Archive for October 2012

The Not So Great Debates of 2012

October 23, 2012

                                              The Not So Great Debates of 2012

 

                                                                       I

 

 

Obama rope-a-dope lets Romney hit him at will as he leans on ropes.

 

The old pro is stripping the president’s assets.

 

At this rate little doubt the President will be celebrating next anniversary with Michelle.

 

Romney makes a pretty good Mona Lisa on Etch a Sketch.

 

Obama looks like he has someplace to be.

 

Romney does to Big Bird what Oscar the Grouch has longed to.

 

Now the President knows how Seamus the setter felt.

 

Explains why Obama didn’t play much at Hawaii.

 

Night goes to Mitt Romney and Miguel Cabrera as Romney is the October Surprise.

 

 

                                                                     II

 

Binders?  Full of women?

 

Binders of men seeking binders of women.

 

Obama slips says Detroit dead bin Laden alive.

 

Candy Crowley crawls out of binder to fact check Mitt on Benghazi.

 

Romney was, too, an act of terror moment goes terribly wrong.

 

Quarantined CNN uncommitted voters decide not to vote at all.

 

Romney lump of clean coal in every stocking quip falls flat.

 

Romney 5 point plan the 3 plus the other 2.

 

Obama whittles Romney 5 point plant down to 1 which should be a time saver.

 

Obama comeback kids it with command of unchecked facts and a little help from Candy.

 

 

                                                                III

 

 

Debate past Bob Schieffer’s bedtime could be factor.

 

Boca Raton meaning “rat mouth” may be portentous.

 

Romney reminisces about missing the 1916 Navy when boats were boats.

 

Obama patiently informs Romney we have boats now that go under the water, and carriers that planes land on.

 

As Romney considers this, a mounted Obama bayonets him, making Romney’s point for him by proving the obsolete can still be useful.

 

Romney, dazed, visualizes whirled peas. Says since Obama so good with foreigners maybe could keep that part of the job.

 

Bayonet gap instantly the new missile gap.

 

Obama has even more material leftover from the Al Smith dinner he doesn’t use.

 

80’s calling fine with Romney as long as it’s not about bringing back the tax rates.

 

Performance results in clearance on all Romney Halloween masks.  

 

Obamas finally have a moment to celebrate anniversary.

 

 

                                                          #############

 

 

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All the News That Isn’t Update

October 15, 2012

10-15-12

Come on, that rock is only unusual because it’s on Mars.

Curiosity finds a cigarette butt or a tampon dispenser, then we’ve got something.

The European Union wins the Nobel Peace Prize for once not going to war to settle their differences.

Germans just march through the continent economically these days.
A lot of wars, but a lot of peaces.

Giant eyeball found on beach in Florida returned to Dina Lohan.

House sized asteroid brushes so closes to earth loses chimney.

For the Shuttle Endeavour re-entry had nothing on driving through LA. Fortunately, 2 mph is keeping pace on 405.

Joe Biden and Paul Ryan no longer talking at the Hibernian Club.

Young Ryan had to have his tail surgically removed from between his legs in time for the next marathon.

The secret was they didn’t feed Joe for a week.

Made a big deal about Joe Biden showing his teeth, but, hey, you pay for ’em you want to show ’em.

The veep debate in short: 97%, 47%, 30%, 20% and 1%.

Obama team looking for bounce from Lindsay Lohan Romney endorsement.

Paul Ryan says he jumped from edge of space and broke sound barrier.

From the deck in La Jolla Romney can see China.

New Romney bio is out: 50 Shades of Mitt

Romney solution for Middle East: baptize both the Muslims and the Jews posthumously.

GOP sees Libya as swing state.

Like Mitt never had an intelligence failure.

Scream 2012: the debate is coming from inside the house!

Race so close the candidates are conjoined.

Giant set of teeth on Florida beach Biden’s.

As price of gas hits 5 bucks in California, Napa converts to fuel. Can get 100 mpg on a quart of Christian Brothers.

With death chill falls over roach eating circuit. Geckos won’t even look at them.

Pfizer fined $164 million for not revealing what Celebrex was for.

As a minority Protestants now qualify for Affirmative Action.

Lindsay/ Dina Lohan debate outdraws vice-presidential.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. sits a few out after finding the engine noise was in his head, and

Consumers counterintuitively confident . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

October 12, 2012

–Michael believed to be himmler

Wisconsin State Journal 10-12-12

Epic Systems plans six wind turbines northwest of Madison

himmler – 3 hours ago
hey, ain’t that where the geese fly there?

All the News That Isn’t

October 8, 2012

10-8-12

Not once in the debate a single mention of Asian carp.

After 18 months of railing against the Asian carp, Romney acts like it never happened, while Obama just pocket fished through the whole thing.

The veeps are up next and you know Joe’s got some Asian carp stories. Course, Paulie Ryan actually likes to hand fish ‘em. Trying to impress his father-in-law Jed Clampett.

From hope and change to hope for a change of venue.

Town Hall debate next. Too bad it’s not a debate between two towns. Neenah vs. Menasha I’d like to see.

Was hoping to see a robocall debate. Just phone it in, slurs and all. Then likely voters can just screen it.

For once Mitt etches the right sketch. But you can’t save ‘em.

Romney now figures the 47% of entitled dependent Americans at a lower 14% rate.

But he did say that roughly half of all Americans smell bad.

Middle class goes to court to seek protection from both candidates, who must now stay 1,000 yards away.

After debate debacle Democrat’s spin down to a plate on a very long pole.

Nicki Minaj trounces Mariah Carey in first debate.

Already rolled out the first debate movie, Frankenweenie.

Turns out women were not deleted from the Ikea Saudi catalogue, they were just behind the drapes.

Jobless rate falls just to spite Mitt Romney. Ironically, it was because they used Governor Walker’s numbers.

Chrysler doing so well new De Soto is just around the corner.

In new Lifetime movie, Lindsay Lohan plays both Liz and Dick.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he knew something was up when the housekeeper’s kid bench pressed his mom while smoking a cigar.

Jets to go with 3, possibly 4 quarterbacks.

Mike Schmidt criticizes illegible baseball autographs, but at least you can say his is actually Wade Boggs.

With the butler in jail the Pope has been conducting mass with his cassock on backwards.

Now that it’s possible to get a billion likes on Facebook my 173 not looking so impressive.

Under new Secret Service guidelines you may not share a hooker.

President Obama fled to Madison after the debate because he knew it was one place Romney wouldn’t follow.

Said all the things he neglected to mention to a bunch of undergrads listening to iTunes. Now he needs to get a Romney poster and practice saying it to his face.

Not saying there’s a sense of panic around here, but everybody is scheduling their elective surgery left and right . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

Feldman v Feldman Self Debate 1

October 4, 2012

Feldman v Feldman
Self Debate 1

m. What about hope and change.
M. Had to change that. Now it’s hope for change, you know, correct change.
m. Your policies have not worked.
M. No, and they’ve all gone up besides. when is that Feldmancare supposed to kick in? I mean, are these not pre-existing conditions? I ask you.
m. the national debt has gazuppled since you last even bothered to look at the debt clock.
M. Non causa pro causa. that’s Latin, you know. think it means buyer beware.
listen we are very much in your national debt. if we divide it by all the humans that have ever lived its very manageable.
m. social security is bankrupting our children who already owe the Chinese a ton of renminbis.
M. Renminbis? Yuan kidding me? Pay in all the fake money they burn for the ancestors–they’ll never know the difference. I firmly believe children should bankrupt their parents and not the other way around. As the great philosopher Ole once said, “what da heck?”
m. folksy, huh. are you even aware of the biggest issues facing your constituents, that is if you had any?
M. Asian carp invasion. they’ve been sighted as near as South Beloit, although it may have been a regular carp or a box elder branch come over from Muskegon. anyway, it’s a real concern. I’d like to see federal funds for a major gefilte fish effort to clean it up and bottle it.
m. would you not like to see more done for the middle class?
M. Yes, but I think it’s sad you never hear about the rich and poor anymore. They have needs too. No sandwich without the two slices of bread.
m. What about energy independence?
M. Ach, don’t have the energy for it. would like to see a lump of clean coal in every stocking this Christmas.
m. And the environment?
M. Where would we be without it?

All the News That Isn’t for 10-1-12

October 1, 2012

10-1-12

The old Hoffa’s in your driveway scam.

Then some guy with a ladder and a bucket of tar says Hoffa’s on your roof.

That’s not radon in your basement, that’s Hoffa.

Come in with the Hoffa sniffing dogs.

You and I disappear, we’re gone. But not Hoffa . . .

In all the news that isn’t Hoffa–

Sinatra leads in swing states.

If we could only find Sinatra we’d find Hoffa.

Wednesday first debate between robocalls.

Romney lowers expectations and concedes debates.

Apple chief apologizes for maps from dead end in Compton.

Chef convicted for seriously overcooking wife.

Lingerie league refs leave NFL so wedgies will not be called anymore.

Nice to hate refs again for all the right reasons.

Refs were a little rusty coming back, genuflecting for a hail Mary.

Israel’s Netanyahu shows the UN Iran’s cartoon bomb. Have achieved Spy v. Spy technology.

Vatican says take Jesus’ wife, please.

Romney retools pitch, extols compression for the poor, says he has great apathy for their plight. Knows what it means to be money hungry.

Romney will open debate by guessing Obama’s weight. If he’s from Canada.

Romney will suggest impoverished nations ask their dads for money.

Paul Ryan says he does not need to be unmuzzled, or something like that. Hard to tell because of the muzzle.
Might have said he was not a muggle.

Earlier version of the Mona Lisa–the Kardashian Lisa–revealed.

The drug ecstasy said to hinder recall, so it’s a win-win.

Students line up at the University of California-Davis for financial aid pepper spraying.

Company that makes the bullet trains in Japan will make Amtrak cars that look like they’re going much faster than they are.

Bacon shortage due to replacement pigs.

Reduced to 3 chicken nuggets for lunch, high schoolers go on protein rampage in mall.

And J.K. Rawlings first adult book has Harry Potter fans ripping their little bodices . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .