Archive for November 2012

Chanukahmas

November 27, 2012

Chanukahmas

Christmas can be a trying time of the year for interfaith couples. Unless one of you can force the other to convert, it pays to show a little sensitivity toward the other person’s traditions, no matter how much pagan mumbo jumbo they seem to be. Holiday traditions mean a lot to people, particularly people in retail, so if yours is a mixed marriage (by that I mean two different religions, not a marriage between a man and a woman), here are some tips:

1. Remember, neither the Old nor the New Testament records lightning striking a house just because it had a Christmas tree. But, just in case, ground it. If a Christ¬mas tree gives you problems, just hang little dreidels on it and think of it as a marketplace of ideas. And, since there’s usually a star on top anyway, so it has six points? As to the type of tree, compromise–get a yew. Do try to keep in mind that a Jewish spouse coming home to a wreath on the door is subject to cardiac arrest, and then you’ll need two wreaths on the door.

2. A creche is pretty hard to disguise, even if you call it a lawn ornament. But try it—and put out a couple of deer as well, and maybe a reflecting globe. You might fol¬low the example of some town halls that have avoided legal challenges to their creches by putting a cutout of a Jewish pediatrician in with the baby. The miracle then becomes the fact that he makes house calls.

3. Strings of lights around the house are pretty easily explained, since you’re on the approach to the airport any-way. Just tell your spouse it’ll lower your homeowner’s. Stockings next to the fireplace won’t generally raise the hackles of a Jewish mate unless they’re stuffed with rosaries. Panties, no. Another tip: use support hose; his mother did. Don’t push your luck by expecting even a reform Jewish spouse to get up on the roof to install the plywood Santa and reindeer. Jesus, after all, was the last Jewish carpenter.

4. As for holiday music, why not meet each other half-way with Barbra Streisand doing “Little Drummer Boy,” followed by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir’s spirited version of “Yentl”? “Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire” is also a nice choice because Mel Torme could have been Jewish. A word to the Jewish spouse: they can’t make you go to the “Sing-Along Messiah,” and since you don’t know the words or tune, an excellent case can be made for leaving you at home. If you do go, don’t worry when everybody gets all worked up. If they light torches, worry.

5. Relax about going over to your spouse’s family for your first Christmas. You’ll come back. And you’ll be a metric wrench set and a pair of sorrel boots richer. Remember, to your non-Jewish spouse, “exchanging presents” does not mean returning them to the store. At least not right away. Christmas cards should be in good taste and two-dimensional. They should never say “One of us wishes you a Merry Christmas,” but, rather, something seasonal, such as “Cold enough for you?” If you are celebrating your first Chanukah, don’t buy scented candles or light beer by mistake. (“I said, ‘Festival of Lights,’ not ‘Bud Lights.'”) Don’t worry if at first the significance of the holiday escapes you: the miracle of the oil lasting eight days in the temple will soon take on meaning as you try to stretch the few dollars left in your account after celebrating both holidays. ##

All the News That Isn’t

November 19, 2012

11-19-12

The question is, do you want a good biography or don’t you?

OK, “All In” was unfortunate, but still.

Just because Eisenhower did it is no excuse. I mean, look at Mamie.

At least they could throw the grunts a bone once in a while. Lucky to get a shave and a haircut.

So far Bill Clinton has not weighed in.

Should all be between General Petraeus and Mrs. General Petraeus. And the Taliban’s got nothing on Holly.

Made him head of the Secret Service, this wouldn’t have been a problem.

Guess Joint Chiefs is out.

General Petraeus testified that he knew a nice little bed and breakfast in Benghazi.

Pat Robertson cited scripture, saying “And the Lord sayeth, hey, a guy’s a guy.”
If you can be a fisher of men, I guess you can be fisher of women.

In other News That Isn’t . . .

Romney closer to conceding Florida. Had to wait till the 15th for tax purposes.

Mr. Romney has doubled down on his Obama gift-giving charge, saying he gave:
Swag to Blacks,
Tchotchkes to Jews,
Energy drinks to young people,
Lederhosen to Germans,
Spam to Hawaiians and
Red Man to Nascar voters.

Getting late in the game, and so far the Romneys have only received Christmas cards from Bain Capital and the Tabernacle building fund.

A planet with no solar system found lost in space has been dubbed Romneyus.

Cholesterol linked to dementia, which explains why cows stand around and chew when there’s no cud in their mouths.

New Improved Republicans come around on immigration–will let Mexicans entering the US play through to Canada.

Speaking of which, if all 50 states secede the vacuum will suck Canada into Mexico.

New phrase enters the language: “Feeling like Jill Kelley without a base pass.”

Daniel Day Lewis assassinates Lincoln again.

United’s Commodore 64 system goes down again, although the pong is still working.

At JFK, $2 million in iPad minis stolen in a case just this big!

Microsoft insiders say Ballmer didn’t fire Sinofsky, he ate him. Hence, Windows Ate.

GOP boss in Maine now says it was probably moose and not black voters coming out of the woods on election day.

In a dramatic if incoherent farewell, Ron Paul says, “The time has come to talk of many things–of shoes, of ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings.”

Obama and Boehner picnic on Fiscal Cliff. Lots of tears in the beers.

Calls to bailout Hostess as too Twinkie to fail.

Breaking Dawn Part 2 leaves Breaking Wind Part 2 behind.

The first video game for dogs Call of Doo-Doo released.

Man had spears a half-million years ago, but didn’t hit anything for the first 100,000.

New Cracker-Jack’d is caffeinated, and has tiny cigarettes as prizes.

At the start of gun season in Wisconsin, deer hunters are encouraged to report any marijuana fields they find to the other guys at deer camp–but, remember, gentlemen, when you’re high every deer is Bambi . . .

And That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

deer stand

Thanksgiving Prayer

November 16, 2012

Dessert Errata
A PRAYER OF THANKSGIVING

Go resignedly to the folks’ remembering it’s just for a few hours. Though you must make appearances at her side as well as your own, eat with as much relish as you can muster, for this, too, shall pass. Choose carefully your words, gingerly stepping around your cousin Ruth’s latest fiasco with the Arthur Murray instructor, and ask not about Marlene.
Let on not that you have heard the stories before, and utter them not aloud simultaneously nor anticipate the punch lines. Chew with vigor and bite thy tongue, for the bird hath been cooked since Tuesday, yet praise it tenderly for it never heard a compliment in life. Be sage about the dressing though you know not the origin of the little hard things; should you bite into the wedding band, return it with discretion. Though it resemble syrup, pour not the Manischewitz on the sherbet.

Avoid your Uncle Lou; he is vexatious to the spirit. Kick not your little brother under the table, but show the forbearance of the season and pound him later. Picture Naomi and the kids as alien life-forms, and learn from them. Shout not at Gram, for she heareth what she chooseth. Though you take on much wine, sing not The Barber of Seville nor show undue attention to your niece, who has become quite the young lady. If belch thou must, let it not herald the start of a contest. Mince no words over the piece of pie which passeth all understanding.

Above all, say nothing on the ride home, even though the temptation to cite what might have happened but didn’t be great. For that give silent thanks, resolving to firm up those plans for Aruba over Christmas.

Amen.

5 Reasons to Keep Your Tunic Buttoned

November 13, 2012

5 Reasons to Keep Your Tunic Buttoned

1. Because there are surges and there are urges.
2. Ask yourself would it be ok if my wife did it with her biographer?
3. In a pinch there’s always MILCOMM sex.
4. I don’t know, maybe because they call you General All In?
5. None of the ribbons are for that.

All the News That Isn’t

November 12, 2012

11-12-12

OK so who gets the binders of women?

I am so relieved to be able to plan parenthood again. In retrospect, but still.

Paulie Ryan’s back in the House, not making eye contact. What can you say about a guy who can’t deliver Janesville?

It’s all good. Joe Biden can be Joe Biden.
Paul Ryan can take another look at the figures.

Mitt Romney can strip him some assets.
The President’s ground game forces can tackle global warming.

President Obama getting all weepy, though. When he and Speaker Boehner get together the dam is going to burst. The Fiscal Dam.
Inundate the Fiscal Valley.

I’ve got post-electum. When you feel nobody’s out to get you any longer.

No robocalls, no spam, nothing but Hong Kong Cafe menus on the doorknob.

Used and abandoned. What gives? Am I not a middle-class man?
A little help here!

Still, nice to have the time to leisurely pick through elective surgeries. I’m thinking Obama cosmetic care.

President Obama’s second term all about climate change. Me, I do climate change first term, get it out of the way, second term a no-brainer like gum recession.

In other news that isn’t, if any–

You can now smoke pot in Colorado, but its a drag being arrested when you’re high.

After the President’s reelection anti-Obama movie goes straight to power point.

Much GOP soul searching; so far, nothing.

The Petraeus affair comes down to do you want a good biography, or don’t you?

‘All In’, all right, but the headline writers have to stop with the ‘imbedded’ already.

All this could have been avoided if Petraeus had been appointed to head the Secret Service.

Next guy who says “fiscal cliff” gets it. Oops.

At least call it the FC. Except KFC wouldn’t like it.

Is that a fiscal cliff or are you unhappy to see me?

Think that new super earth has a super fiscal cliff?

Does not a fiscal cliff imply fiscal lemmings? And who might they be?

Anyone come up with fiscal cliff notes?

And, is it really a fiscal cliff or just adjacent to the fiscal hole?

Everybody says ‘fiscal cliff’ a hundred times fast it will lose its magic powers.

Anyway,

A rich man getting into heaven may still be a camel through a needle, but an oil executive is now Archbishop of Canterbury.

Good news–its not Tony Hayward.

Romney Loss Re-Examined. Yup, still there.

Republicans look at salsa lessons to close Latin gap, and

Man had tools 70,000 years ago but forgets where he left them.

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

5 Reasons Mitt Romney Lost

November 8, 2012

5 Reasons Romney Lost

1. Because
2. he
3. is
4. Mitt
5. Romney.

US Rep Tammy Baldwin on Michael Feldman’s Whad’ya Know

November 7, 2012

tammy
Tammy Baldwin on Michael Feldman’s Whad’ya Know? 8-13-10 audio