Archive for May 2012

how to say koch

May 31, 2012

koch koch koch
it’s more like kawch brothers

All the News That Isn’t

May 21, 2012


The SpaceX launch at Cape Canaveral means the private sector now has missiles.

Facebook gets 16 billion likes.

A hoodied Mark Zuckerberg looked like Quasimodo swinging from the Nasdaq bell.

All Mark ever wanted out of this was a girlfriend. Now it will always be, “is it me, or the 20 billion”?

U2 singer Bono–an early Facebook investor–comes out of this half a billion ahead of Paul McCartney.
That last divorce dropped him a notch.

Chicago’s Joe Ricketts’ Super Pac calls President Obama “a metrosexual black Abe Lincoln.” Hey, a guy could do worse.

A metrosexual black Abe Lincoln could free himself for a full, rewarding social life.

Actually, Lincoln was supposed to have been a metrosexual.

A metrosexual is someone who rides the bus.

Romney has distanced himself from the Rev Wright attacks on President Obama because Romney says “Wright,” Obama says “salamander.”

Ricketts has vowed to do to Obama what’s he’s done to the Cubs.

Revealed that Roger Clemens had Jose Canseco on speed dial for his booty call. There’s a butt call ever was one.

Mr. Obama is OK with R&B, but should never have tried Donna Summer’s “I Will Survive.”

That new French Socialist is already in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Big NATO summit in Chicago will try to work out differences between the Ricketts family and the rest of the world.

The man who beheaded & ate the guy ahead of him on the bus can now leave the mental hospital, but not on public transportation.

A Michigan teen finds his finger in Arby’s roast beef.

A majority of New Jersey favors same sex marriage if between The Situation and DJ Ronnie D.

Lindsay Lohan to play both Liz and Dick.

Masseur drops his sex claim against John Travolta by twitter from the beach at Cannes.

Donald Driver may be a lover but he ain’t no dancer.

Super Pacs behind flesh eating bacteria.

Sketchers must pay a fine and admit their sneakers make you stupid not fit.

Fructose is also supposed to make you stupid, so avoid the corn syrup while rockin’ your Sketchers.

Among newborns, slightly more than half are minority, which means slightly less than 1/2 are majority. Do the math.

And, here in Wisconsin, Governor Walker’s new jobs total includes snow jobs . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

All the News That Isn’t for 5-14-12

May 14, 2012

May 14, 2012

President Obama’s position has evolved–came around from thinking only one partner should be gay.

Would have been more shocking if Eisenhower had said it.
Or, if Reagan had gone to the wall and said, “Mr. Chairman, marry these guys!”

Why can’t we all just marry one another?

I believe anybody should have the right to marry, and just as firmly that nobody should.

Only priests should marry, so they’d get off their high horses.

I suppose now people will marry just to prove they’re gay.

So the President rethinks the whole thing, and then heads off to visit George Clooney.

Joe Biden, meanwhile, has achieved Liza Minnelli status in the gay community.

Romney says he’ll bash ’em but he won’t marry ’em.
This despite having 5 same sex children.

Ann Romney was reading 50 Shades of Grey and could not be bothered.

New sex book for men–No Shades of Grey.

iPad has a same sex app.

Jill Biden knows she’ll never find a gal like Joe.

50 Shades of Joe.

Biden has apologized to the President for fantasizing in front of an open mic.

Mr. Obama told friends if he had it to do all over again, might be Craig and not Michelle Robinson.

The girls are cool with that.

Bristol Palin says the only same sex partner for her is her mom, and the law’s pretty clear on that.

Republicans believe the President committed Obamakazee on this one.

OK, OK, in other news that isn’t . . .

Meow dies. That’s one fat cat down.

The White House National Holiday Tree dies from identity crisis. Call it a Christmas tree, it’s alive today.

Public reassured French socialists are not like the American mythological kind. The Unicorn socialists.

The good news–and the bad–is the French will always be the French no matter what. C’est la vie.

Rick Santorum endorses Romney in a midnight Snapchat.

Glad I didn’t follow up on that underwear modeling job in Yemen.

Man boarding plane with loaded gun forgot he was an idiot.

Mark Zuckerberg had just changed from hoodie to suit as George Zimmerman was entering the room.

In Indiana, Lugar taken out with pea shooter.
This completes the inmate takeover of the House Asylum.

Romney credits the auto industry turnaround with his taking the scissors to it.

Romney’s childhood bullying prepared him for taking the scissors to companies around the world, so it is pertinent.

Yahoo CEO listed College of Musical Knowledge on his resume. The degree on his wall was signed by Kay Kyser.

Too much Captain Morgan at J.P. Morgan.

Two billion is chump change at J.P. Morgan–unfortunately, we’re the chumps.

America’s got Talent and Then There’s Howard Stern.

Still, he butt bongos Sharon Osbourne, it’s all worth it.

Siri goes in for retooling after repeatedly responding “Ask me if I care.”
Zooey Deschanel was the last straw.

Speaking of Zooey Deschanel, is there a better fit for Loretta Lynn? The Canary in the Coal Miner’s Daughter.

More Americans having their colonoscopies tweeted.

Super Earth the size and consistency of Uranus discovered. It’s at trip though.

Self driving car pulled over by police robot.

John Travolta got the night fever, night fever.
Travolta is, in fact, working undercover for TSA.

Does explain all the dancing, though.

Thanks to her husband Marcus, Michele Bachmann can be a Swiss or a gay citizen.

The ancient 27 foot croc was big, yes, but a vegan.

Game plan is for Sanchez to sit on Tebow’s shoulders and do the passing, and let Tim do the running. Hop off for the celebratory Tebow.

Time magazine breast feeding mom says the kid does not clamp on and hang from it at home. That’s good since he’s 12. Getting long in the tooth.

Homer Simpson to guest on Game of Thrones.

Israel opposes gay marriage since 2 Jewish wives is a stalemate, while 2 Jewish husbands can’t do enough for one another, and

Here in Wisconsin, Governor Walker explains that “divide and conquer” was really just a hair loss strategy . . .

. . . That’s All the News that Isn’t . . .

All the News That Isn’t

May 7, 2012

May 7, 2012

China’s Chen offered basketball scholarship at Harvard. Chentastic!

Hillary was allowed one carryon leaving China. Chen.

Well, it is China not Chena.

Chen will be remanded back to the custody of his wife.

They’re taking the Braille address plate down from the Beijing embassy.

That’s the thing about China–a half hour later you want to leave again.

In non-Chen news–

Newt swallowed by black hole.

Callista’s Facebook status changes to “complicated.”

Romney auditioning sister VP’s.

Ann Romney’s mission as first lady will be sewing socks for soldiers.

John Edwards told an aide to do the physically impossible, although not for Edwards.

The Scream goes for $120 million–Mr. Bill, priceless.
Next up on the block the Munch balloon art.

Bin-Laden anniversary–and the guy hated surprise parties.

Papers reveal bin-Laden wanted to rebrand Al Qaeda as Americans for Prosperity. Osama bin-Koch.

The New Orleans Saints had a bounty on bin-Laden.

President Obama to replace NASA with Angry Birds Space.

Pontius Pilate quits EPA after crucifixion crack.

Amsterdam Weed & Hooker tour called off.
Please, sir, may I have a weed pass?

S & P downgrades Spain to Pain.

Only the cattle get Planned Parenthood in Texas.

Arizona cuts Planned Grandparenthood.

Obama adopts Forward slogan now that Wisconsin no longer needs it.
Rejected slogans–“Hope for No Change,” “Got Change?” and “No Hopey, No Changey.”

Chrysler has risen. Hard to believe would come back in the form of a Dodge Dart.

Google street view able to sniff undies in hamper while passing.

Oh, to have been a fly on the wall at the Michael and Whitney hookup. Bet that took a while.

Zombie formerly known as Randy Moss reports to training camp.

Cleveland terrorists planned to torch the Cuyahoga.

Vogue plans to use only Scarlett Johansson sized and bigger models, changes name to Zaftig, and

Super Cow jumps Super Moon . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .