Archive for December 2012

12 Jokes for 12 months in 12

December 19, 2012

12 Jokes/12 Months/for ’12

January

Hopefuls lineup more Donner than Republican Party.

February

So, those were sesame seed bagels on the end of Ryan Braun’s bat?

March

Final battle for the nomination down to Mitt vs. Romney.

April

Hookergate: Secret Service always willing to take one for the President.

May

The Scream goes for $120 million–Mr. Bill, priceless.

June

Queen Elizabeth’s reign only 8 in corgi years.

July
Chick-fil-A says marriage between one hen and one rooster.
August
Romney people tell Ryan stop referring to healthcare plan as Medicide.

September

Lingerie League refs leave NFL, so wedgies will no longer be called.

October

Apple chief apologizes for maps from dead end in Compton.

November

OK, so who gets the binders of women?

December

Supreme Court considering same sex marriage—likeliest couple Scalia and Roberts, although Ginsberg and Kagan not out of the question.

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All the News That Isn’t

December 17, 2012

12-17-12

The most unusual thing about the North Korean satellite is it only orbits North Korea.

Now North Dakota’s going to want its own satellite.

This just in, the North Korean satellite has provoked extra-terrestrials to invade our galaxy.

Americans behind President Obama on the fiscal cliff and pushing.

Patriot missiles have been deployed to the fiscal cliff.

Fickle Cliff, at least we’d have a chance.

Poll finds women have more problem with body image than fiscal cliff. The exception being women who tend to put on weight around the fiscal cliff.

Obama to Boehner: call me maybe.

Next in Michigan: right to kick yourself in the butt.

Right to work yourself over.

Right to shirk.

Be real surprised if this labor climate doesn’t bring back Henry Ford.

In other news,

Greece sold for parts.

Pope tweets DANIEL CRAIG BEST BOND YET. In caps–well, he’s a newbie.

Figures that the Pope only follows himself.

Can’t wait till he’s on Craigslist. All that designer stuff.

Some progress as President Obama has fossilized lizard named after him.

Space telescope peers back to when it was just a gleam in Hubble’s eye.

Rice got to be Condoleeza to get anywhere in this country.

President’s short list to head State Department:

Secretary of State Oprah.
Secretary of State Rihanna.
Some movement for Ndamukong Suh.
Larry King’s not doing much. Knows a lot of people.

Groundswell for Secretary of State Bilbo Baggins.

Please, not John Kerry “Deputy Dogging” it around the world.

John Kerry walks into the bar. Horse says, why the long face?

Methane river on Saturn’s moon Titan named Cuyahoga.

President Obama will not go after Colorado and Washington for legalizing pot, but he will go.

Mercedes worth half of BMW–I’ll take two!

McAfee held in maximum security suite for ninety day trial.

In hissy fit, NASA smashes spacecraft into moon.

Snoop Dogg down to 81 blunts a day.

Bounty suspensions against New Orleans dropped since Saints are their own worst enemy.

Upside of Justin Bieber castration threat: would gain an octave.

Only surprise–didn’t come from Selena.

And, the UW Badgers going to the Rose Bowl again! That’s great, but a close second is Minnesota going to the Meineke Muffler Bowl . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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In Defense of Santa Claus

December 12, 2012

In Defense of Santa Claus

The Christmas parade used to come right down Center Street in Milwaukee—a half block from our house—and one year, I was seven or eight, I crawled under one of the cream puff Pontiacs in the Uptown used car lot (our Christmas lights were the bulbs strung over the car lots endemic to our neighborhood) to sneak a peek at Santy. He wasn’t ours, of course, and when I crawled out from under the front bumper and he seemed to wave at me in passing, I felt like a fraud. It wasn’t a question of whether Santa existed or not, but more like whether I did. I had Santa envy, bad. Mom did take me to Gimbel’s to get my picture taken with him when I was about three (couldn’t find that picture when we cleaned out mom’s things—and it was the one I wanted most!) and one Chanukah we even hung stockings from the mantle, but it was a fake fireplace and nothing came of it. Come to think of it, I don’t know which came first, the revelation that there may have been no Santa Claus or that we were Jewish and it was a moot point. For a while I thought Rabbi Twerski was our Santa Claus, since not only was he a ringer for him, he was all sweetness, light, and generosity. I just never brought it up during my Bar Mitzvah mahfter studies.
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In fact, St. Nicholas, with his white beard and black robes, very much resembled a rabbi, although it must be said that he was Bishop of Myra in the fourth century, in what is now Turkey. There, through his beneficence and courageous interventions on behalf of the poor and disenfranchised, he became the most venerated saint of the middle ages; protector of the poor, sailors, charitable and benevolent organizations, merchants, pawnbrokers (?), unmarried women and, above all, children, whose lives he saved and families he fed in his miracles. Nicholas was the benefactor of children in a time when childhood did not even exist, let alone any protections for the young. St. Nicholas gave away his personal fortune to those in need, riding into legend on a white horse, putting little toys or cinders, as appropriate, in children’s boots left outside their doors. St Nick was sometimes accompanied by the needlessly scary ogre Krampus, who apparently was bad cop to his good. Neglected after the Reformation, Nicholas holed up in Holland as Sinterklaas, and even adapted to the changing times, often sailing into Amsterdam harbor at the wheel of a steamboat filled with presents and, of course, more than enough coal left over. Sinterklaas sailed with the Dutch colonists to New Amsterdam, where, like so many immigrants, his name was Americanized not to Jack Nicklaus as you might have expected but to Santa Claus, which stuck. Santa was soon was recognized in the New World, as he had been in the Old, as the personification of benevolence, good will, and giving during Christmas, and at other times as needed.

Times like these! Merry Christmas!

All the News That Isn’t

December 10, 2012

12-10-12

Supreme Court considering same sex marriage—likeliest couple Scalia and Roberts, although Ginsberg and Kagan not out of the question.
Republemmings streaming over fiscal cliff.
Speaker Boehner toes over the edge as members yell “jump!”
Negotiations deadlocked as Republicans propose 47% cut across the board.
Dems counter with offer to eat half the rich, nationalize Koch industries.
Metaphor makers desperately search for Fiscal Cliff alternative–rejected so far: Fiscal Root Canal, Fiscal Canard, Fiscal Molehill, Axis of Fiscal, Iron Fiscal Curtain, Fiscal Fistula and Fiscal Wailing Wall.
Good news is Mayan Apocalypse hits before the Fiscal Cliff.
President Obama holds fast in negotiations with the Mayans.
This is the new Give ‘Em Hell, Barry!
Down to wrangling over who the fiscal cliff will bury when it crumbles.
In other news that isn’t—
Egyptian Spring–for cover.
Big year for Maryland—same sex marriage and the Big 10 in the same year!
Apple denies building 20 Macs in the US just window dressing.
You can smoke pot in Washington but you can’t blow it into Oregon.
They just have to wait for the Chinook winds to bring it over.
I don’t know, you can kill yourself in Oregon but you can’t take a toke first.
Should be OK in Washington, if they just wouldn’t all smoke under the Space Needle.
Personally, I don’t want to be high and a lumberjack.
Or high and the guy who throws the fish at the Seattle market.
Big deal though—like Arizona making Viagra over the counter.
Billion and a half dollars to fly to the moon, so pretty much just the Koch brothers and Sheldon Adelson up there. Just an asteroid flyby for me, tops.
Catch-22 for retirement age—every time you reach it they raise the number of missions.
In the Senate, De Mint has left de pillow.
De Mint will head the Heritage Foundation for Men.
This leaves our own Paulie Ryan the closest thing to a conservative intellectual in Congress.
Binge gene found, researcher checking phone to see where he might have left it.
Happy for the royals, but for once like to hear something about a commoner baby.
So much goodwill over royal baby now the Assads are thinking of having one.
Pope and Lady Gaga flaming one another on twitter.
Former Wisconsin coach Bielema now rooting with Razorbacks while Barry Alvarez frantically goes through his trunk for coaching sweats . . .
That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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Best Sellers of 2112

December 10, 2012

Best Sellers of 2112

–1 Shade of Grey
–The I’m Good Games
–Killing President O’Reilly
–Holy Hundred and Six by Janet Evanovich
–Heaven is Real But Sucks by the late Todd Burpo.

Tina’s Puggleisms

December 6, 2012

Tina’s Puggleisms

1.Don’t kid youself there’s a lot of food value in poop. And boy is it yummy.
2. Dad says I’d be a great shortstop if I could figure out how to throw the ball. Ha dad.
3. I feel more pug than beagle except I can do the yapping and prancing around thing which is pure beagle.
4. Never met a dog I didn’t like unless it’s Yitzhak the German Shepherd next door. Dad calls him Himmler.
5. A really good treat goes right outside. Just how I feel about it.
6. Snowballs. Cause when you get them you can eat them.
7. My mouth is only 7/8 as big as a tennis ball or I’d get more on a fly.
8. No I didn’t have any doggie dreams and I wish he’d stop asking.
9. Yeah, I like being the only dog. Come on.
10. Love wading, hate swimming, will if I have to.
11. Door was scratched up long before I got here.
12. Like it here but get a better offer might take it.
13. Puggles think of their age in people years.
14. How many of these do you want? Treat?
15. Did I mention how yummy poop is?
16. Maybe the only thing I don’t like is a pig’s ear. Pig’s ear does not say treat to me.
17. Nobody ever told me if my birth mother was a pug or a beagle and, while it doesn’t make any difference, I’d sort of like to know.
18. I like the kind 3 dog foods ago.
19. Dad likes it when I hump my bed and mom and the girls don’t and try to stop me. What’s the deal; it’s my bed.
And finally, and I mean that, 20. My butt itches and I’m really tired of having to drag it down a hill to scratch it, mom.
tina

All the News That Isn’t

December 3, 2012

12-3-12

So, then, the Romney free lunch at the White House–wouldn’t that be an entitlement? Better declare it on his taxes, if any.

Turns out he’s part of the 47% he was complaining about.

In other News that Isn’t . . .

Charges that Egyptian president Morsi seeks to be Pharaoh increase when constitution written in hieroglyphics.

If he’s OK with the embalming, let him be Pharaoh.

Something pretty bad must have happened to the Egyptians to be that touchy about Pharaohs.

Don’t get it–Jews did all the work on the pyramids. That’s why we got out of the trades.

Two winners in the Powerball 600 million dollar tax liability.

One was a mechanic–boy, are his rates going up. Million/hr?

Palestine gets upgrade from Isnotrael.

Hamas leader to star in 77 Gaza Strip.

President Obama makes counter-intuitive plea to avoid economic chaos from the Tinkertoy factory.

It’s a Fiscal Cliffhanger.

Republemmings starting to stream over the edge.

It’s manmade, so not truly a cliff. More of a Fecal Cliff.

Maybe if we all stopped saying Fiscal Cliff it would just go away.

Speaker Boehner is playing Whack-a-Mole in the house.

The Weather Channel names its first winter storm Bejeezers.

European Union trades Greece to Third World for a country to be named later.

Geneticists say half of all human mutations have occurred since the advent of the Tea Party. Ironically, people who don’t believe in evolution are evolving the most.

New home sales stagnant and don’t smell too good either.

Republicans continue to believe Benghazi is a red state.

Beginning to lose patience with Lindsay Lohan. Liz Taylor got past National Velvet, Lindsay has to get past Mean Girls.

Looks like Lindsay Lohan is out of the running for Secretary of State.

North Korean missile capable of hitting South Korea collides with South Korean missile capable of hitting North Korea.

New plan for the Fiscal Cliff from the English Department: call it Heathcliff and let Emily Bronte deal with it.

Don’t Tickle-Me Elmo sales surge for Christmas.

Rutgers Red Knights and Maryland Terrapins rush to assemble football programs before entering Big 10.

Madison West will join Big 10 soon as they’re all 18.

Cows struck by milk truck in Green County adding insult to injury.

One would hope the rest home cafeteria was not picking mushrooms from the lawn for their soup.

Chicago man who wrestled a goose into his SUV says he was going to take it to his brother’s right after his soccer game.

PGA bans belly putters just when I get the belly for one.

Guy could sink a pretty long putt with this belly.

Huge oil discovery leads to the United Arab Inuits.

Small business owners pessimistic, but, then, maybe they shouldn’t go into small business.

Consumers optimistic they can spend as little as possible.

Scientists discover new smell, can’t tell where coming from.

UW Badgers win their last Big 10 championship before they have to face Rutgers to get there.

And, no deer for Wisconsin Governor Walker this hunt, but he did bag a home ec teacher and a pretty good sized veteran . . . .
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That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .