Archive for August 2012

All the News That Isn’t

August 21, 2012


Todd ‘Legitimate Rape’ Akin supplants Paulie Ryan as top conservative intellectual.

Short run for Paulie who, as a B-minus student at Janesville Craig, was leading the intellectual pack.

Paulie Ryan finally driven off the front page by Miley Cyrus’s
haircut. Kind of a deconstructed Bart Simpson.

Only got a Quayle-light bounce from his selection.

He still has the Ryan budget, so called because he’s unable to budge it.

The Romney people have asked Ryan to stop referring to the plan as The Final Solution, and to Medicare as Medicide.

Good news is Paulie Ryan has been granted asylum in Ecuador.

Romney has paid as much as 13% in taxes, but only tips 10%–if the service is good.

This is the same rate my 18 year old pays on her declared baby-sitting. The bulk of her babysitting income is in the Cayman Islands. And, of course, the Swiss accounts.

Curiously, the Romney figure is the same as the luxury tax. Most likely for bric-a-brac at the La Jolla-on-Sea estate.

Or, what he might have done was add together Ann & his 6.5% Salt Lake sales taxes and, after running it past Paulie Ryan, come up with 13%.

The hope is Mr. Romney will release his returns so the rest of us can figure out how to get off with a 13% rate.

On holy land junket, Republican congressmen recreate Jesus’ drunken nude swim in Galilee–fortunately none walk on water.

Russian punk band Pussy Riot gets 2 years in the Gulag while Lady Antebellum walks around free.

Arizona begins wrist tattoo ID’s for suspected immigrants.

Consumer confidence even with consumer angst.

Current thinking is Neanderthals didn’t mate with humans but did serve as vice presidents.

Steve Jobs home burglarized and all his Samsung tablets stolen.

Question is, how did the burglar know he wasn’t at home?

Birth control for men formulated–they’re calling it beer.

Ecuador adds Wikileaker Assange to its portfolio of bananas, pot and money transfers.

Sexting is, like, so over when it appears in the Merriam-Webster.

F-bomb makes the dictionary, too, but it occurs so often should be the f-carpet bomb. Bleep bomb for Real Housewives fans.

Kristen Stewart to star in Snow Off-White.

To aid UN waste management effort, Bill Gates puts a billion dollars into Vapoorize.

Fukushima butterflies fine, it’s the world that’s abnormal.

Walnuts said to be good for you walnuts.

Stock freefall, or, the Facebook on the Barroom Floor.

GM recalls 40,000 cruisers leaving 80,000 cops stranded at Dunkin’ Donuts.

In second preseason loss Packers opt for no-huddle-no-offense offense,

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

All the News That Isn’t

August 13, 2012


With the Paulie Ryan VP pick new hope for Janesville 2020 Olympics.

The Romney people have asked Ryan to stop referring to his health plan as Medicide.

Returning to Wisconsin, Paulie Ryan says his veins are filled with cheese which, unfortunately, is no longer covered.

If he can stick his fist down a catfish gullet he should be able to do something for Mitt Romney.

Tim Pawlenty had to be talked down from atop the Paul Bunyan in Brainerd, MN.

With the elections coming down to the wire, the best indicators of the outcome are celebrity endorsements. To date:

President Obama:
Sarah Jessica Parker
George Clooney
Leonardo DiCaprio
Hillary Duff. (Hillary Duff?)
Neil Patrick Harris
Ricky Martin
Suze Orman (no pattern there)
Steven Spielberg and
Harry Osmond, the renegade Osmond.

Mitt Romney:
Porn star Jenna Jameson
Clint Eastwood
Orson Bean (still alive)
Chuck Norris
(comedian) Jeff Foxworthy
Ted Nugent
Kid Rock
Gene Simmons (makings of one really strange band)
and Brad Pitt’s mom.

You be the judge.

Polls show President Obama either pulling away from Romney or Romney backing up. Thought I heard a ding ding ding ding ding.

Drone seen over Mr. Romney’s bus.

Mr. Obama leads by a wide margin among Latinos & women–just one Latina could wrap things up. Maybe Rosie Perez.

The president has been so busy campaigning he’s really neglecting the war on religion. Not going to fight itself.

Same for the preoccupied Romney who’s only killed the one woman who needed medical care.

Biggest challenge for Romney is to finish dumbing himself down by November 6.

Mitt has really worked on his stump speech which is now down to “Give me sugar. In water.”

This whole taxes thing is so unfair–rich people don’t pay taxes and Obama knows it.

In other news that isn’t . . .

Dune buggy clearly visible in latest Mars Curiosity photo.

Olympics finishes with 3 legged races and eggs in spoons.

In closing ceremony spectacle, 100 foot wide Elton John devours 50 foot Madonna and a clip of Queen as Pussy Galore in Bond epic.

Not much left for Brazil to do in 2016.

Trading kidneys for iPhones should be less likely with new iKidney. Siri filters all your bodily fluids–just ask.

Road crew paints yellow line over Randy Travis.

Corn closes at $1,617.50 an ounce.

Getting hard to keep all the psychopaths straight. More of an editorial, there.

Drones soon available for civilian use at Drones ‘R Us.

Drone sweet drone.

Your neighbor gets one it’ll be keeping up with the droneses.

Russian punk band Pussy Riot faces 3 years in the gulag for a bad band name. When one band is imprisoned for a name, no band is free.

Have yet to hear from the Pussycat Dolls on this one.

Apple sends iTroops over the DMZ to Samsung headquarters in Seoul.

60% of farm states suffering from severe congressional drought,

and, Evidence proves that 3 human species once coexisted where now one cannot . . .

. . .That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .