unusual–my wife is a hoax.

Why there is no Heisman trophy for girlfriends.

A lot of the ordained staff at Notre Dame have imaginary girlfriends, so they thought nothing of it.

Now just needs an imaginary team to draft him.

Da Bears now the Chicago Alouettes. Will practice with funny balls on an oddly shaped field.

Argentine mamas haul your daughters inside, Mark Sanford’s back.

Next, Weiner will spring up.

Dreamliner problems traced to lack of plastic shades.

Walmart buys $50 billion dollars worth of Made in USA crap, and

Changes are proposed for Scrabble letter values. They will have to pry the tiles out of my cold dead hand.

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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All the Inaugural News That Isn’t Special Edition

January 21, 2013

All the Inaugural News That Isn’t

The theme for President Obama’s second term will be Forwarder.

To underline his religious values the President was sworn in on a stack o’ imagesCAO5QIOSBibles.

In his speech the President made no mention of the debt ceiling or Michelle’s bangs.

Katy Perry had to be physically restrained from singing the national anthem.

A speech on Martin Luther King’s birthday that was more I Have a Good Night’s Sleep than I Have a Dream.

More Marvin Gaye than MLK as the president asked the throng with: Mother, mother everybody thinks we’re wrong/ Oh, but who are they to judge us simply because our hair is long?

Chief Justice Roberts very careful not to swear in Osama this time around.

President George HW Bush and Aretha Franklin, unable to attend due to health reasons, watched together from an assisted living condo in Houston.

No 21 gun salute given the current climate. NRA volunteered to do it, but some concern about them raising their rifles.

Notably absent due to chilly temperatures was Miss America, who assumed it was a swimsuit event.

Some fashionista chatter re: Michelle Obama’s Thome Browne dress made from neckties; Joan Rivers claimed they were her late husband Edgar’s.

President and Mrs. Obama attended Church’s Chicken before the ceremony.

Nothing but statues in the Statuary Hall for the Congressional Luncheon.

Katy Perry does a creditable if risqué job leading the inaugural parade clad in constitutional top and bill of rights short shorts.

While the Romneys were unable to clear the date to attend, they sent a ginormous Stonewall Kitchen jam, chutney and whoopie pie basket.

Just now learned my wife tore up my Inaugural Invitation thinking it was more begging from the DNC . . .

That’s All the Inaugural News That Isn’t, Special Edition.

13’s Through History

January 18, 2013

13’s

2013, to many triskaidekaphobes , sounds ominous, but the 13’s, throughout recorded history, have had their fair share of interesting moments, some of them even momentous–

1913–16th Amendment–the Income Tax–is ratified, if not embraced.
1813–US troops level Toronto in reprisal for the British White House arson.
1713– Juraj Janosik, the Slovak Robin Hood, is impaled on a hook by the Slovak Sheriff of Nottingham.
1613–In a sand pit near Grenoble, workers discover the 30 foot skeleton of Gallic giant king of the Teutons, Teutobochus, then misplace it.
1513–Ponce de Leon, searching for the Fountain of Youth, instead finds St. Augustine, Florida, known today for the Fountain of Oldth.
1413–Former wayward boy Henry V, inheriting the Crown and the Hundred Years War from Henry IV, surprises all by manning up and nearly conquering France.
1313–Wang Zhen, agronomist and inventor of moveable type, self-publishes the first printed book, the Nong Shu, or Book of Agronomy. If you must read one book in 1313 it is the Nong Shu.
1213–Pope Innocent III calls for a 5th Crusade to get Jerusalem back, instead gets Constantinople sacked.
1113–Pierre Abelard opens his school in Paris just so Heloise will one day walk in.
1013–King Sweyn I of Denmark invades England, quickly adds King Sweyn I of England to his string.
913– Byzantine Emperor Alexander, whose older brother Michael the Drunkard was passed over, dies after a one year reign highlighted by mandated boar worship.
813–Charlemagne names his eldest, Louis the Pious co-emperor of the Franks, despite his tedious appellation. To be fair, he was also called Louis the Fair.
713–Emperor Xuanzong, the lesser of the Tangs, manages to exhaust the Inexhaustible Treasury with massive and numerous brick and mortar tributes to himself.
613– Æthelfrith of Northumbria, the man who whipped the Britons into Englishmen, has less luck with the Welsh.
513–Saint Vigor shows how he got the name when, made Bishop of Bayeaux, he levels a pagan temple and celebrates mass on the rubble.
413–The Visigoths, on a roll under King Ataulf, conquer Toulouse and Bordeaux in France, out-vandalize the Vandals in the Iberian peninsula.
313–A plus and minus year for Maximinus, as the Emperor wins Turkey in the Spring and loses it in the fall.
213–Cao Cao, prime minister of the Han Dynasty, is deemed Wei Gong with 10 cities under his Gong, later known as the not-so-small Kingdom of Wei.
113–Pliny the Younger, lawyer and nephew, not son, of Pliny the Elder, dies from a badly timed visit to Pompeii, and, in the year
13–Jesus celebrates Bar Mitzvah. Jesus-Preaching-in-Temple

Salty Tears – Semi Twang

January 17, 2013

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All the News That Isn’t

January 14, 2013

1-14-13

Happy 2013. If you’re worried about the 13, remember, the first 13 was Jesus’ Bar Mitzvah!

Joe Biden holds pistol to his head, drags self out of NRA meeting saying, “do something, or the Veep gets it!”

Walmart comes around, agrees to Everyday Low Ammo.

Looks like only gun restriction this year will be on David Gregory.
Host of Meet the High Capacity Clip.

Joe Biden inaugurated in Venezuela in lieu of Hugo Chavez.

Russia offers Jerry Lewis citizenship.

After selling his cable network to Kuwaitis, it’s now Al Gore Jazeera.

Lawyers on ice at NHL opener. Should see their enforcers.

NRA willing to trade assault rifles for drones.

Nobody makes it into Baseball Hall of Fame, but the Steroid Hall of Fame overflows.

AIG to sue US for saving its assets. Like Rapunzel getting an injunction against the prince.

FAA throws Dreamliner under the Airbus.

Man mistakenly drops trillion dollar coin in Salvation Army Kettle. Had it in same pocket as the half dollar he was going to give.

Most of Justin Bieber’s problems come from hangin’ with pal L’il Blunts. Note: if it’s pink and the band says Double Bubble it is not a Blunt.

Although his music has been getting pretty psychedelic.

Django put forward for defense secretary.

Nominee for CIA so ugly he takes Paula Broadwell out of play.

In Sydney, a Kangaroo attempts to go through airport security with more than 3-3oz items in pouch.

The 40 billionth apple app is sold, of which 1,437 are in use.

17 billion earth sized planets and none of them are good enough for her.

Wisconsin’s Walker and Syria’s Assad make exactly the same speech.

Modern parenting found to hinder brain development in modern parents.

I’m landlord of the world’s largest pot shop and there’s a problem, I go down and talk with the guys.

Fighting Irish prove they’re ready for the Big 10.

All they led in was GPA’s.

Researchers find we lose at games because we’re no good at them.

Curiosity lander finds that under the red Mars is taupe.

Lance Armstrong leaves Oprah transfused.

They called the Titanic Dreamliner, too.

Oscar nominations are out and they’re Les Prettydarnhappyes at Les Miserables.

The Wisconsin version of which is called Les Nottoobadables.

Sally Field nominated for her role as the Flying Mary Todd Lincoln.

Lincoln got so many nominations they’re hold the Oscars at Ford’s Theater.

Argo is the fist time corn starch has been nominated for an Oscar.

Life of Pi gets 3.1415926535897932384626433 nominations, and

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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All the News That Isn’t

January 4, 2013

All the News That Isn’t
2013 a bad year for triskaidekaphobes & those trying to spell it. I like to think of it as the Bar Mitzvah year of the Millennium.
Republicans qualify for disaster aid.
Disaster aid vote the first time many congressmen have voted for something good.
Court gives Google carte blanchoogle.
DUI Senator: with a name like Crapo you’re going to drink.
Kim Jong Un to have young Un.
Real Housewives of al Qaeda this week on al Gore Jazeera.
Energy drinks don’t provide the energy it takes to drink them.
Unique Mars meteorite discovered to have imprint of Will Ferrell’s lighter.
If NFL musical chairs continues, Lovie may end up coaching Bears again.
Time Warner to bundle al Jazeera with Mother Angelica.
Forgive me if I’ve been a little short, but I’ve been losing .4 inches a decade according to the New York Times.
Peter Principle now the Boehner Principle.
Tea Party merges width Flat Earth Society.
If Ben Affleck runs, this whole thing could turn around.
Autopen from Waikiki not quite momentous signing for the Fiscal cliff bill I imagined. Do you pass out autopens remotely after signing?
Chris Christie Whack a Moles congress.
Israeli law mandates zaftig models, and
Oxycontin comes out with a Rush-proof tablet.

That’s All the News That Isn’t
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