Archive for March 2012

All the News That Isn’t 3-27-12

March 27, 2012

Now the trick will be getting the Etch-a-Sketch away from Rick Santorum.

Could’ve been worse; they could have called Romney a Slinky.
Mr. Potato Head more like it.

Oh, no, Mitt’s magic number was on the Etch-a-Sketch!

Still, some guys can make a Mona Lisa on one.

In a compromise, President Obama will build the lower half of the Keystone pipeline. How they get the oil sludge to Cedar Rapids is their business.

Mr. Obama’s Yes, We Can Lay Pipe moment.

Promoting his energy policy, President Obama has been hawking 200 mpg magic gas pills and throwing in a set of steak knives.

Kind of strange seeing “Inevitable” and “Romney” in the same headline.
Really, if inevitable is the best you can say about a guy . . .

After Santorum goes away Romney will again be his own worst enemy.

Little Paulie Ryan introduces his Hunger Games budget.
Aka the Ryan Bludget.
Now, grandma falls she’s not getting up.

Tim Tebow backtracks, scrambles left, spins and cuts right to the Jets training camp.

Being New Jersey, Tebow will now have to adapt to local gestures.

Soon be Broadway Tim Tebow.

Investigation reveals the New Orleans Saints had bounties on Brett Favre and Osama bin Laden. So there was an upside to it.

But Aaron Rodgers? The New Orleans Lucifers.

NASA cutbacks force it to turn to the West High Rocketry Club for launches. Astronauts are asked to meet in the cafetorium 3rd hour.

President Obama, the anti-JFK on this space thing, has vowed to get all our junk off the moon by the end of the decade.

The president has ordered a halt on the search for intelligent life in the universe and instead will try to find some here.

iPad 3 consumes enough bandwidth for a family of 6 in Weehawken. Also heats up to 116 degrees, making it the iHotwaterbottle.

Coming this fall on Bravo: The Real Hunger Games of Orange County.

Can’t find pink slime for love nor money. Been devastating for school lunch sloppy-joe’s.

Goldman-Sachs to broker the Republican convention.

Donald Driver makes an impressive Dancing With the Stars performance until he Lambeau Leaps his partner.

Avatar director James Cameron submerges to the deepest part of the ocean in preparation for Bikini Bottom 3D.

Their secret service names are out–Romney is AMC Pacer and Santorum is Cannoli.

Ron Paul has refused secret service protection because he knows darn well they’re really Men in Black. The talking puggle tipped him off.

Callista Gingrich takes de Niro’s “are we ready for a white first lady, yet?” personally. Shouldn’t.

After all he’s Rupert Pupkin, King of Comedy.

Barricades in Beloit are so far holding against the Republican invasive species. It’s Wisconsin, so I’m waiting for the primary recall election.

And the booming in Clintonville, WI, thought to be an underground Walker test site, turns out to be a 1.5 earthquake with epicenter at the Coop on county T . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

All the News That Isn’t for 3-12-12

March 12, 2012

March 12, 2012

Huge solar flares blot out Rush Limbaugh calling somebody else a slut.

The Obama re-election film is out–Call of Duty Black Ops II.

Sarah Palin’s only reaction to Game Change is that it should have been Julia Roberts.

Peyton Manning will be put out to stud.

More hacker on hacker hacking. No honor among hackers.

Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim eats Buffet’s lunch. 68.5 billion–and that ain’t pesos.

Would be 890 billion in pesos, making Slim close to being the world’s first trillionaire. In pesos.

Dionne Warwick’s last words to Whitney: I’ll have some of that.

America faces the tough question: 2-iPad 3’s? Or 3-2’s? 6-1’s would be too many, unless you can run them in series. Kind of iPad Jumbotron.

Trying to get blue collar acceptance, Romney shows a little plumber’s butt.

Been stressing in the south that Romney very nearly rhymes with hominy.

Santorum stresses the cost savings of running church and state from the same offices.

In Mississippi, Gingrich declares for presidency of the Confederacy.

Huge Apple “the new iPad” event overshadows China’s Proviews rollout of the Original Happy Family IPAD. Actually more of a garage door opener.

Microsoft, meanwhile, responds to iPad’s retina display with the Windows 8 bifocal display.

American flight attendant freaks out, tries to demonstrate how to eject toddler through emergency row window after first verbally agreeing to exit row duties.

Coke forced to leave out the cocaine residue to avoid a cancer label. One of those scary labels with Santa with a hole in his neck.

Greece offers to nude wrestle for the debt.

Some of the more headstrong Republicans on the Hill take up shovels to dig the damn Keystone pipeline themselves. Since none of them ever used a shovel before it was largely symbolic.

The million dollar Michigan lotto winner has to give up her $200 in food stamps. The State giveth and the State taketh away, and

Now that it’s Governor John Doe of Wisconsin, there’s some question whether the whole recall has to start over . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t

Michael & Siri

March 9, 2012

me & siri

Sexual Congress

March 5, 2012

Sexual Congress

Contraception fails in the Senate. Guess they needed a small.
Glad we finally could talk about it, though. Ironically, there is a condom machine in the Senate restroom. Got their own brand–Condomes.
The House, for its part, leans toward premature ejaculation. As is their wont. Really, with what Congress is doing to us, I wish they would wear something. I mean it shouldn’t be all the country’s responsibility.
I don’t know, I’ve got to admit I’ve always felt a little uneasy about the Pope making contraceptive policy, since, one, he’s single, and, two, I believe in separation of church and rubber. Now, state and rubber, that’s where the rubber meets the road. You’d think religious institutions would be more concerned there’s coverage enough to go around than anybody. I understand how, over at Immaculate Conception, they might have some qualms about which benefits are covered, but, Sister, a job’s a job; the guys in the office are not necessarily married to Jesus. If the Pope wants to believe the only permissible contraceptive is the priesthood, fine, but you’ve got to wonder about the reliability of the form. Probably less than rhythm. While I can’t say from personal observation, I’ve always pictured a little Trojan vendor adjacent to the comb dispenser in the seminary men’s. At this point, after all, it’s still a calling that hasn’t been answered.
Conservatives do surprise though: they don’t believe it’s the state’s duty to govern, yet it is the state’s duty–nay obligation–to check if you’re wearing one and where you got it. Granted, a lot of you are older, so it’s no longer much of an issue pour toi. Been a long time, I daresay, since Mitch McConnell walked around with the telltale circular relief of the badge of courage on his (rarely opened) wallet. Could an unwritten conservative tenet be, that state is best which screws least? Maybe, or maybe it’s just sour grapes. It’s undeniable that the whole thing got blown out of the water once the Congressional Chaplain, Mr. Limbaugh, added his two cents worth, trampling on a fundamental political rule that every “slut” is somebody’s constituent.
To those who say that Congressmen might better spend their time doing something about job creation, keeping roofs over people’s heads or keeping them one step ahead of catastrophic illness and/or natural disaster, I remind you that it is beyond question or party orientation that all of those stresses can have a serious impact on the quality of the sex we are debating here.

All the News That Isn’t for March 5, 2012

March 5, 2012

Contraception fails in Senate. Guess they needed a small.

Glad we finally could talk about it though.

Ironically, there is a condom machine in the Senate restroom.

The House is leaning toward premature ejaculation. As is their wont.

With what Congress is doing to us, I wish they would wear something.

In other news—

Down to the final battle for the nomination, Mitt vs. Romney.

The Comeback Clod.

Kind of guy you can’t help but not like.

If they can just prevent Mitt from saying anything to anyone–off handed, joking, shooting varmints–I think he’ll take it.

Did win 29 delegates in Arizona who aren’t about to go to Tampa in August for the convention.

Santorum fades–good news is that kids can go to college again.
And they can use contraception. Maybe that should be number one.

Newt, meanwhile, was last seen wandering the streets of Flagstaff muttering about moon colonies. Free gas.

Rocky III for Gingrich.

Callista’s ready to dump the chump. Looking at Paulie Ryan. Nab one on the way up this time.

Israel may be celebrating Purim in Persia this year. Traditional.

The US has Israel’s back, just not its effrontery.

God tells Rupert to sacrifice son James, unlike Abraham, he does it.
Armageddon pushed back to 2040 due to flagging end of days indicators.

Economy is growing–hey, when they give you .3% on savings, 3% is real growth.

The economy is up, employment is up, market’s up–the more the President does nothing, the better it works.

World’s only surviving Republican moderate Senator Olympia Snowe will retire after her genome is sequenced.

Kim Young Un of North Korea will stop the nuclear program for an iPad 3.

Snooki is either pregnant or her baby fat matured all at once.

Lindsay Lohan says the only bad thing about the morgue job was all the dead guys hitting on her.

Rush calls the Lorax a slut.

The Packers sell 268,000 shares of worthless stock at $250 each–the Green Bay Ponzis! and

New poll in Wisconsin shows anything mammalian with a pulse can beat Governor Walker in a recall election . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t

Rib Eye of the Sky

March 4, 2012

While the list of things I never would have thought of streaming from the Brave New Wisconsin is not short, the chance to bag an elegant Sandhill crane (Grus canadensis tabida-to those so inclined) has to fall in the never in a million category. Mourning doves, OK–just pigeons in drag, with not much of a constituency–shoot them if you feel you must. Gray wolves, on the other hand, kind of like ’em after Never Cry Wolf, where the pack is shown to be one tightly-knit, hard working extended family, admirable in this day and age. If they’re a threat, they’re not much of one, with only about 800 wolves in the state, about the population of Beetown, not generally considered big. Personally, I think a farmer should be able to shoot a wolf stalking calf or daughter–no permit needed–and that’s about it.

But ever since I saw the fellow at the International Crane Foundation in Baraboo dance with a love starved female, Sandhills (the greater, not so much the lesser) have held a special place in my heart. Did you know they found a fossil in Nebraska of a Sandhill crane that’s ten million years old? Not only does that make them the oldest surviving bird species on earth, but it tells me they can’t be much good to eat since they would have long been eaten into extinction. And yet, Representative Joel Kleefisch, who introduced the notion of a crane season, is fond of calling the Sandhill “the rib-eye of the sky,” sounding just a bit like Wimpy trying to clamp a bun around a duck he sees as hamburger. Crane wisdom may be part of traditional Oconomowoc lore, but this seems to suggest Mr. Kleefisch has partaken of Sandhill, an illegal offense punishable by an extended stay in the Wisconsin legislature. We await the report of an honest poacher who can say I have tasted rib-eye, and I have tasted crane, and you can sure tell them apart. It is a lot harder to see the romance in a spring migration of rib-eyes.

Even were they Shmoos tasting like anything you want depending on how you cook them, the Sandhill cranes, their Siberian cousins, the Whooping (who seem to get most of the whooplah), the Wattled, Black Crowned, the Blue and the Demoiselle are majestic and revered creatures we might worship under different circumstances, or at least hold in more regard than steak on the wing.

I don’t know what it takes to impress you, but I’m a sucker for anything red striped and regal with a 7 foot wingspan who rolls his r’s like a Frenchman to impress the females, and can soar on thermals effortlessly all the way to China on a lark, or, more properly, on a crane.

Meanwhile, you can get Delmonico quality rib-eye in bulk at $4.99/lb if you know where to look, and I don’t mean the Wisconsin skies.