Kristen’s status way complicated.
Robert Pattinson moves native soil out of Kristen’s cellar.
Fortunately, vampire couples have infinity to work it out.
After Romney visit Anglos not speaking to Saxons.
The Sun only led with Mitt the Twit because nothing rhymes with Rupert.
Romney was disconcerted by the squadron of Mary Poppins paratroopers, and uncomfortable with a blind person winning the archery gold.
A lot of seats empty at London Olympics after crowd fails drug test.
Not winning the gold, but Michael Phelps saved a bunch on car insurance.
English children said to be very afraid of closing ceremony.
Not many in the seats, but Lord Coe has been stuffed to the gunnels.
After rave reviews in her Olympic cameo, the Queen will appear as Corgi Galore in the new Bond release Goldsceptre.
Romney says Salt Lake City Israel’s capital.
Romney taps money changers in temple for a million shekels.
In return, Romney gets the west bank settlements a Utah zoning variance, and will outsource the Israeli attack on Iran.
On the tourist side in Israel, Romney leaves a pamphlet in the Wailing Wall and sees the spot in Jerusalem where the salamander pushed back the rock from Jesus’ tomb.
In his shalom and farewell, Romney quips Palestinians are Jews without connections.
Rising fear in Poland Romney will open with a joke.
Asked if is the Democratic keynote speaker Bill Clinton says depends what is is.
Sarah Palin calls Cheney selection of Bush a mistake.
Chick-fil-a says marriage is between one hen and one rooster.
At least Colonel Sanders never told us how to live.
Around here, we’re just glad it was Chick-fil-a and not Usingers Sausage.
iPhone 5 delayed due to cloning problem with Jobs stem cells.
For Republican conventioneers in Tampa there will be a thin line between Busch Gardens and strip clubs.
The Democrats are hoping to attract people looking for the boat show.
Facebook drops 15% after a disappointing timeline.
Amazon enters the marriage fray by offering super saver same sex shipping.
Apple releases Tony the Tiger OSX. Had to run out of big cat names eventually,
And Wisconsin’s Governor Walker speaks to Harvard’s edjookashun conference,
. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .
Archive for July 2012
99 degrees on the wall 99 degrees on the wall . . .
With nearly 60% of country in drought conservatives will only go so far as global pretty darn hot.
Cubs trade only pitcher, will use machine.
Mitt warned about playfully knocking off skull caps in Jerusalem.
They refused delivery of the Bobby Bowden statue at Penn State.
The Help 2: Hard to Get.
The fired Burger King worker says he was not standing in, he was nestled on a bin of lettuce.
Penn State to pour remaining resources into hacky sack.
They’re now bleeding black & blue & white.
Penn state has been limited to the Longest Yard Bowl.
Christie image appears in large burl on New Jersey ginkgo.
Portland International now a strip destination for a lot of travelers.
Assad thrown out of Arab bowling league.
Luxury cars fleeing Syria.
Ernie Els comes in 2nd to win the British Open.
Paterno statue arrives in Baghdad.
Meanwhile, Joe Arpaio’s Tijuana birth certificate turns up on Pawn Stars.
In moving the statue they discovered it was Joe Paterno.
Military now allowed to celebrate Gay Pride: the Few, the Gay Proud, the Marines.
Decoded sperm genome found to have one thing on its mind.
A majority of Americans say they’d like to have Romney’s tax return.
Morgan Freeman’s million dollar check to Obama PAC returned when found to be signed by God, and
Ann Romney finally lets a “you people” slip—-
That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .
The Rolling stones have a new release marking 50 years on stage, “I Can’t Get No Geriaction.”
Hey, you, get offa my tube?
California marijuana crackdown–suddenly cows not so happy. Still see the occasional dolphin, but it brings no joy.
Egyptian parliament meets at Comic Con. Their booth’s right next to “50 Shades of Grey.”
Mitt Romney demands apology from Reggie Van Dough.
Still running Bain–it’s like the mafia: you can’t quit.
Romney’s knee slapping version Camptown Races failed to arouse NAACP.
Where he made his mistake was the medley–Camptown to Swing Low to What’s Goin’ On.
Goes on record as the most boring speech ever booed.
Weren’t boos so much as gasping for breath.
Romney has cancelled his appearance before the Islamic Brotherhood and will not open for the Kings of Comedy.
Latin Grammies still up in the air.
Got to give Mitt some chutzpah for landing in Israel on the High Holy Day of Mourning. Who’s booking this guy?
President Obama now feels obliged to do the National Realtors Association.
Somali militants offer 4 camels for Obama. Thinking they meant cigarettes, the president very nearly accepted.
They have since raised the offer to 5 camels and a yacht complete with cruise couple.
Berets required baguettes optional for US Olympians.
Wearing Ralph Lauren–could have been worse, was very nearly Victoria’s Secret. Crotchless tracksuits we don’t need.
Congress discovers Affordable Care a pre-existing condition.
Did vote down Newton’s Laws. Now an apple hits him on the head it’s an Obama conspiracy.
Real reason for opposition to medical care–conservatives don’t like to share a room.
Dick Cheney raffles off old heart at Romney anti-healthcare rally.
Nothing has been heard from Mitt Romney since the grouse hunt with Dick Cheney.
Bankrupt towns in the song Route 66 up to San Bernardino. And Oklahoma City looks oh so pretty.
Looking more like either German or circumcised.
Remains found suggest earliest Americans ate a ton of fiber.
Immigration to the Americas came in 3 waves: orthodox, conservative and reform.
To lose weight, keep a journal and eat it.
Stand instead of sit 3 hours a day, you’ll live 2 years longer but be dead on your feet , and
Governor Walkers anti-healthcare op-ed in Washington Post lifted entirely from Koch Notes . . .
The Week in Preview for July 9, 2012
Monday: Obama blamed for weather
Tuesday: God particle lost
Wednesday: Local man continues cutting dead lawn
Thursday: Brewers come back from all star break in fantasy league
Friday: 4 inch asteroid strikes earth messes up just shingled roof
Saturday: Gone fishin’ sign hung on Supreme Court door, and
Sunday: Romney off by 50 lbs guessing weight of man in NH diner.
I don’t know, what would you call getting warmer around the globe?
I know, liberal meteorology.
The no-such-a-thing-as-global warming people are like lobsters; won’t feel the heat until it’s too late. Squirt a little lemon on ’em, they’re done.
Wisconsin was never meant to be served at 104 degrees.
Cow pies hard as rocks. Good to throw, but must be murder to pass.
104 degrees, but it’s a wet heat. Feels like Fahrenheit 451.
Mercury in the off season.
If we do nothing about global warming (out of principle) the next planet away from the sun is Mars, high of 70, low minus 225. Putting it slightly north of Fairbanks.
Wisconsin now has an Arizona climate–only difference is nobody stops you for your papers. Yet.
Can’t even head north for relief what with the buckling of Highway 29 separating Wisconsin from Up Nort’.
Everybody’s worried what if Canada melts?
In All the other News That Isn’t–
Find one more God particle–voila!–little godlet particles.
Get a whole bunch of god particles make something resembling Charleton Heston.
Eventually, there’ll be so many god particles, it’ll be, like, “Not another god ____ particle!”
Funny thing is, I had a bunch of god particles in the bottom of my sock drawer–just threw ’em out. Thought “what am I collecting these for?”
Truth is every particle thinks it’s fundamental to the universe. Just the way particles are.
Remember, the last time physicists were this excited they had just split the atom. You know how that worked out.
Next for physics–the atheist particle. Then the tea particle.
In non-particle non-news–
Romney not only looking at a woman as vice president, he’s thinking sister vp’s.
Romney says the jobs report “a real kick in the gut.” Quite a leap of faith for a guy who’s never held a job.
I don’t know, I add 80,000 jobs I feel pretty good about myself. Governor Walker would.
Unemployment rate 8.2% could go to 8.3 with Mr. Obama. But what a resume! Unfortunately, the president is now over qualified to ever work again. Pretty much how I feel.
On the do I have health care or don’t I front–
Wouldn’t talk up the pre-existing conditions just yet. They’ve waited this long, they can wait a little longer.
Romney now says the mandate is broccoli.
Groucho says “you gotta take up the tacks before you can take up the carpet.”
Stay tuned, we’ll let you know when it’s safe to get sick.
On the internets, denial of service attacks multiply. Hey, don’t talk to me about denial of service, I’ve been married 28 years.
The University of Arizona develops robot that walks with a human gait, deports it when it cannot produce papers.
US to hand defense of Afghanistan to Taliban.
Court green lights attacking priests in revenge, but don’t think you’ll get off with a few Hail Mary’s in confession.
Apple suit forces Samsung to sell new tablets from fireworks stands in the county.
Congress passes balloon rate student loans-your new rates will be on the diploma.
When the rates go up next year, time to think about loaning your student.
Conservative PAC’s begin gobbling up one another in billion dollar game of Pac-Man.
Big Florida tropical storm Debby Does Daytona.
30% of meat eaters would eat a vegetarian. Mmm grain-fed.
Rumored iMinipad–for light days.
PRI–Public Radio International–acquires Mexico. Looks like we’ll be replaced with Sabado Gigante.
Sexting among elderly on slow rise.
James Bond at 90: shaken or stirred, just give it to me! and