Archive for January 2012

All the News That Isn’t January 30, 2012

January 30, 2012

1-30-12

President Obama is lucky he didn’t get a 21 gun salute from Arizona’s Jan Brewer.

I told her, Jan, if it’s a hassle, don’t pick me up at the airport. I can catch a cab.

At the President’s State of the Union, “yellow cake from Africa” joke falls flat.

Got a big unintentional laugh when he said Obama bin Laden.

The President called for banks to bring back socket wrenches and stadium blankets. Maybe pay enough interest to cover overdrafts.

Said the Navy will go green with baking soda and vinegar powered ships.

Suggested teachers make Chinese tires. May have heard that wrong.
You know, Chinese tires last a long time at those speeds.

Thanked GM for the new Barack Riviera.

Said he would circumvent congress with a calling center in Mumbai.

Will reduce the Pentagon to the Triangle.

The Navy Seals who freed the Somali hostages could not decompress in time for their gallery moment at the speech.

Response at the State of the Union was mixed. Mitch McConnell did not rise once, continuing to hang by his feet from the gallery, wings folded.

Didn’t help the President’s speech that the guide still said “Biggest Loser.”

Its shares rising above Exxon, we may now speak of the Apple Valdez.

Romney says his father, Jorge, was born in Mexico, self-deported to the US.
Technically they weren’t Mexicans they were Mormicans.

Republicans had the most fun in FL since they beat on the windows at the voting registrar.

Republican debate audiences can applaud but they can’t keep time.

Newt got a lot of the older vote in Florida who thought he was B.F. Goodrich.

Newt’s bold new vision: a Hershey Park on the moon financed by Freddie Mac.

Newt asked Callista if he could see Fannie Mae. And maybe Heidi Klum.

Gingrich pooh-poohs self-deportation promotes self-congratulation.

A discouraged Rick Santorum self-deports back to Italy.

Not so much the Republican Party as the Donner Party.

Asteroid buzzes the earth looking for Newt Gingrich.

Rand Paul stopped by TSA with family size tube of Crest taped to leg.

Starbucks now offers beer, wine and pot on the loading dock.

Twitter says there’s no such thing as free tweets.

Joe Biden can do a pretty good Indian call-center guy.

Arab League finished with Syria goes now to Demi Moore.

Wiki-Leaks dude Assange gets own show “I’ve Got Your Secrets.”

Italian cruise ship captain reassigned to Carnival Somalia.

Seal frees Heidi Klum.

Eurozone sold to Autozone.

On a pain scale from 1 to 10 men suffer their own 5 plus their wife’s 8.

Prince Fielder gets paid by the pound.

Eli Manning carries this little brother thing about as far as it can go.

Meryl Streep to play Glen Close.

Huge solar flare causes release of Romney returns and Gingrich indictments.

and, in Wisconsin, recall turns into windfall for Governor Walker, who gets $13 million just for being himself . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t

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Super Bowl in Korla, China

January 28, 2012

Super Bowl, Korla, China

Packer fans looking to be as far away as possible from Indianapolis on Super Bowl Sunday need look no farther than Korla, China, on the old Silk Road at the foot of the Tianshin mountains, exactly where a first down marker thrust through the globe at Lucas Oil Stadium exits. Subtropical Korla, average temperature 40.9 degrees in February, has many interesting sights to savor, among them the Bayhanbulak grassland with its famous yarn bearing sheep, the wonderfully eroded landscape of the Yadan Spectacle in Lop Nor, something, as the name suggests, to see, while Swan Lake is breathtaking even if the swans won’t be back until April (might be worth staying for their spectacular return depending on how the off season goes). Miss the Kizil Thousand Buddha Caves a stone’s throw away in Baicheng County, and, believe me, you’ll be kicking yourself all the way back to Wisconsin, should you eventually feel able to return. Korla has the added value of being absolutely off the internet highway, eliminating any possibility of scores, recaps or highlights being streamed anywhere close to you. You’ll want to make time for if not with the Loulan Beauty who could take your mind off pretty much anything; one can only guess how good she must have looked three thousand years ago, making a side trip into the Forbidden Zone to pay your respects less Forbidding.
Nestled in this the treasure land of the Taklan Maka desert, biggest in China, Korla is synonymous with the local sweet pear, although the little apricot in white will vie for your attention, and is widely regarded as the gateway to the Taklamakan oil fields. If it’s nationalities you’re after in your travels, you can’t beat Mongolian, Uygur, Han, Hazake, Hui, Kerkezi, Xibo, Tajike, Wuzibieki, Tatar, Dawoer, Manchu and Russian for variety, each with its own delightful ethnic cuisine and cultural practices. Getting there is easier than you might think–the outbound flight from O’Hare ($1767 roundtrip–cheaper than Fiji) leaving on February 4 arrives at 5:30 AM in Beijing on February 6, so you will have missed the entire unpleasantness in Indiana while cocooned on Air China. After a short air hop to Urumqi, you’ll feel like you’ve started life all over again on the pleasantly air conditioned (by the air) bus ride to Korla en route to the spanking new Korla Jianguo International Hotel on East Jiao Tong Road for, are you ready, 78 USD for a deluxe single, or, what the hey, 99 USD executive suite. Sweet is right–you’d swear you were at the Days Inn Lambeau. While hard to pin down, Korla’s nightlife along the banks of the Peacock River is described as colorful, which, frankly, is not often said of that of Indianapolis.

All the News That Isn’t for January 23

January 23, 2012

1-23-12

Let’s Stay Together theme for President Obama’s State of the Union.

South Carolina shows the nation what it’s made of by writing in Marianne Gingrich in the primary.

Now it’s on to Florida for Marianne where there are a huge number of ex-wives–and they vote.

Newt finessed any talk of his personal life by offering to have his tubes tied.

Newt did ask Callista about Heidi Klum.

Mitt once asked Ann for an open box of Ritz crackers.

Romney pays 15% for taxes, and tips 12% if the service is good. A smiley face on the check will not do it for Mitt Romney. Mitt has a 2 for 1 coupon, he tips on the one.

If folks like Newt Gingrich better than you something is terribly wrong.

President Obama announces the new Keystone Pipeline ride at Disneyworld.

Wouldn’t a Trans-Canada pipeline go across Canada, eh? This is more a Trans-Omaha pipeline.

Just have to truck the muck. They could use the tar sands to pave a road from Alberta to Baton Rouge.

The thought of being Canada’s sewer is appealing.

Perry leaves the race, Gingrich ranks swell by two.

Gingrich calls for open presidency–be able to see other countries.

Italian cruise ship captain blames la media d’elite.

What about Captain Clouseau–tripping and falling into the lifeboat.

He could sail all right but he couldn’t parallel dock.

Still no word from Kathie Lee.

I just thank God the Packers folded too late to take the Italian cruise.

Santorum declared winner in Iowa after 34 Iowans flushed out of corn.

A Chapter 11 Kodak moment.

Apple seizes grade schools, promises to raise kids like their own.

GM on top again, and GM says fins.

American Idol returns with Steven Tyler–dude look like an old lady.

Poor Paula Deen just sitting and staring at that Ultimate Fantasy Deep-Fried Cheesecake.

Does explain all that spun sugar hair.

Paula will be cooking for the Diabetes Association Annual Dinner.

Paula Deen will be the new voice on the talking glucose meter.

Russia offers to let next Mars probe fall on Iran.

In Wisconsin, enough signatures have been gathered to recall Scott, Tonette and the boys,

And the Green Bay Packers are spending their unexpected free time shoveling snow back into Lambeau Field . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

Preview Barack Green State of Union

January 23, 2012

Barack Green!

5 Ways to Forget Packers-Giants Game

January 17, 2012

5 Easy Ways to Forget the Packers-Giants Game

1. Read a book published before 1919, the year Curly Lambeau first approached Acme Packing with an idea. The Magnificent Ambersons is a good choice, and The Land That Time Forgot even better. The Time Machine, conveniently written in 1895, has the added advantage of hurling you 800,000 years into the future, by which time the Manning line should be long extinguished.

2. It’s easy as pie to cut & paste the 12-6-11 Green Bay win over NY into the TiVo record as 1-15-12, after deleting all footage of Jake Ballard’s knee wherever it may have or may not have been, as well as all insights or inseams Joe Buck had on it. I forget–where did he play his ball? On the floor of daddy’s broadcast booth?

3. Rebirthing psychology offers some surefire techniques to call up your original birth trauma, which had to have been a lot, or at least a little, worse than Sunday. Might want to check with mom first–could have been an easy birth. Transcendental Meditation is supposed to work–I don’t know. I never get past thinking about it. Still have a copy of Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out? Why not try leafing through it for flashbacks, or, failing that, have yourself cryogenically frozen like Tim Leary until there’s a cure for the Packers secondary. Yoga postures are effective at releasing stress–I recommend head down dog at the snap of the ball. going either way.

4. A manic approach to handicrafts–birdhouses, quilts, lord’s prayer on rice grains, ceramics, ships in bottles, civil war miniatures, origami, working muskets, doll repair, rosemaling a nice herring plate–is never a bad idea if you need to be in a “whatever happened to the time?” place, but go at with abandon or you’ll keep seeing Charlie Peprah’s spinning head scanning for the ball (as Pam Oliver prophetically said: “One ball, so many guys!”)

5. Get a t shirt shooter and a pal and have him fire regulation footballs at you while you try to Jermichael Finley them with gloves on. If you don’t have latex football gloves, oven mitts will do nicely for home use. Don’t overdo it –just 3 or 4 times should convince you deep down that they weren’t drops so much as fending off Rodgers’ bullets in self-defense. So begins forgiveness.

Hope this helps.

All the News That Isn’t for Jan 9

January 9, 2012

January 9, 2012

Pope names 22 cardinals, 3 dozen finches.

Santorum wins in Iowa after a dozen Iowans found hiding in the corn near Altoona.

Just another fight for the teat as far as Iowans are concerned.

No one flew over the cuckoos nest in Iowa.

8 votes now known as a Romney mandate.

Michele Bachmann acknowledges reality for the first time. Next: Marcus.

Bachmann won the pastors but lost the congregations.

What people don’t know is Romney bet $10,000 to win by 8 in Iowa.

Makes you long for that voice of reason George W Bush. The Deciderer.

Ce Lo Green angers John Lennon fans by changing his lyrics on New Year’s to “I Wanna Hold Your Ham.”

High point of the evening was when Callista Gingrich threw herself over the Tiffany ball when it began to drop.

Apple will release the Doomsday Cloud at its January event.

Shortage of Adderall threatens GPA’s across the country.

Jobs, manufacturing and the weather all up: 2012 could be a Boomrack Obama year. Not bad for a crony capitalist.

In a recess appointment, President Obama replaces John Boehner with Alec Baldwin.

John McCain albatrosses Romney.

Gingrich Super PAC Cossacks burn out Romney camp in Manchester, NH.

Few sleeveless sweaters seen on the slopes in New Hampshire.

Romney goes so far to the right in South Carolina ends up in Charleston harbor.

Standard & Poor downgrades Hungary to goulash rating. G+.

Barnes & Noble sticks Nook in cranny.

JC Penny introduces Rick Santorum line.

Can’t deport every kid who mouths off to Columbia. Still, she shouldn’t have said she was Pablita Escobar.

European Facebook worm proves 50 million Frenchmen can be hacked.

Jon Huntsman denies he is the Manchurian Candidate, says “Raymond Shaw is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I have ever known in my life.”

Romney in New Hampshire: Old Mitt in the Mountain.

Santorum confuses same sex with some sex marriage.

The difference between Ron Paul and Rick Santorum is Paul is smart stupid.

Bad to worse for Demi Moore who now qualifies to play Gloria Steinem.
Ashton was supposed to play Hef.

President Ahneedsashaveabad claims the Strait of Hormuz as Iran’s Hillbilly Riviera.

Chinese spacecraft fails to attain orbit at 25 mph.

Credit libel added to blood libel when Saudi hackers release Israeli credit card numbers.

German burns LA in Dresden reprisal.

Wisconsin Governor Walker gives Oregon’s governor 30,000 jobs to satisfy Rose Bowl bet.

So many concealed carry applications in Wisconsin it’s obvious some guys are more than a little happy to see ya.

President Obama downsizes military to Call of Duty: Black Ops.

And, Van Halen survivors reunite and will tour as soon as the lift is installed on the bus . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t

The Twelves

January 4, 2012

XII’s
The Twelves
For Purposes of Comparison

1912: Titanic
1812: War of
1712: Steam engine
1612: Galileo discovers Neptune
1512: Martin Luther gets doctorate
1412: Medici & Sons get Papal banking franchise
1312: Italian Lancelotto Malocello discovers Canary Islands likes them so much he stays
1212: Led by 12 year old the Children’s Crusade heads from France to Holy Land
1112: Ramon Berenguer, Count of Barcelona, receives Provence as part of his bride Douce’s dowry
1012: Gregory VI becomes Anti Pope to Benedict VIII’s Pope
912: Town and gown rivalry in Oxford first noted in Anglo-Saxon Chronicles
812: Chinese issue paper money
712: Beowulf composed if not observed
612: Heyday of the Lombards, having conquered everything from Austria to Sicily
512: Mt. Vesuvius erupts yet again but nothing like 79 AD
412: Visigoths settle in south of Gaul much to the gall of Emperor Jovinus
312: All Constantine “in hoc signo vinces” all the time
212: Caracalla builds his Roman baths, languishes
112: Hadrian steps up to the plate in Athens
12: Ovid completes book 6 on Roman Festivals and is done with it